"Hi Kings Fans, I'm Troy McClure."


"You might remember me from such franchise relocations as 'Mommy, Why Did Mr. Modell Move Away?' and ' Are You There, God? It's Me, Donald Stirling.' I've been hired by Maloof Sports and Entertainment to be your official tour guide for the ups and downs you'll be going through over the next 6-8 months. Relocation is never an easy thing, but YOU the fans can do your part to make it as easy as possible!

"Now, you might be asking 'Troy, why don't the Maloofs just sell the team? Everyone knows they're broke.' My answer to you is this: Because they don't have to! How many of YOU own a whole two percent stake in a casino? That's what I thought. Ladies and gentlemen, this is America, and in America we can't FORCE anyone to sell anything." :producer walks on stage and whispers into Troy's ear: "Correction. In America we only force people to sell things they can't possibly afford to own to pay off outstanding debt. If there's one thing the Maloof family can be accused of, it's being 100% absolutely DEBT-FREE! :producer walks out on stage and whispers into Troy's ear again: "Never mind. The point is the Maloof family owns the team and nothing short of a car accident killing all of them and their heirs will ever change that. Don't you go getting any ideas, Cowboyron!" :winks at camera:

"Losing a sports team is like dying from a terminal disease. You know it's coming, you have a rough idea of when it's going to happen, but you can't do a darn thing to change the outcome. All you can do is lay back and accept your fate. No one wants to be the guy in the cancer ward bitching and moaning about how unfair life is. You want to be the guy who spends his last few good months going on bike rides, painting pictures and writing poetry before ultimately parking his running car in the garage, closing the door and embracing eternity with a smile! Die with some dignity, damn it! Don't view the death of your sports franchise as an ending. See it for what it is: a chance to do other stuff! Remember all that money you used to spend at {THIS NAME FOR RENT} Arena on tickets and Arena Dogs and Kenny Thomas jerseys? You can now spend that money helping to combat your city's out of control homeless epidemic! You are a GOOD CITIZEN, aren't you?" :leers into camera: "Of course you are! Now do the right thing and give your money away!"

"We live in a country where your marriage has about a coin flip chance of ending in divorce. Why should a business marriage be any different? You're all about equal marriage here in California, right? Divorce is never without its casualties, but Kings fans really need to be the grown up here and not take this so personal. So what if the Maloof family woke up one morning and realized they were married to a pig? Can you really fault them for wanting to do better? Let's be honest here, you've gained weight and you're a dead fish in the sack. You could have prevented all of this but chose not to. The Maloof family is moving out and are probably banging one of your friends. You're just going to have to take this one on the chin, fatty, and deal with it."

"Just to show that there's no hard feelings, the Maloof family has generously decided to convert {THIS NAME FOR RENT} Arena into the world's largest indoor skate park once the 2012/2013 season ends. Nothing but ramps and half pipes as far as the eye can see! You're welcome! Skateboarding is good, clean wholesome fun for the whole family. Why, the Maloof's themselves are HUGE fans of the sport. They don't actually participate in it due to Joe's artificial hip, Gavin's bum knees and George's not being able to be within 500 yards of children thingie. But that doesn't stop them from doing everything they can to spread the sport here and abroad. Basketball is such an AMERICAN sport, so boring and bland. Skateboarding is hip and happening. Sacramento wants to be hip and happening, right? Just remember my motto: You'll never get BORED on a BOARD!"

"And lastly, the Maloof family has gone out of their way in one final act of benevolence to put together a fantastic memory aide to help you find your way through the wacky and wonderful relocation experience. Enjoy!

F- stands for 'Focus your anger elsewhere', such as your idiot mayor who ruined everything.

U- stands for 'Uh oh, this is no one's fault!'

C- stands for 'Crying doesn't change anything, so don't do it!'

K- stands for 'Keep your season tickets, please!'

I- stands for 'It's not me, it's you!' and lastly

T- stands for 'Try a little harder next time, ok?' HAHAHAHAHA, like your city will even HAVE a next time!

"There you have it, when you're finding yourself disillusioned with a concept that must be confusing to your tiny, cow town minds, just do what the Maloof family suggests and say FUCK IT! Until next time, I'm Troy McClure. GOOD NIGHT!" #herewego

(This is a FanPost from a member of the Sactown Royalty community. The views expressed come from the member, and not Sactown Royalty staff.)

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