In an effort to lighten some of the mood in Kingsville, I wanted to post this completely accurate preview for the next year in the wacky world of Maloofapalooza. While KJ and the City of Sac plan their strategy to keep the team around, perhaps this insight toward the future of the Maloofs and Kings will help them. I have verified that this timeline is accurate. Beware, some of what you are about to read is disturbing and/or long-winded. Lets just say it was a slow work day yeasterday. If anyone has further information, please use this thread to add to the 2013 preview.
April 17, 2013
It’s been a full year since the Maloof-KJ battle exploded in a New York meeting of the NBA’s Board of Governors. It should have been a celebration of the finalization of plans for a sparking new downtown arena. As we all now know, it was the beginning of the tumultuous next twelve months for the Maloofs and the Kings:
After the dramatic Maloof announcement that the deal is ‘off’, Sacramento fans become more and more enraged. The Maloofs attend every home game. While initially seen as a sign of team support, it turns out they were literally bunkered in their luxury suite for the final month of the season with provisions from arena concession stands. Arena employees later found a hidden tunnel that allowed George to run and play in the arena parking lot after hours.
Despite the team’s run on poor luck, the Kings win the NBA draft lottery. In a stroke of bold marketing prowess, Geoff Petrie announces the team plans to use the pick to draft NBA Commissioner David Stern’s great nephew Samuel Stern, a second string guard at Barrack Hebrew Middle School. Anthony Davis celebrates. Grant Napear gushes over the range shown on Stern’s jumper at the Bar Mitzvah/Draft party.
George Maloof is caught on tape by TMZ scratching hundreds of lottery scratchers at a local AM/PM, ranting something about crazy PG&E rates at the arena.
Commissioner Stern is delayed at the podium at the start of the NBA Draft by little-known Maloof, Zeppo. Samuel Stern is no longer the Kings’ selection, and the Kings are on the clock. The brothers had hired a Catholic economist who predicted the Little Stern would be a marketing nightmare and reminded the Maloofs that they already had a white guy on the roster. The Kings’ war room phone rings off the hook with potential deals. Anthony Davis hangs himself inside his family home. The Kings draft John Salmons in hopes the rookie pay scale will override his existing contract. Grant Napear applauds the move since the team was already the youngest team in the NBA and was in desperate need of a veteran presence.
The Maloofs begin their arena revitalization plan by ending the much-maligned deal with Power Balance and entering a new sponsorship deal. Joe Maloof announces that the Band-Aid Arena era officially begins. The brothers expect to do much of the renovation work themselves and wih the help of Home Depot’s weekly Do It Yourself classes. The brothers start by stenciling and faux finishing Section 112.
Geoff Petrie is traded to the Portland Trail Blazers for the rights to Clyde Drexler. The Maloofs are ecstatic about acquiring a hall-of-famer. Petrie begins to interrupt to explain that Drexler is already 50 years old, but decides against it and quickly exits the arena without emptying his office. Petrie was later ticketed by CHP driving north on I-5 at over 100 mph. Clyde Drexler hangs himself in his family home.
New GM Grant Napear announces the team forgot about Summer League play. Napaer insists an email was sent to league offices about the schedule, but the team never heard back .
The seats in the upper level of Band Aid Arena have started to slowly crumble and slide down the upper level. The City of Sacramento refuses to pay the corrective estimate for the repairs. The Maloofs announce that during repairs, the Kings will play the first five home games at Sutter Middle School until Home Depot offers their Arena Reconstruction Class in late November.
To boost their financial situation, Maloof Sports and Entertainment announce new additions to their Fall TV line-up. While the “Kings’ Dance Squad Locker Room Webcam Show” garnered some acclaim, the remainder of the line-up fell flat. “What’s Grillin” featuring Hassan Whiteside’s tour of Stockton and Modesto BBQ joints lasted only three episodes. The channel’s first animated series, “Captain Jimmer and the Bench Mob” was an airball with the local kids. The show centered around a group of hoopsters who fought crime by shooting radioactive basketballs and teaching Mormonism.
The opening game of 2012-2013 season was delayed due to conflicts with the Sutter Middle School girls volleyball tournament. The Kings begin the season with an inspiring blowout of the Einstein Middle School girls volleyball team. Joe, Gavin, and Zeppo celebrate as they push the retractable wooden bleachers back into the wall. George voids the contract with Sutter Middle School when the school refuses to offer the Maloofs chocolate milk on game days, and the school's stubborn resistance to Maloof's naming rights deal. The sign for 'Gold Club Centerfolds Middle School Gym' is removed later that evening.
The Maloofs sell George Maloof to India to cover failed Bollywood investments involving basketball-themed musicals. George insists this was planned months in advance to forward the team’s overseas marketing. Rumors of attempts to sell Jerry Reynolds to Canada are squashed when the canucks insist Slamson be included in the deal. Ironically, Reynolds is later traded to Milwaukee for John Salmons, and Slamson is donated to the SPCA. Bill Walton is asked to be the new team mascot.
With the team in last place in the Pacific Division, GM Napear attempts to trade one of the three roster spaces held by John Salmons. The league informs him there is probably a rule against it, but ultimately allows the move. The Knicks acquire Salmons for Thursday and Sunday games in exchange for funding for George Maloof’s plan to add a second tower to the Taj Mahal.
Five Kings players picket Band-aid Arena when they are paid in Del Taco gift cards and Chuck E Cheese tokens. Jimmer Fredette excitedly cashes his share in for five mustache combs and a whoopee cushion.
The last scheduled Blackout Game is played against the Phoenix Suns. Unlike the previous season, 2013 Blackout games simply involved all arena lights being turned off in the arena during the game. The Kings lose the game 2-0, with Steve Nash calmly nailing both free throws as time expired.
The Maloofs surprise nobody by filing for relocation as the season nears completion. The NBA Relocation Committee is to consider the Maloofs’ bid to move the franchise to one of three locations:
An indoor half-court at an upscale apartment complex in Fresno. The Maloofs are rumored to get free internet from the complex’s business center as well as full access to the pool and hot tub until 10pm.
An upgraded court at Chowchilla State Prison. The Warden has promised sellout attendance, a luxury suite in the tower, and full naming rights for the court and adjacent cell block.
A court on the Crown Princess Cruise Liner. Technically the team’s home court will travel Europe and the Caribbean, exciting Kings fans worldwide. Princess Cruises is offering a lifetime buffet pass for the Maloof family, and will allow George to wear a full captain uniform on game days.