2010 NBA Draft Big Board - Pasty White Guy Edition
by vfettke on May 26, 2010 6:35 PM PDT
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Let's face it people, we all know the big names in the 2010 draft: John Wall, Evan Turner, DeMarcus Cousins, and Derrick Favors. But what about the unathletic white guys in this year's draft? Who's doing a write up on them? No one... well, except for me. Now, I'm sure you're wondering how a player being white, goofy, and slightly uncoordinated has to do with his draft status or how well he can play basketball. A player's skin color has nothing to do with their athletic ability. You know that. I know that. So save the politically correct shit for some other humorless hippy that cares. That's not why I'm doing this. I'm doing this because of the fact that pasty white guys are like kryptonite to the Kings: Chris Kaman, Linas Kleiza, Nenad Krstic. Those guys destroy us. If the Lakers ever let Adam Morrison play I'd let out a Wilhelm Scream and hide under the covers. And don't get me started on Jonas Jerebko. Skinny, white, and a faux hawk? *shudder* It's also important to keep in mind Geoff Petrie's penchant for fair skinned foreigners with funny sounding names. He's like the Tiger Woods of NBA GMs.
Without any further ado, your comprehensive list of pasty white dudes that will eventually look like All Stars against the Sacramento Kings:
*Note: If you think I just wrote down all of the white dudes on DraftExpress.com's 2010 Mock Draft... you'd be correct*
- Cole Aldrich - He's been described as the "rich man's Joel Pryzbilla (yes, that's from DX to, jerk off)." Don't think that doesn't make my panties moist.
- Donatas Motiejunas - 7 foot Lithuanian who can score and pass quite well but isn't a great defender or rebounder. Mr. Petrie, please wipe the drool off your desk.
- Gordon Hayward - Remember in 2007 when people joked about checking Greg Oden's birth certificate to make sure he wasn't 40? Same thing here, except it's to make sure that he's not a really tall 12 year old girl
- Luke Babbit - Could be the next JJ Redick, minus the hair gel
- Miroslav Raduljica - I can't wait to hear Jerry try to stumble over this 7 foot Serbian's name. The only thing funnier would be if the Lakers drafted him and we could hear Bill Walton try and say it.
- Artsiom Parakhouski - Could be picked up in the second round and make history (a la Omri Casspi) by being the first Belarusian player to play in the NBA
- Alexey Shved - He's the Russian Ricky Rubio who's been tearing up the Euro League for CSKA Moscow. This 21 year old sensation averaged 12 points, 12 rebounds, and 12 assists per 36 minutes this season. That might have something to do with that fact that he only plays 1.5 minutes per game.
- Robin Benzing - Reminds me a lot of a certain tall, much beloved, Dallas player from Germany: Uwe Blab
- Mikhail Torrance - This Russian... wait, he's from Alabama? And he's not white? Who the fuck names their kid Mikhail other than a crazy drunk Russian? Mind = blown
- Nemanja Bjelica - He could be the Serbian Ricky Rubio. Okay, he's nothing like Rubio, he just looks similar. I'm hoping if I make enough comparisons to Rubio that Ailene Voison will plan a trip to Eastern Europe in the hopes of being a "victim" of human sex slave trafficking.
- Vladimir Dasic - Rule #938 in VFettke's Rules For Not Getting Maimed and/or Killed (coming October 2nd to a bookstore near you): Never fuck with a guy named Vlad.
- Luke Harangody - if Zach Randolph is Z-Bo, then Luke Harangody is L-Bo, because he looks like he's taken too many to the face.
- Brian Zoubek - 7'1", 250 pound fundamentally sound center with a killer smile from Duke. I hate him already.
- Andrew Ogilvy - Let's be honest, this stopped being funny like 4 picks ago. I'm surprised you're still reading this
(This is a FanPost from a member of the Sactown Royalty community. The views expressed come from the member, and not Sactown Royalty staff.)
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He's praying that Cole Aldrich has a heart condition and drops to him at the #10 spot
#vfettkefordraft
"The Kings will get a top 3 pick in the 2010 draft. Book it!"
by vfettke on May 26, 2010 7:45 PM PDT up reply actions 2 recs
I'm guessing Hayward
Hometown kid you know?
Grandmaster of the "Never let AnotherStupidSN forget what a Sham-Wow is" Order and Originator of the "Brock Ness Monster".
As a pasty white guy Pacers fan
I’m not opposed to drafting those-with-little-to-no-melanin (we might lose Dunleavy and Murphy this year after all) but none of the pasty guys available seem to fit the needs of the Pacers. Does that mean Bird won’t surprise us and pick a “hard working” and “fundamentally sound” player? Lets just say, stranger things have happened!
