A Prognosis of the Sacramento Kings in 93 Answers

by Ziller on Oct 29, 2006 12:09 PM PST in Commentary

After a final, last-minute panic attack that my 4,000-word preview actually offers zero insight, here are my estimates of the answers for the 93 questions posed in my useless, factless preview.

Enjoy.

Yes. Mike Bibby is quick healer. He told me so.
n/a
Yes, I think this year is his turn. Steve Nash and Kobe Bryant are the starting guards. Ray Allen and Mike Bibby off the bench. Sorry, Chris Paul: your team won't be good enough.
Before. The game is on Sunday. That leaves Friday and Saturday to get arrested. Plenty of time.
The Palms, of course.
I think he'll get a reduced sentence from the court system, but might get a one-game suspension from the league office.
Scott Brooks will take the reigns in this game, win, and probably interview for a head coach job next summer. He's the Kings assistant most ready for a top job since Byron Scott.
No.
No. Ben Wallace + an already terrific defensive team means easy pick.
He will do mean things to the inflatable Ben Wallace. It will be great.
Yes. The shooting might dampen from last season, but 16 points is about right. Maybe 17.
No. A tickler would like rather silly. Perhaps some mildly outlandish facial hair will occur.
Yes. Hopefully he's not so great that he commands extraordinary dollars next summer, when he's up for an extension.
Bite his thumb. Slightly manlier.
No. The preseason favorites almost never win this award, and Martin and Darko Milicic seem to be the preseason favorites.
Absolutely.
No.
n/a
I hope so.
No.
No.
n/a
I think Miller will have a new headband by Thanksgiving.
Yes. If there's a God, yes.
Typical Supercuts haircut.
No.
Yes.
No. Pieces maybe, but not the whole thing.
No, because the Kings will probably not win the championship.
n/a
No.
n/a, unfortunately.
No.
No, unfortunately.
Yes.
Francisco Garcia. THE BRONX!
Yes.
Absolutely.
Yes.
Shock. Vitaly is a new man. The permanent ring of lard around his heart has melted and been sweat out thanks to numerous rounds of Eric Musselman suicides.
Yes. Buy stock in Ukrainian flags.
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
Infinitely more entertaining.
Yes, the Capitol City will rejoice. We are an excitable bunch. We rejoice over the little things.
Less spectacular accomplishment.
Absolutely.
All of the above, God-willing. Definitely Ginobili, though.
Yes.
Do you consider Kenny Thomas talented?
Yes.
Perhaps a decent draft pick.
Yes.
No.
n/a
No.
n/a
Practice.
Neither. Eric Musselman will laugh while slaughtering Ronnie Price with an axe.
No.
n/a
Undetermined point in the future.
n/a
n/a
No, unless Steve Wynn names his next Vegas casino "Yukon Territory." Which would be awesome.
n/a
(Botched. You dumbass.)
Absolutely. Vengeance is arrived.
No, unfortunately.
(Yes, and yes.)
(Yes, something else caused you to navigate away from this sad heap of html.)
Yes, possibly this week.
Early enough to make a difference.
He will rebound and play well. Wild boar will have to wait.
Yes, and yes.
Yes. He is the offensive weapon.
No, unfortunately.
36.
No. Possibly 7.
No, not this season.
n/a
Worthwile asset this season, possibly overpaid in future seasons.
Poor.
Salmons.
No.
Absolutely.
Six. (Three from Houston, two from San Antonio, one from Dallas.)
Yes.
One of the Los Angeles teams.
No.
No. Somewhere between 10 and 15.
Yes. Seven or eight.
Yes.

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Re: A Prognosis of the Sacramento Kings

Bring it On, TZ.

