How to Get Destroyed By a Bad Team in Three Easy Steps

Do you like what you see? Do you want in on the action? Well you're in luck. With my three-step plan -- The Kings Way -- you too can get destroyed by bad teams on a regular basis.

Want to learn more? Of course you do!

Step 1: Have no idea what to do on defense.

The easiest way to lose to bad teams is to allow them to score at will. Don't get in their way -- that only makes it harder for them to score! If you want to get destroyed by bad teams with the greatest of ease, you really need to commit to having no idea whatsoever what you should be doing on any given defensive possession.

A high screen-roll? Don't bother switching or hedging! Just do a pirouette and call it a day!

The opposing point guard penetrates? Don't bother rotating! Just start running down to the other end of the court, or maybe hail a hot dog vendor. And before you know it, the opponent will score. It's that easy!

Step 2: Pretend the opposing defenders are holograms.

To really get pounded, you need to turn the ball over a lot. Some NBA players find it difficult to just throw the ball directly at a defender. (Something about "pride.") A great way to squelch this urge to not directly give the ball away is to pretend all the defenders are holograms! Holograms can't catch the ball, or knock it away. You can throw the ball straight through them! Ha HA! It's even fun!

But of course, the defenders are not actually holograms, and they will catch or knock away the ball. But you have an excuse -- you thought they were holograms, and no one told you differently! What good is a coach if he can't even tell you the other team is not made up of holograms?

Step 3: If at first you don't succeed, try the same thing over and over and over and over.

You don't want to be a quitter, do you? Only a QUITTER would, upon failing with the same basic strategy again and again and again, try something different. To really get creamed by a rather awful opponent, you can't just be bad, or predictable. You need to be badly predictable, and predictably bad. Be stubborn! Refuse to adjust in the most basic, simple ways! Don't stop the bleeding!

There you have it, the world's leading three-step plan on how to get destroyed by a bad team. With The Kings Way, you too can be embarrassingly awful in every sense of the word. Be sure to attend our next seminar, Sunday at 7. Cheap tickets still available!

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