The Pookeygurometer (Patent Pending): A New Scientific Method of Ultimate Value and Truth

It's been a slow summer. Doratio Kane and the Hummus of Horror is going fantastically though and should be done relatively soon (ok that's probably a lie, I didn't realize how much work it would be. Things gonna be a freaking mini-novella).  

So what have I been doing instead of entertaining the masses with my hilarious (my imaginary friend Tim laughed) stories that will rock your world?  I have been doing scientific research of the utmost importance to the Sacramento Kings!  All of you have seen dalt99's analysis on projecting the NBA success of certain collegiates, but I say its all hogwash!  My new method is much more accurate and valuable.  I give you ... the Pookeygurometer (Patent Pending)!

What is the Pookeygurometer (Patent Pending)? Only the most accurate and efficient way of judging talent ever.  So how does the Pookeygurometer (Patent Pending) work? Easy.  Through the use of intense research and analysis, it has come to my conclusion that the angrier Sactown Royalty user Pookeyguru becomes at a draft pick, the greater the projected success of this draft pick in the NBA.  So lets take a look.

My research began by taking a look at Sactown Royalty's previous draft threads and analyzing all of Pookeyguru's comments for our draft picks.  Then I fed the results into the Pookeygurometer (Patent Pending), and it gave me a number from 0 - 100, 100 being the angriest Pookey gets.  So lets not waste any further time and explore the results.

Spencer Hawes: Pick #10 in the 2007 NBA draft.

Spencer was the first pick for which I had data for.  Let's take a look at some of the choicer pieces of data, in this case direct quotes from Pookeyguru (expletives shall be changed to things equally offensive to Kings fans, but when viewed by an outsider, will mean nothing)

MOTHERLAKERS (HOW CAN I NOT HATE GEOFF PETRIE TODAY?)

I HATE SPENCER HAWES AND HE'S DONE NOTHING TO ME!!!! ROBERT HORRY!!!!! RICK FOX!!!!!!

MOTHERNATTER THIS DRAFT IS GOING COMPLETELY WRONG IN EVERY WAY!

... I wonder if Petrie is trying to sabotage the franchise on purpose. I really do.

Where's bball. He can take to me to Dubai with him. We're both going to jump off the tower.

The Pookeygurometer (Patent Pending) nearly broke when I fed it the data.  I could smell the hatred, anger and sexual frustration in the air (that last one might have just been me).  With this data, I predict Spencer to become one of the league's top Centers at some point in his career and a multiple time All-Star. Possibly Hall of Fame.

Pookeygurometer rating (90)

Jason Thompson: Pick #12 in the 2008 NBA Draft

Jason was a little bit of an enigma, mainly because nobody expected this pick.  Pookey's reaction:

What the Ron Artest.  Holy lord oh my lordy lord.

I'm alternately confused/horrified/curious what the hell kind of pipe Petrie has

In response to STR user Cab, who said he was going to get drunk and burn his house down:

Leave me inside when you torch it ok?

Mr. Jason Thompson, I promise to not judge you. I promise to not blame you if in fact you can’t handle being a lottery pick and the expectations that come with it. I promise to shoot Geoff Petrie on sight. I promise to keep an open mind after diving head first with a stone tablet off the Space Needle. I promise to keep faith that the NBA Draft profile of you is gloriously accurate and you make us all look stupid. I repeat, again, that I promise to keep an open mind after diving head first off the Space Needle with a stone tablet.

The Pookeygurometer (Patent Pending) was rather confused when I input the data for Jason Thompson.  I had to fiddle with it and add a filter for confusion and passive-aggressive hatred, but in the end the results were clear: Pookey was still mad as hell, but more confused than anything.  He also had some positive things to say as well, and that kind of threw off the data for a bit, but JT still projects to be a very solid player, probably never an All-Star, with the Pookeygurometer (Patent Pending) system.

Pookeygurometer rating (65) 

Sean Singletary: Pick #42 of the 2008 NBA Draft and Patrick Ewing Jr.: Pick #43 of the 2008 NBA Draft

Because of how little data was available for either of these picks, I was forced to combine the two.  The only meaningful piece of data I found were these gems:

I'm going to shoot myself. Theus in the corner, and shoot a cat with a mousetrap. That sums up where I’m at.

Because of the lack of speficity, this data could still have been about Jason Thompson.  Or just a cry for help.

I say somebody beat Petrie until he admits that Ewing Jr was a pointless selection

And the last quote offers some specifics.  Still, the hatred is mainly geared at Petrie, although he's technically calling Ewing Jr. pointless.

So, combined, Pookey showed more indifference than rage or hatred towards these picks, and neither of them project to do much of anything in this league.

Pookeygurometer Rating (5)

Tyreke Evans: Pick #4 of the 2009 NBA Draft

Tyreke, our highest pick in years.  The supposed future of our franchise. Well is he? Let's take a look at the data:

I'm going to refereeingingame6ofthe2002westernconferencefinals die

We're off to a good start for Evans. This might even be better than Spencer

I hate this pick. I'm going away now

A lie it seems, as Pookey is not nearly finished. In fact he's just getting started.

Unless Evans turns out to be great, I’ll never forgive this pick.

I hate the Evans pick

I HATE THE TYREKE EVANS PICK. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

I hate Jews. I mean Israelis. I mean Natt. I hate the Tyreke Evans pick. NATT NATT NATT NATT NATT NATT NATT

Voisin, I hate really hate the Evans pick now. Really hate it hate it hate it.

I'm going to throw up.

I DON'T GIVE A CHAD FORD. I HATE THIS PICK OF TYREKE EVANS.

By this time, the Pookeygurometer (Patent Pending) had exploded.  I think it had reached 135 (and I had programmed it only to be able to reach 100).  I almost lost my left arm.  I can confidently say that with such a powerful reading from the Pookeygurometer (Patent Pending), Tyreke Evans is going to be Rookie of the Year, 1st Team All-NBA and MVP throughout his career.  Possibly all this year.

Apologies to Omri Casspi and Jon Brockman, but building another Pookeygurometer (Patent Pending) will take some time.  John Hollinger, eat your heart out.