Good evening friends, it is I, Nostradumbass! With the NBA Draft almost upon us, I have looked into my crystal ball* and seen the future**, and I can say with 100% certainty that I now know what will occur***, and man, David Kahn is hilarious once again.
"With the 1st pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Cleveland Cavaliers select ... Kyrie Irving"
You didn't need a prophet to tell you this. Don't act so surprised. But now it gets interesting.
"With the 2nd pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select ... Enes Kanter"
KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!!! Yes, Kahn likes Michael Beasley so much, he won't pick a player who will probably be better than Michael Beasley. Instead will opt for who he considers the best center in the NBA Draft... a non-athletic PF/C with good post moves and a big body, and hope to pair him up with Kevin Love as the frontcourt of the future. Wait a second, why does this sound so familiar...
"With the 3rd pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Utah Jazz select ... Derrick Williams"
The Jazz love this. The Derricks (Williams and Favors) are a good building block for the future.
"With the 4th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Cleveland Cavaliers select ... Jonas Valanciunas"
Yes I know that Jonas' stock seems to be falling because of his buyout situation... but Cleveland loves him, and thanks to them having the luxury of the #1 pick and Kyrie Irving, they can afford to wait a year to bring him over and the fans won't crucify them. Why miss out on a guy with the potential to be your frontcourt anchor for years just because you have to wait a year?
"With the 5th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Toronto Raptors select ... Brandon Knight"
New coach Dwane Casey is all about Defense. That's why Bismack Biyombo is being rumored to get some new interest by Toronto now. But Colangelo is smart. Jose Calderon and Jerryd Bayless are the two PGs right now. Both can't play defense. Acquiring Knight is a smart move for the future, and his shooting ability complements DeRozan's slashing, and they both have the chance to become good perimeter defenders.
"With the 6th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Washington Wizards select ... Jan Vesely"
Jan Vesely can run the floor and dunk. He's active with a good motor. John Wall would have two athletic big men in Vesely and McGee to throw the ball to near the hoop and get a dunk. Washington can't pass up the potential.
"With the 7th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Sacramento Kings select ... Jimmer Fredette"
And StR goes wild while Ziller cries.
"With the 8th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Detroit Pistons select ... Bismack Biyombo"
Detroit needs a defensive counterpart to Greg Monroe and Biyombo fits the bill.
"With the 9th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Charlotte Bobcats select ... Kawhi Leonard"
The Bobcats have a tough decision here with Kemba Walker still on the board. We know MJ loves his college stars... but with D.J. Augustin having a pretty successful year, PG isn't the best pick for them. Kawhi fits nicely here on the defensive oriented Bobcats.
"With the 10th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Milwaukee Bucks select ... Alec Burks"
Milwaukee needs scoring in a bad way. Burks is a young combo guard who can share ball handling responsibilities with Brandon Jennings, and he can just attack the basket and get points.
"With the 11th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Golden State Warriors select ... Klay Thompson"
Golden State wants to add some size to that backcourt while they continue to look at offers for Monta Ellis while simultaneously denying that they are shopping Monta Ellis.
"With the 12th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Utah Jazz select ... Kemba Walker"
Utah isn't too thrilled with this pick. They're glad Kemba survived to 12 to get a PG, but Jimmer was their first choice... and with that...
The Kings like Jimmer a bit more than they like Kemba, but they like Kemba as well. But Utah now has a crowded frontcourt now that Derrick Williams fell into their laps, and so Millsap becomes a bit redundant. Both teams get PGs they want, while Sacramento shores up its frontcourt (probably saying goodbye to Dalembert though as DMC, Millsap and JT are the main rotation). Ziller also stops crying.
"With the 13th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Phoenix Suns select ... Tristan Thompson"
Phoenix is ecstatic. They need an athletic, defensive minded PF, and Thompson fits the bill perfectly.
"With the 14th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Houston Rockets select ... Marcus Morris"
Houston isn't thrilled with anyone at this spot, and so go with the BPA in the better Morris twin, hoping that he can play the 3.
"With the 15th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Indiana Pacers select ... Marshon Brooks"
Brooks killed it in his Pacers workouts, and Indiana really needs a guard who can get buckets (its why they went after OJ Mayo at the last deadline).
"With the 16th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Philadelphia 76ers select ... Nikola Vucevic"
Philadelphia desperately needs help down low, so they grab skilled C Nikola Vucevic. Now they can have two versions of Spencer Hawes.
"With the 17th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the New York Knicks select ... Markieff Morris"
New York hopes that Markieff can play C next to Stoudemire.
"With the 18th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Washington Wizards select ... Jordan Hamilton"
Hey, why not grab the SF version of Nick Young?
"With the 19th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Charlotte Bobcats select ... Donatas Motiejunas"
Michael doesn't know who the hell this guy is, but he's 6'11 so he drafts him. Everyone has a good laugh.
