FanPost

The Maloofs Are (Still) F--king Idiots

Note from TZ: As you may be able to ascertain from the title, this post by Mr. Biegler has strong language. Viewer discretion is advised.

As always, for Drew Magary

Honestly calling the Maloofs fucking idiots isn't even really fair anymore. At least not to Kirk Cameron. Nor Keith Olbermann. Nor the rest of the world's other just fucking idiots. The Maloofs were fucking idiots last year. This year? This year I don't even know what you'd call them. Huge fucking idiots? Huuuuge fucking idiots? Huuuuuuuge fucking idiots? I think I could put u to infinity between the h and the g and it still wouldn't do them justice. These guys are so fucking stupid I'm starting to wonder if this is all some sort of performance piece. Like a Cabin in the Woods scenario intended exclusively to torture the city of Sacramento for giving the world Mark S. Allen (I'm just kidding Mark, we all know you're secretly Pookey Guru.)

I keep reading that "undisclosed sources" say the Maloofs still want to move to Anaheim. Is that really that big of a fucking secret? Of course they still want to move to Anaheim. It's the only deal these dipshits can afford. In the same way one can afford drinking water out of a fountain in a public park. If that fountain also happened to spout loans that would plunge you so far into debt you'd be forced to sell your sports franchise to that fountain and get stuck using it as a source of both hydration and bathing. Henry Samueli has effectively spray painted "Free Candy" on the side of a white van and the Maloofs are arguing about whether they're going to get Abba Zabbas or Fun Dip (this argument, in fairness, happens a lot amongst the Maloof brothers). Of course the league won't allow the move, so the Maloofs will sue. And given their business and economic acumen I can only imagine how judicially savvy the Maloofs must be as well. They'll end up with the first capital punishment verdict in an anti-trust case. Hopefully.

And what about Joe and Gavin? They've been conspicuously absent amidst all of this. I suspect some of that is because they've been busy doing other business for the Maloofs. And by other business I mean continuously voting up the flattering definitions of "Maloof" at Urban Dictionary; looking for pictures of themselves on "Is Anyone Up?;" repeatedly, unsuccessfully attempting to friend Jim Crandall's daughter on Facebook; sending "anonymous" tips about themselves to "The Dirty;" and You Tubing their Carl's Jr. commercial while simultaneously masturbating and crying (I would guess that last activity takes up abouthours of a typical day for the two of them. Which is most of it given they wake up at around 2 in the afternoon. Also I stole that joke from Drew Magary. Also also after re-watching that commercial recently I call bullshit. Does anyone really think the Maloofs own a single bottle of wine that isn't boxed?) Anyway beyond attending to other family business I think we haven't seen much of Joe and Gavin because, aside from being fucking idiots, they're fucking pussies. Will they show up for a single game next year? Or are they hoping their tickets will have enough resale value it will help them cover some of their loans to the city of Sacramento and/or offset their annual expenditure on Just for Men products (it won't). Remember the persistent rumor that part of the reason the Kings didn't draft Rubio was that, while at dinner with he and his mother at Aioli, Management watched as Mama Rubio cut Ricky's steak for him? Clearly Joe and Gavin didn't attend that dinner. Had they, they would have drafted Ricky and hired Mama Rubio as their own full time steak cutter.

How fucking stupid are the Maloofs? They could sell this team for significantly more than it's worth. Someone (Ron Burkle) would overpay for the Kings and the Maloofs could make a tidy profit and go back to doing what they do best, hosting skateboard tournaments. But they won't. The problem is that the Maloofs, as their business decisions, clothing and significant others indicate, clearly don't care about money. They care about fame. And the Kings are the only thing, other than the skateboard tournaments obviously, keeping the Maloofs relevant. The Maloofs want to be famous. But not cool famous, not famous in a Wayfarers, Variety, dinner at Dan Tanas, famous for, you know, kind of contributing to the culture, way. They want to be famous in a Reality TV way. And they're losing that. And if they lose the Kings they lose that. Seriously do you know how hard you have to work to lose that kind of celebrity? Barry from Storage Wars is fucking famous. Fuck, I wish Barry from Storage Wars would buy the Kings. Wouldn't that be nice? He'd open a Maloof storage shed and after sorting through the boxes of Affliction t-shirts and empty energy drink cans, Barry'd find our franchise in the back, underneath a bunch of unused condoms. Sure the team wouldn't be in great condition, but I'm sure he's got some guy in Riverside to tell him how much we're worth.

I mean what the fuck is supposed to happen next year? Clearly the cynical answer is that this is all part of the Maloof plan. Alienate the fan-base to the point of irreconcilability and return to the Board of Governors in 2013 with no choice but relocation. But that would require the Maloofs have a plan, and other than farting I don't know that the Maloofs plan for much. Besides that argument presupposes most of us didn't already hate the Maloofs. But how can this not affect the team? What happens when there are more players in attendance at a game than fans? What happens when Here We Stay hosts Laker Fan Appreciation Night next year (I'll be there in my Robert Horry jersey)? That can't be good for the morale of a team with, you know, not exactly the best morale already.

Last year when I wrote this column I was accused by some of being a troll and others an attention whore. I don't deny being an attention whore, but I think it shows how far we've come in the last 13 months that if there will be any criticism to this column this year it will be that it's at best not harsh enough and at worst redundant. And, as always, I'm not hiding who I am. RBiegler isn't some secret trick or Opus Dei reference. I'm pretty easy to find. If any member of Maloof Sports and Entertainment would like to seek me out on behalf of the brothers I would be happy to meet up, piss on your shoes and kick you down a flight of stairs while screaming "This is Sparta!" And afterwards I'll buy you a beer at the Rubicon.

(This is a FanPost from a member of the Sactown Royalty community. The views expressed come from the member, and not Sactown Royalty staff.)

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