Great write-up, love dropping in to this site from time to time. It’s my duty as a SacTown resident!
who would you chose? Haywood or Babbit?
by betweentheeyes on May 28, 2010 11:08 PM PDT up reply actions
Gotta be honest
I don’t know as much about Babbit as I do about Haywood. I think you take Haywood based on local ticket sales. Lord knows we need something to get people in seats.
Personally though I hope the Pacers trade down and take a PG late in the first. Bledsoe or Bradley.
Would you take a big and be happy with that?
EvilCowtownInc: Screwin Suckaz over since 1985......
No mistakes in the tango, Donna. Not like life. Simple. That's what makes the tango so great. If you make a mistake, and get all tangled up, you just tango on.....
Good question
I don’t think Aldrich works well with the players we have, Whiteside is a huge project, one I don’t think the Pacers have time for, and I really like Hibbert’s future. So I guess the answer is no, I wouldn’t be really happy with any C in the 10 range.
PF’s might be another question, trading up for a big such as Favors, Monroe, or Cousins might not be an awful option. I guess we will have to keep checking the workout reports to see which one of those guys tears it up this offseason. Maybe there will be something there that Larry sees and wants. Hansbrough should be back this season, effectively giving us a rookie at PF, so it isn’t a terrible need. However, the draft is PF strong, sometimes you have to take talent.
If I could add my 2 cents to your pick at 5, I like Cousins if he is available. I think you guys have the atmosphere and coaching staff (Westphal) to handle someone like him. Reading the amount of work ’Reke is putting into this offseason, has to give you guys a good feeling. Knowing that your stud is putting in the work fosters a positive team atmosphere that will trickle down to the other young bucks the Kings pick up. Cousins needs the right system, I think he would work for the Kings.
Hope you're right about Cousins even though I don't see it personally.
The Pacers are an interesting team cuz they’re right on the cusp of rebuilding but quite have reached that point yet.
EvilCowtownInc: Screwin Suckaz over since 1985......
No mistakes in the tango, Donna. Not like life. Simple. That's what makes the tango so great. If you make a mistake, and get all tangled up, you just tango on.....
they have been "cusping" for too long
the pieces have yet to meld. Their luck will change, I hope it does so soon.
by betweentheeyes on May 31, 2010 11:10 PM PDT up reply actions
They need to have one crap year like us last year
or hell, even this year. But they keep settling for being merely moderately bad.
Grandmaster of the "Never let AnotherStupidSN forget what a Sham-Wow is" Order and Originator of the "Brock Ness Monster".
Hilarious
7 through 9 had me laughing out loud
Good stuff V
On a sidenote, I really like Parakhouski at that 33 spot. Guy put up some damn impressive numbers in college, even if it was for a small school.
Grandmaster of the "Never let AnotherStupidSN forget what a Sham-Wow is" Order and Originator of the "Brock Ness Monster".
I love you V.
My wife doesn’t know. ;)
Blessings.Love.Peace
Want to listen to some independent music? Visit: www.nixonsghost.com
by lifestyleforthesellout on May 26, 2010 11:46 PM PDT reply actions
Agreed
And if he’d given Chris Welp a shout out our triumvirate of Teutonic nastiness would have been complete.
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Its sad that Harangody placed 12 on the All white list
So imitate the action of the tiger!.
Lend the eye a terrible aspect
- and teach them how to war!
Henry V iii
Don't blame me, blame DX
#vfettkefordraft
"The Kings will get a top 3 pick in the 2010 draft. Book it!"
I'd like to add...
Qouting V – “pasty white guys are like kryptonite to the Kings: Chris Kaman, Linas Kleiza, Nenad Krstic. Those guys destroy us.”
You forgot to mention Joel Przybilla. That dude completely murders us every game…
"he looks like he is going to take a bite out of a huge invisible sandwich..." - wallywagon11
Then I read the *entire* post.
I’m concerned for your panties, V, but can’t argue that if he were a King, and played like he does against us every game, my panties would be moist too. Good read, sir…
"he looks like he is going to take a bite out of a huge invisible sandwich..." - wallywagon11
Maybe, but he's not on DX's Mock
and neither was Ali Farokhmanesh, now that I think of it. Too bad
#vfettkefordraft
"The Kings will get a top 3 pick in the 2010 draft. Book it!"
Zoubek?
Looking at the rebounding chart is looks like he is better than Cousins… Fundamentals are sound?
I don’t watch much college basketball, but did read that he seemed key to his teams winning…
How is his defense? Anybody know if he is basically a Dalembert type?
I didn't major in Common F-cking Sense, but ...
the Duke player:
plays hard, plays smart, is coachable and has been well coached and knows how to take a charge,
by betweentheeyes on May 28, 2010 11:10 PM PDT up reply actions
Yes
And can clearly rebound. Read a piece on how their shooting has sucked (25-30%), but with Zoubek in it hasn’t hurt them at all.
I didn't major in Common F-cking Sense, but ...
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