Quickly, yes. Totally, no.
No.
No. Fans suck.
No.
Assuming, yes, then The Palms.
No to both.
Not applicable.
No.
No.
He will say mean things. His hoodies will do bad things to their families.
K-Mart will "Break on close" to the other side. He'll near but not match those stats.
No.
Yes - but will remain anonymous. He plays in Sacramento.
He will write crap about them on his anonymous MySpace page.
No.
No. A bald guy will win, and we'll all say the voting was rigged.
No - but he will get a clone of Mike Tyson's tattoo.
Yes - it will hurt us to see it.
No. He will refer to himself as the male version of Queen Latifah.
No - but he will eat a lot of fried chicken.
No.
Not applicable.
Yes - it will have reindeer on it.
Yes, but not voluntarily. He will be threatened with suspension.
Typical cuts. After all, Terry Bradshaw is their spokesman. That's bad.
No. His hair will not be accepted due to its containing unknown specimens.
Yes.
No.
No.
Not applicable.
No - the Sacramento cops will cover for him and take bribes.
Since it won't happen, we'll be more impressed with him after he scores 30, and "Kings Light Up Douby To Smoke Clippers" or something like that.
No.
Yes, but he will be on injured reserve (shin splints) and will miss it.
Yes
Garcia, but he cheated.
No.
No. Puerto Rico beating the US in the prelims a few years back did that already.
Yes - to raise his trade value.
He will die by intentionally falling on the cheerleaders, and will not ever get up.
No. But there will be five minutes of "cowbell" silence.
Yes.
Without any question.
Artest's absurdity will be 3x that of Napear.
The Capital City will rejoice and grasp hands.
It will be in excitement over Arnold showing up at halftime of a game this season, and leaving the game in traction after a spectacular fall.
Yes.
Manu Ginobili.
Yes.
Salary caps + insignificant talent + Potapenko
No. The Kings will want to, but somebody will get injured, and KT will drive us crazy.
Not applicable.
No.
Yes. He will also be drafted by approximately 3 fantasy hoops squads.
No. They will read about it in the Bee and ask each other who he was.
No.
Not applicable.
He will show up wearing a grill, carrying a grill and talking to a girl.
Musselman will consult with his sponsor, who will then slaughter him with an axe on his behalf.
No.
Not applicable.
The Maloofs will begin open talks with all major cities, including Bakersfield and Calgary. It will be in vain, as Sacramento will make a new proposal that passes all they wanted, and gives the Maloofs the honorary position of vice mayors.
No. It will become a car dealer emporium and future Walmart.
Not applicable.
No.
If they were to play, it would say "Yukon Refs Pull You Con Job On You Kings". Nobody will understand.
I refuse to answer that question on legal grounds.
The Royal Court Dancers will dance better, but lose in the voting. Arco will then be burned to the ground.
Artest will request the uniform change, and David Stern will deny it to him. Artest will then have Stern's vacation home in Aspen burned to the ground.
The punctuation was great, but the length is fatiguing even the most ardent of fans.
You might have noticed the drop-off in your receiving spam mails during the time I've been responding to this. I promise to continue sending you offers from Canadian health agencies regarding "your problem" shortly.
Yes. "Reefer" and Douby will make interesting headlines together.
It will happen early, and KT will put on the mother of all sulkfests.
Brad Miller will continue his late career decline and show us flashes of brilliance, with occasional flashes of too much thigh.
Brad Miller's rebound rate will be between 8 and 9, while Shareef and Artest pick up the slack.
Bibby's wrist injury will slow his initial early season scoring. He will finish at 19.4 on the year.
The pundits won't notice. They will like his energy and PPG, and not look beyond that.
Bibby will average above 40 minutes per game.
Bibby will average 7.7 assists a game.
John Salmons will be a non-factor, and Geoff Petrie will live with the mistake.
Hell will chill to room temperature.
Salmons will be overpaid. They are all overpaid. Oh - and we will help occasionally from the bench, but not regularly.
The Kings bench will be above average (see - not an option!)
The key cog off the bench will be Douby.
Taylor will earn $20 of his salary, when he opts to wipe up sweat spots from the floor the first week of December.
The Kings will kick some serious Clipper but this year.
The Kings will win 5 of the 11 games against the Texas teams.
The Warriors will finish 3 games ahead of the Kings. (I hate writing that)
The Kings will finish ahead of the Lakers, and behind the Clippers.
The Kings will not win the Pacific Division.
The Kings will not have one of the top 10 offenses in the NBA.
The Kings will not have one of the top 10 defenses in the NBA.
The Kings will make the playoffs.