I just wanted to take a moment this morning to offer my heartfelt congratulations to my Los Angeles Laker fan friends and other Los Angeles residents. I know how difficult it must have been to have been out of serious title contention for two years. Moreover I know that living in Los Angeles, with its mercurial weather, lack of diversity, and limited cultural options, only exacerbated the misery of following a team that was just competitive. News of the Dwight Howard trade assures me that, in the near term, your untimely deaths from excessive comfort have been prevented.
If you’re curious, Sacramento’s off-season has also been constructive. If reading Shakespeare’s tragedies in the hopes of finding an inventive way to overthrow current ownership qualifies as constructive. In any case, denizens of Weird-O-Wood, I’m sorry to disturb you, I realize you have a busy day of Honus Wanger baseball card baths and ignoring Audrina Partridge (because you’re selective about which reality TV stars you turn down). Congratulations again.
And Philadelphia, what will Andrew Bynum be like in a Sixers jersey? Like Elton Brand. But hungrier. As in physically hungrier. As in he’s asking right now if you’re finished with that shoofly pie.