When in the Course of yet another abysmal season, it becomes necessary for one fan-base to dissolve the emotional bands which have connected them with a roster, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which Fair Competition and of the NBA as an entity may entitle them, a decent show of basketball prowess that mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all franchises are created equal, that they are endowed by their Commissioner with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Autonomy, Flexibility, and the pursuit of Happiness.That to secure these rights, General Managers are instituted among Teams, deriving their just powers from the consent of the Franchise, That whenever any Owners becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Burkleship, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to affect their Prosperity and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Franchises long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing new destinations evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Ownership, and to provide new Owners for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of this Region; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Ownership. The history of the present Maloof Clan of Las Vegas is a history of repeated injustices and bullshit, all having in direct object the establishment of a new Tyranny over a different State. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
They have refused to put a competitive team on the court, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
They have forbidden their General Managers to make acqusitions of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till their Wallet should be checked; and when so suspended, they have utterly neglected to attend to them.
They have refused to sign Free Agents for the accommodation of the Franchise, unless this Franchise would relinquish the right of Dignity within the League, a right inestimable to them and formidable to Donald Sterling only.
They have called together press conferences at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Sacramento, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with their measures.
They have dissolved coaching staffs repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness their cheapness against the team.
They have refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause competent staff to be hired; whereby the General Manager's powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of suckitude from without, and convulsions within.
They have endeavoured to prevent the popularity of this Franchise; for that purpose obstructing the ticket sales; refusing to spend money to encourage fan's migrations hither to Sleep Train, and citing these ticket sales as premise to explore Foreign Lands.
They Have obstructed the Development Process, by refusing to pay for a competent staff for cultivating Player Talent.
They have made General Managers dependent on Their Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
They have hired a multitude of Head Coaches, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our player's minutes, and eat out their potential.
They have kept among us, in Nights of Fan Appreciation, Lakers fans occupying their seats of Power.
They have affected to render George independent of and superior to the Team's power.
They have combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to reason, and unacknowledged by common sense; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended effort.
For Plastering large bodies of Vodka Commercials every Game televised.
For protecting themselves, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Stupidity which they should commit on the Inhabitants of Sacramento.
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the NBA, excluding Houston.
For imposing Plans to Take our Franchise on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of an up-to-date Arena:
For attempting to transport us beyond this county to be terrible. elsewhere.
For abolishing the Arena Deal, establishing therein an Developer, and enlarging its Powers so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
For taking away our Cheers, robbing our most valuable Wins, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Fandom.
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
They have abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of their Favor and waging War against us.
They have plundered our city, ravaged our Congress, burnt our Mayors, and destroyed the hearts of our people.
They are at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Lawyers to complete the works of Anti-Trust suits, along with desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Idiocy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a Franchise, even the Kings.
They have constrained our Once great General Manager to bear Arms against their Organization, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
They excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and have endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Stupidity, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Family whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the owner of a small-market basketball team.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Douche-bag brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legal team to extend an unwarrantable move to Anaheim, Seattle, or Virginia Beach. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our fandom and experience here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold Los Angeles, Enemies in War, in Peace, Fuck them.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the Basketball community of Sacramento, in Fan-Site, Assembled, appealing to the Commissioner of the NBA for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of Sacramento, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Fans are, and of Right ought to be Free and Happier Fans; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Maloof Ownership, and that all connection between them and the Brother Maloofs, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and People, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Franchises may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Cheers, our Tears and our sacred Honor.