Oh, the Ways You Suck

I would love nothing more than to write on and on about how much the man blows. I could talk about his amazing pouting skills. I could tell you about missed open lay ups and bad catches. I could tell you how he was paid almost $8 mil last year to watch games from the best seat in the house. But I won’t, simply because I’ve been inspired by the man. Why should I try unless TZ guarantees that my paragraph starts his column on K9’s sucktitude? Why would I want to do that when I can just sit here, cry like a baby, and let a too old former D-Leaguer do my job for me?

Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf!

Translation: I’m really not a very good shooter. I rebound well for my size, but I am undersized for my position. I can defend well now and then, but on the few occasions where I have logged serious minutes my opponent has beaten me like a drum. I bring nothing to the team emotionally, and as the third highest player on the Kings this year, I will make more money than Spencer Hawes, Francisco Garcia, Quincy Douby, Jason Thompson and Donte’ Greene…combined! Put another way, I make roughly the same amount as David West and I play the same position (comparison ends here). My bloated contract, combined with my immense lack of contributing anything to my team is the biggest single reason that the Kings will be battling for the 11th spot in the west.

Man oh man Ive been waiting for this…

The reason Kenny sucks so bad is we all know the talent can be there. For 6’7" guy to get ten boards a game is no easy feat. But he’s got it in his head he cant do that unless he starts. So he fights teammates, fights coaches, and fights local radio personalities that call him out. He’s like the ugly girl at the party who just realized she’s ugly. He’s just being rebellion(thanks Pacman!) to his ineptitude.

Plus a couple of friends of mine hooked up with girls who had enjoyed Kenny’s more personal touch. They said he couldn’t score there either.

Why does he suck? Kenny Thomas decided that he no longer needs to earn his contract. To paraphrase Douglas Adams, some ment are born into mediocrity (which wasn’t Thomas’ problem, shown by his numbers from 3 or 4 years ago), some men have mediocrity thrust upon them (through injuries, bad coaches, etc), and some men choose mediocrity. Kenny Thomas is a rare breed, though. He decided that mediocrity wasn’t enough, so he decided to be a black hole of suckitude, so dense that no talent can ever escape.

How does he suck? Missed lay-ups, terrible attitude, no effort, unwilling to fight for rebounds, a complete lack of contribution.

Any chance at redemption? Only in the form of his expiring contract. The only silver lining in the entire saga is that We aren’t locked into him for another 5 years or something.

For some reason it bugs me when he walks. He kind of walks on his tip-toes. Is that reason enough, or do I need more?

Kenny Thomas isn’t the worst player in the league. Sorry. He has an albatross contract and is absolutely untradeable because of it, but as much as we like to pile on, K9 isn’t the worst player in the NBA.

’nuff said

Kenny’s not the worst player in the league. I doubt he’s even the worst player on the team. He has a contract that’s a pain in the arse, and he’s undersized for what he actually is, a power forward. I think if you play him 30 minutes a night, you’d get good stats out of him.

I am not, however, suggesting that this is what should happen.

He’s not a locker room cancer, and he’s making the best of the situation. Yeah, he gets paid a lot, but you know these guys would rather play and contribute at half the price than rust on the bench. If he can be unloaded, you do it. But the guy is no stiff.

I’m in stiches from laughter.