Position: Team Mentor
Company: Maloof Sports & Entertainment
Location: North Natomas, Calif.
- Four-year degree in crisis management or child psychology.
- 5 to 10 years experience working with grown men who intermittently act like puppies and toddlers.
- Track record of survival in hostile situations, i.e. war-torn regions, Wall Street in 2001, or Detroit.
- Willingness to travel to exotic locations including Oklahoma City, San Antonio, and Oakland.
- Life insurance, or no immediate family which depends on your earnings.
- A sadomasochist streak.
- Act as a 'big brother' to spoiled 20something millionaires.
- Institute and enforce a team curfew of 4 am.
- Remind players to feed their dog.
- Change $100 bills into singles in order to make it rain.
- Call for cabs for any drunk personnel.
- Block uppercuts or body blows intended for head coach.
- Punch asshat columnists in the face.
- Occasionally suit up so that Vitaly Potapenko doesn't have to enter the game.
- Counsel players on why they shouldn't punch their wives or girlfriends.
- Maintain a list of bars certain players' posses are banned from in order to avoid police presence.
- Do a funny dance with Slamson the creepy lion mascot for Jumbotron display during home games.
- Collect first-born children from fans at the parking lot entrance.
- Sell season-ticket packages for the Monarchs.
- Competitive salary commensurate to experience.
- Full benefits package, including 10 sick days and two weeks vacation annually. (Note: Due to company policy, sick days may not be used in the event your back hurts from driving your wife's luxury coupe.)
- Courtside seat to every Kings game (between the security guard and the Gatorade boy).
- No-expense medical care, courtesy of Pete Youngman.
- Free use of team practice facility. (It's usually empty.)
- Endorsement deal with a local hair removal salon.
One Sports Parkway
Sacramento, CA 95834