He is qualified in that he may already be a licensed obstetrician. Please, let me explain.
LeBron James spends his entire life in Ohio. Born, raised, educated, employed. By all accounts he is successful in Ohio, and worth many, many millions. For most people, that would be enough.
But not LeBron.
The "common wisdom" among basketball cognoscenti and ignorant fans is that LeBron James took his services to South Florida because he wanted to win championships. This belief is so stupid, as to be laughable.
I actually laughed for fifteen or twenty minutes, but I know there is only so much of being laughed at that you dummies can handle. Back to it.
There is only one thing that makes hoisting an NBA title trophy look like something that comes out of a bird's butt, and that's being the guy that not only decides who wins the trophy, but is also the guy who awards the trophy.
Quite obviously, LeBron James wants to be Commissioner of the National Basketball Association.
Now, this isn't the sort of thing that just happens to you when you're born black in Akron, Ohio. I'm from Ohio, and none of my neighbors was even one time the NBA commissioner, so that proves it.
But what chance does LeBron James have of becoming NBA commissioner, given that he has so many strikes against him? As a young black man from Akron? None. That's a job for middle-aged to elderly Jewish guys, it's right there in the job description.
Of all the places in the world LeBron could have chosen to live, he went with Miami Beach. Kosher delis, shuffleboard, early-bird specials, being despised for having undue influence.
LeBron James is trying to become a middle-aged Jewish man.
Think about it! He's already aged, like, SIX MONTHS since announcing his decision! He has a beard. He often wears hats for reason most people don't really understand. He is the ONLY NBA player, Omri Casspi included, that has in his contract, a clause requiring a gefilte fish buffet for six to be provided 82 nights a year, plus playoffs and Passover.
You may scoff at the notion of LeBron James having his say about NBA contraction, but it's just a matter of time until he himself has the authority to drop the hammer. The conversion process is already underway. Teams will be cut away like so many useless foreskins.
The announcement will be held on a future Saturday morning at Temple Beth Espn, and will be presided over by Rabbi Jim Gray. Refreshments will be served immediately after in the multi-purpose room.