(Killer satire from iashwash. -- TZ)
Sacramento, CA (AP) - The Sacramento Kings locker room is currently in an uproar over the All-Star selections. The 24 players for the East and West teams were recently selected by a coaches vote and released earlier today by the NBA Front Office. A total of 17 teams are represented. The opinions of the Kings players vary, but it is the general consensus that several Kings players were unfairly denied a roster spot.
The Kings player with the highest expectations of receiving a spot, Kevin Martin, declined to comment in detail his response to the official selections. He simply offered this quote: "Man, if Ghostface Zillah had a vote, you know the K-to-the-M-Duece-Tray would be in that game. Speedracer don't lie." Leagues sources could not confirm why the mentioned "Zillah" did not have a vote, nor why his face would be ghostly. Members of the coaching staff, however, were adamant that if Kevin Martin had the usability of both his ankles, the selections would certainly be different. Kings Interim Coach Kenny Natt commented that he expects Martin to be an All-Star, going so far as to say "If I have to coach him for the rest of my career as a head coach, at least let him be an All-Star." When Kings owner Joe Maloof was questioned about the comments, his response was confusingly the one word "Interim."
Kings surprise player and starting small-forward John Salmons was even less willing to talk, repeating over and over to himself "Anything Allen can do, Johnny boy can do better." Next to him stood Francisco Garcia, who simply had to say "Injury, man, if no injury, Frisco on roster. Automatic, like Francisco shoots game-winning threes. But it okay, Garcia, he's a tough cookie. Francisco'll bounce back, go into overtime, hit another one. Cisco do it dirty, come eso." The coaching staff had no explanations for why every Kings player needed to refer to themselves in the third person. Donté Buckéts suggested that the denial of All-Star status likely caused them to deny themselves. Bobby Buckéts provided the more nonchalant "That's what happens to people when they get drafted... you think those suits are fashion statements?" Kings Veteran Bobby Jackson, however, had the final word: "Without bagels, there is no I or me."
Perhaps most furious of all Kings players was starting Center Brad Miller. In the post Celtics game press conference, Miller was in a rage: "Sure, I guess you think to yourself, maybe we need points and rebounds, so lets put David West on there. But your missing the point - who's going to plead your case to the referees? Is Shaquille O'Neal going to get you ticky-tack foul calls? I know people think Dirk Nowitzki can get in the refs face and bitch one out, but, c'mon - have you seen me? Dude, I am the shit - my face looks so sad, they wanna cast me in the remake of Old Yeller. I got everyone in the sidelines thinking that dude just shanked me, or smoked my weed, or had sex with my mom. Amare Stoudamire can't pull that shit. Rashard Lewis wouldn't bat an eye for a no-call. Yao Ming can't speak ENGLISH! Tim Duncan, you say? Tim Duncan? Who do you think taught Tim Duncan that eyes-wide-open-nuh-nuh-dis-shyt-aint-irie look? That's right? Brad 'ImmaBitchTill I Die' Miller. I get Rasheed Wallace results with less technical fouls - I lead the league by a mile in complaints/tech. C'mon."
Brad Miller currently is averaging 45 complaints a tech, leading Rasheed Wallace (29), Tim Duncan (19), and Eduardo Najera (18.9). Mikki Moore is second on the Kings with 2, though he has a similar lead on the leagues Screams/Possession statistic. The only other King leading the league in any statistic is Kenny Thomas, whose Dollars/Minute not only currently hold the NBA record, but also rival the US GDP. Memphis Grizzly Antoine Walker, however, promises to take back the record, as a favor to his fans.
After the Miller tirade, Kings interim coach Kenny Natt refused to respond to questions about the All-Star game, only finally commenting as he was leaving: "That team we faced tonight had TWO All-Stars on their Roster, and neither was named Eddie House, and we STILL outplayed them in the first quarter. Think about that for a minute, and honestly answer whether those "All-Star" rosters are fair."
While the debates over the All-Star selections will likely continue, it is the hope of many fans that the players respond the snubs with a desire to prove the league wrong. Said one fan who refused to identify himself by name but was all-too-willing to give his seating section: "Wait, is this going to get published? Can I make a witty comment? Dude, dude: what do I say? Oh, I know, I know... The team needs to get together, reach deep inside and pull together for a win and leave it all on the floor." All further comments were distorted by a sequence of guffaws and exclamations that the statement was a repeat of an original quote from an unnamed "She". Local police are investigating the matter, and former player Justin Williams is to be brought in for questioning.