"With the 20th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select ... Chris Singleton"
Kahn was kind of hoping for Motiejunas to be here at 7 so that he could call this the year of the Center. Instead he makes a perfectly logical selection of Chris Singleton... wait, this is Kahn.
"We have a 3 team trade. Charlotte sends the rights to Kawhi Leonard to Houston for the rights to Marcus Morris and the #23 pick. Charlotte also sends the rights to Donatas Motiejunas to Minnesota for the rights to Chris Singleton. Minnesota sends Jonny Flynn and Anthony Randolph to Houston for Hasheem Thabeet and Terrence Williams."
Charlotte does this because they like Morris quite a bit and while Singleton doesn't have the upside of Leonard, fits into that role nicely. Minnesota gets a guy they like in Motiejunas, and grabs two guys that Kahn thinks he can rehabilitate in Thabeet (who shall be mentored by Darko!) and Terrence Williams, while Houston gets a backup PG for Kyle Lowry and bets on the potential of Anthony Randolph over Hasheem Thabeet. The big get for them is Kawhi Leonard, who gets to play defense and rebound next to the Scola and K-Mart.
"With the 21st pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Portland Trailblazers select ... Kenneth Faried"
Quick, name LaMarcus Aldridge's backup... yeah, he doesn't have one. Faried is a nice get for Portland here, a guy who will come in and clean the glass and play defense.
"With the 22nd pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Denver Nuggets select ... Iman Shumpert"
J.R. Smith isn't coming back. Afflalo is Denver's only SG, and while its likely he'll be back, he can't play all 48 minutes. Shumpert gives them another young, super athletic guard who can play defense.
"With the 23rd pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Charlotte Bobcats (see above trade) select ... Travis Leslie"
Defense, defense, defense. Leslie gives them a nice defender on the wing to pair up with other draft pick Singleton.
"With the 24th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Oklahoma City Thunder select ... Tobias Harris"
Harris is almost like the F version of James Harden, in that he can do a little bit of everything. He could play as backup to Kevin Durant or Serge Ibaka, and he still has a lot of room to grow at just 18.
"With the 25th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Boston Celtics select ... Jeremy Tyler"
Boston is taking a calculated gamble here. They desperately need size as Jermaine O'Neal is the only Center left on the roster thanks to Shaq's retirement and Krstic signing in Europe. Even Big Baby Davis is a Free Agent. Tyler has size and talent, but he's a bit of a headcase. Boston gets to send him to Kevin Garnett/Ray Allen/Paul Pierce University of Hard Knocks. If he can't succeed with those guys as mentors, he can't succeed at all.
"With the 26th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Dallas Mavericks select ... Davis Bertans"
Dallas, fresh off a championship, is going to want to focus on trying to do it again, no matter how hard it is. Bertans is a pick for the future. He won't come over for a year or two, but when he does, he should be more developed and able to make more of an impact then.
"With the 27th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the New Jersey Nets select ... Tyler Honeycutt"
Because Travis Outlaw is the worst starting SF in the league.
"With the 28th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select ... Reggie Jackson"
"With the 29th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the San Antonio Spurs select ... Nikola Mirotic"
A coup for the Spurs who had a trade in place with Sacramento for the #7 pick if Jonas Valanciunas was available that fell through when Cleveland took him #4. But Mirotic is essentially a delayed lottery pick, and for the Spurs to get that at 29 is a steal. They're still a good team now, and Mirotic will come over in 2-3 years and help replace Timmy, potentially pairing with Splitter as a nice Euro frontcourt.
"With the 30th pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select ... Darius Morris"
Wait a second didn't they just draft a PG?
"We have a trade. The Chicago Bulls send the rights to Darius Morris to the Los Angeles Lakers for the #41 pick and cash considerations"
Pretty self-explanatory; the Lakers want an upgrade at PG, like Morris but know he won't be available at their first pick in the 2nd round at 41, so they send the Bulls $3 million to drop 11 spots. Chicago acquiesces.
A couple of other things that happen:
Atlanta trades Josh Smith and Marvin Williams to the Clippers for Chris Kaman, Ryan Gomes and Al-Farouq Aminu. The Clippers get an elite wing to pair with Blake Griffin and Eric Gordon, while the Hawks save a lot of salary over the long term, get a legit center to pair with Al Horford, and get last year's #8 pick in Aminu who could become the 2nd coming of Josh Smith if he develops correctly.
The Lakers sell two of their 4 2nd rounders for money.
Philly finally decides to make a deal for the future, grabbing a prospect in Casspi and a draft pick in a strong draft class in 2012. Along with their own they'll have two good draft picks in 2012. The Kings meanwhile get a proven glue guy and veteran leader, while filling a position of weakness.
After this, my memory gets a little hazy****. I just remember laughing at Kahn a lot (which will happen no matter what).
What do YOU think will happen, if you dare to not take my word as gospel?
* empty bottle of Jack Daniels
** A future where I need to go buy more Jack Daniels
*** 100% certainty is in regards to me drinking another bottle of Jack Daniels
**** Probably from drinking an entire bottle of Jack Daniels