The Ninety-Five Theses on the Power and Efficacy of the Sacramento Kings

As posted on the front door of Sacramento's greatest church -- ARCO Arena -- this morning.

Out of love for the truth and the desire to bring it to light, the following propositions will be discussed as the Sacramento Kings embark on the 2010-11 NBA season, beginning on October 27, 2010, in Minneapolis, Minn. (Or is it St. Paul, Minn.?)

In the Name our Lord Mitch Richmond. Amen.

1. Wherefore Tyreke Evans isn the reigning NBA Rookie of the Year, and as such is really, really good being that he beat out two really, really good players for the award.

2. That he was better than the others last year does not ensure that he shall forevermore be considered the greater of the guards.

3. Under the assumption most young players improve our time given work and playing experience, other guards in the league, including those contenders for the 2009-10 Rookie of the Year award, will improve.

4. Tyreke Evans must work hard to improve in order to remain an order of magnitude better than most guards.

5. Tyreke Evans has spent his summer working to improve his jump shot, a critical component of his offensive power.

6. Should Tyreke Evans present a consistent jump shoot, which the League has heretofore not seen from said player, then Tyreke Evans' power as an offensive force shall be immutable, even by the infidel Shane Battier.

7. Should Tyreke Evans prove immutable, the Kings shall be much improved under the Holy Law of Jordan that you are only as good or bad as your best player allows you to be.

8. Under the rule of the LeBronian Creed, and also as it pertains to the Book of Oscar (pre-Milwaukee version), one great player cannot win alone in the NBA.

9. As such, Tyreke Evans, despite expanded efficacy, will need help for the Kings to truly improve as a team.

10. Under the 2005 Collective Bargaining Agreement, teams may improve their roster through the NBA draft, free agency and trades.

11. Geoff Petrie is considered to a wise vicar regarding the league's register, and often makes unfair trades that'd make Gypsies blush.

12. Geoff Petrie executed one trade this summer, sending the tall and pale Spencer Hawes to our friends the Amish of Pennsylvania along with The Argentine is exchange for a mammoth Caribbean man called Samuel Dalembert.

12. Wherefore Samuel Dalembert is considered monstrous near the rim while Spencer Hawes is decidely not, the Kings expect improvement, should Samuel Dalembert be made whole.

13. Whereas Spencer Hawes infuriated a large subset of fans with erratic play, it is expected his departure will leave said large subset of fans less infuriated, if infuriated at all.

14. Geoff Petrie is also considered to be a wizard of the player drafting process, having selected Jason Williams, Peja Stojakovic, Hedo Turkoglu, Gerald Wallace, Kevin Martin, Tyreke Evans, Omri Casspi and Quincy Douby at positions far lower than deserved.

15. Geoff Petrie had the luxury of the No. 5 pick and the No. 33 pick in June's 2010 NBA Draft.

16. Geoff Petrie had the luxury of picking after Prince Kahn of Darkostein, which leads scholars to assign Petrie and the Kings the No. 4 pick for all practical purposes.

17. Many of Geoff Petrie's contemporaries are nancies, and were found to be afraid of selecting DeMarcus Cousins, a fiery bullmastif.

18. DeMarcus Cousins was available for selection by Geoff Petrie, and as Geoff Petrie is not a nancy, Geoff Petrie selected DeMarcus Cousins.

19. Many of Geoff Petrie's contemporaries are also biased against ultralong power forwards with arms that literally don't quit and who led the NCAA in blocked shots as a freshman, and as such Hassan Whiteside slipped into the second round.

20. Geoff Petrie can appreciate ultralong power forwards with arms that literally don't quit and who led the NCAA in blocked shots as a freshman, and as such selected Hassan Whiteside with the No. 33 pick.

21. With Samuel Dalembert, DeMarcus Cousins and Hassan Whiteside, the Kings have substantially more talent in the frontcourt than a year ago.

22. Being that frontcourt players are important to a team's success, and being that the Kings have substantially more talent in the frontcourt than a year ago, it is quite reasonable to expect that this area of the game will be much improved in 2010-11.

23. Wherefore Tyreke Evans needs better performance around him in order for the team to perform better, it is reasonable to surmise that the improved frontcourt will help achieve this goal, that being improved performance overall.

24. Whereas a rising tide lifts all boats, Paul Westphal ought to remove his yacht from the Granite Bay Yacht Club and Marina before next Tuesday.

25. Whereas a rising tide lifts all boats, Tyreke Evans can expect to capitalize on the improved frontcourt by having improved performance himself.

26. Wherefore Andres Nocioni, known in circles of the devout as The Argentine or El Chapu, played fairly terrible defense in 2010-11 and was a shooter without conscious and general efforted but annoying malcontent.

27. Wherefore malcontention is quite contagious and can lead to increased poor spirit for neighbors in the locker room as well as fans, it is reasonable to assume The Argentine's poor spirit lead to a nominal decrease in positivity for other Kings.

28. Whyfore The Argentine has been detached from the Sacramento for these and other reasons, it is expected that The Argentine can no longer stain the spirits of the current Kings.

29. Wherefore without The Argentine's cancer-y cancer, the Kings who occupy lockers near that of which Andres Nocioni occupied, those players should be in better spirits this season.

30. Spirit is a critical component of play, as evidenced by the soulless performance of the disspirited Peja Stojakovic circa 2005.

31. Positive spirit leads to good play, as evidenced by Mark Madsen, two-time NBA MVP and first-ballot Hall of Fame lock.

32. Mark Madsen's spirit can never be replicated, but a reasonable facsimile can be created.

33. A reasonable facsimile of Mark Madsen's epic positive spirit requires a complete vaccuum of what can be termed "bad mojo."

