Mikki Moore: The Man With the Golden Gun

[Previews like what.]

Ev'ry bit player in the NBA could take a lesson or forty from Mikki Moore. "How to Endear Yourself to a City Based Completely on a Steady Diet of Exaggerated Dunks and Guttural Yelps 101" ... that'd be a popular class. "Intermediate Inspiring Viral Spread of a Celebratory Hand Signal Which at First Glimpse Appears to Be a Gang Sign." "Advanced Forced Forgetting of Numerous Terrible Turnovers and Mediocre Rebounding."

Honestly, Mikki Moore 007 is the antithesis of youth movement, of Sacramento's desired style of play, of anything we should be concerning ourselves with. By all accounts, he will start and play big minutes ... despite the presence of three forward-centers 25 years of age or younger. He will start and play big minutes ... despite the fact one of the team's key weaknesses is in rebounding, and the fact that Moore is the worst rebounding big man on the roster. He will start and play big minutes ... despite the fact this team is attempting to play a ball-movement style which requires players who can handle the ball effectively and without batting it out-of-bounds consistently.

But he's so damn cool. Don Draper subscribes to Mikki's fashion newsletter. Donté Greene begs for lessons every morning at 7 AM. When Mikki Moore goes on a picnic, he doesn't need a cooler. He just puts the perishables in his pocket. HE JUST PUTS THE PERISHABLES IN HIS POCKET! Last year, Mikki Moore went back in time, inspiring Shaft, and returned to the present. And you didn't even know he was gone.

We should all beg for Mikki Moore's exile, given the circumstances. But it's impossible to push him away. There's too much good stuff. He has created a persona that any fan would love to root for. Who cares who he's blocking on the depth chart ... did you see how long he hung on the rim?!

I, Tom Ziller, do solemnly swear that at no time this season will I forget that Mikki Moore Esq. is one cool futhermucker. As such, I will never ask for him to be benched or otherwise removed from our lives. I will support Mikki Moore in all of his endeavors and I will encourage my friends to do the same. I promise to spread the gospel of Mikki Moore far and wide. Amen.