Championship 2012: Kings Dominate Warriors

The talk between Sam Amick and Matt Steinmetz earlier this week got a lot of good conversation going, but I fear y'all are missing the point: the Sacramento Kings are way better equipped than the Golden State Warriors to dominate for the 2011-12 season and beyond. It's not even close.

In fact, the Kings are the most dominant force in the NBA. But we'll start with the Warriors.

POINT GUARD

Tyreke Evans is like ...

Rekehavoc_medium 

Stephen Curry is like ...

 Curry-tz_medium

And that's just the start ... 

Curry is a nice shooter. Guess what the NBA has a lot of? Nice shooters. Ray Allen? Nice shooter. Anthony Morrow? Nice shooter. Jason Kapono? Nice shooter. Liquid cocaine? Nice shooter. Matt Bonner? Nice shooter. HALO Reach? Nice shooter. William Tell? Nice shooter. (Or was William Tell the dude being shot at? If so, why do we have an overture for him and not the badass doing the shooting?)

Curry is a nice shooter. Tyreke is an atomized cloud of whoopass [via Stone Cold]. The NBA does not have a lot of atomized clouds of whoopass.

Consider these group of four NBA players. Which one does not belong?

LeBron James. Dwyane Wade. Tyreke Evans. Stephen Curry.

Only one of those dudes can shoot. You want him, or the other three?

SHOOTING GUARD

Marcus Thornton is a paragon of virtue whose True Shooting percentage is higher than that of Monta Ellis (.538 vs. .537). Thornton also has a conscience (fewer shots per minute) and doesn't gamble as much on defense (fewer steals). The two shot identical percentages on three-pointers last season (just including Thornton's Sacramento minutes); but M.T. took more threes per game than Monta, and more threes is better, according to Dr. A. Walker's Law Of There Are No Fours.

Thornton by a furlong.

SMALL FORWARD

John Salmons has his own clothing line. Dorell Wright wears Sean John.

Salmons by a nautical mile.

POWER FORWARD

DeMarcus Cousins is a reigning first-team All-Rookie performer, while David Lee is considered one of the most white power forwards in the NBA. Another thing the Warriors have in common with Matt Bonner. Typical. The Warriors = Matt Bonner. Explains a lot, really.

Cousins by the square root of the distance between Mumbai and Ganymede.

CENTER

The Kings will likely spend $20 million or more on a new center, possibly Dwight Howard himself. If not, then Shaquille O'Neal or Yao Ming maybe. The Warriors have Ekpe Udoh.

Center To Be Named Later by infinity.

FIRST MAN OFF BENCH

Jimmer Fredette is not just the Great White Hope, he is the Great Humankind Hope, and I think we all know that that means he'll beat Mr. T, Nikola Khruschev and poverty, probably at the same time. The Warriors counter with Klay Thompson, whose name is spelled wrong, LOL.

FIRST BIG OFF BENCH

The Kings have Jason "Beast Patrol" Thompson. The Warriors have Louis Amundson, who was previously cut by the Kings. WHAT NEXT, WARRIORS? JUSTIN WILLIAMS? DARRYL WATKINS? MIKKI MOORE? OH YEAH YOU ALREADY TRIED MIKKI MOORE HOW DID THAT WORK OUT GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS? I HEAR TODD FULLER IS AVAILABLE.

J.T. by a nose.

COACH

Paul Westphal once beat John Williamson at HORSE!

 

Mark Jackson's claim to fame is a series of catchphrases that would embarrass Soulja Boy.

Westphal by three letters.

CELEBRITY FANS

Mark Wahlberg always comes to Sacramento when the Celtics play here. I do not believe that he roots for the Kings on these visits, and in fact I am quite sure that the opposite is true. However, he is a celebrity fan, so how do you like them apples god I hope that is the right Bostonian actor.

I think I saw Nash Bridges at a Warriors game once. Pft.

Kings fans!

FINAL SCORE

Kings 1,453,998, Warriors 0.

KINGS WIN!

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