34. Last season, The Argentine created bad mojo.

35. As described in Thesis 28, The Argentine has departed and can no longer supply bad mojo to the Kings or the greater Sacramento area.

36. Therefore, the conditions for the creation of a reasonable facsimile of Mark Madsen's epic positive spirit are present in Sacramento.

37. Therefore, there is no scenario under which a positive spirit will not be created in Sacramento this season.

38. Wherefore the Kings lacked a positive spirit in 2009-10 but will be present in 2010-11, and wherefore positive spirit leads to good play, one can expect that the Kings will benefit for better play due to the spirit upgrade.

39. Wherefore The Argentine also kind of stunk as a player, and given that he has been removed from the roster, the Kings now have one less stinky player.

40. Given that The Argentine did play for the Kings and now will not, and given that his replacements in the line-up do not stink, the Kings can expect better production from that position.

41. Wherefore Donte Greene is an accurate replication of David Thompson in his prime.

42. Wherefore Omri Casspi is an accurate replication of Jesus Christ in his prime.

43. The Kings should perform well at the small forward position 100 percent of the time, given that essentially David Thompson and Jesus Christ are playing for the team.

44. Wherefore small forward production was erratic in 2009-10.

45. Wherefore performing well 100 percent of the time represents consistency.

46. Wherefore consistency has the effect of a rising tide, which lifts all boats and which should encourage Paul Westphal to relocate his yacht.

47. The 100 percent consistency at small forward led by New David Thompson and New Jesus Christ should help Kings at the other four positions to play better.

48. Wherefore Tyreke Evans plays at one of the other four positions.

49. Wherefore under the LeBronian Creed Tyreke Evans needs better performance around him to excel.

50. The improved performance at 100 percent consistency at the small forward ought to improve Tyreke Evans' production.

51. Wherefore Jason Thompson is a beast.

52. Wherefore beasts rule the NBA.

53. Wherefore Jason Thompson will play substantial minutes as a key member of the frontcourt rotation despite the addition of three new quality frontcourt players.

54. Therefore, Jason Thompson, a beast, will rule the NBA for substantial minutes.

55. Carl Landry wears a top hat.

56. Top hats are not allowed during the course of basketball games after the Buggsy Willis incident in 1927.

57. Therefore, Carl Landry will not wear top hats during basketball games.

58. Beno Udrih performs magic as a side job.

59. One of the spells Beno Udrih knows invokes a Yeti to do Beno Udrih's bidding.

60. Beno Udrih's Yeti invocation is undetectable to NBA referees on account of rampant blindness among the NBA referee corps.

61. Beno Udrih can therefore use his Yeti invocation spell at will.

62. Beno Udrih has only a tempermental Yeti who has heretofore refused to stop crocheting baby booties to do Beno Udrih's bidding.

63. Beno Udrih was able to have his tempermental crotcheting Yeti seen by a Viennese psychiatrist this summer.

64. Viennese psychiatrists are renowned for their ability to diagnose and treat tempermental Yetis.

65. Beno Udrih makes $6 million a season, and as such can afford the best in Viennese psychiatrists specializing in tempermental Yetis.

66. The best in Viennese psychiatrists specializing in tempermental Yetis can cure behaviorial problems with 100 percent success rates.

67. Beno Udrih's tempermental Yeti's Viennese psychiatrist was able to discover the root problem of said Yeti; the problem was the Yeti's mother.

68. Beno Udrih's tempermental Yeti met with his mother to work through their problems.

69. Beno Udrih's Yeti is no longer tempermental.

70. Beno Udrih shall have no further problem accessing his Yeti's services at any time.

71. The Yeti, invisible to blind referees, can impact a basketball game in a great many ways, as evidienced last season by Wesley Matthews.

72. Beno Udrih's Yeti is happy again, and will do Beno Udrih's bidding gladly.

73. Beno Udrih is happy, and will do the Kings' bidding gladly.

74. Yeti = :-), therefore Yeti = Beno's. Because Beno = :-), therefore Beno = Kings'. Therefore, by the transitive property, Yeti = Kings'.

75. No one expects the Yeti.

76. The Yeti will be a great boon to the Kings, being an unexpected monster doing the team's bidding on command.

77. Wherefore Monta Ellis True Shooting percentage has herpes and will soon infect that of Stephen Curry.

78. Wherefore Blake Griffin does not have a facial hair, the key to success for frontcourt players.

79. Wherefore Kobe Bryant is evil personified.

80. Wherefore Channing Frye has no taste in metropolises.

81. Wherefore Brandon Roy is secretly a devout follower of LeBron James' personal philosophy.

82. Wherefore Kevin Durant is secretly a devout eater of Krispy Kreme donuts and looks like Michael Sweetney underneath his latex faux skin.

83. Wherefore Ronnie Price has served as a secret agent on behalf of Geoff Petrie for several years, and continues to do so.

84. Wherefore Carmelo Anthony loves New York.

85. Wherefore Wesley Johnson makes me and his point guards LOL.

86. Wherefore Chris Paul has a nasty tax situation weighing on his mind constantly.

87. Wherefore Tim Duncan has become addicted to World of Warcraft and can't stop thinking about his Tauren mage idea.

88. Wherefore Rodrigue Beaubois makes a mean bouilebaisse, but totally left the beef out on the counter all night despite a broken A/C.

89. Wherefore Kevin Martin is soft and mentally weak.

90. Wherefore Rudy Gay now has "F-ck you money."

91. The Kings shall face no serious competition in the Western Conference.

92. The Eastern Conference is also full of amateurs.

93. Wherefore Francisco Garcia has a tranquilizer gun he is prepared to use against any player who dare perform well against the Kings.

94. Wherefore you can only beat teams you play.

95. The Kings will go 82-0 and win the NBA championship.

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