AN ACT relating to a drinking game to be played during Sacramento Kings telecasts featuring Grant Napear and Jerry Reynolds; provides a mission and purpose of the game to encourage the health and safety of participants, to promote happiness and camaraderie among the Sacramento Kings fanbase and to appreciate and celebrate Grant and Jerry; establishes rules for the drinking game.
WHEREAS, being a fan of a hapless sports team can be very difficult; and
WHEREAS, many fans of hapless sports teams cope with the futility of their team by drinking alone; and
WHEREAS, drinking alone as a response to bad team play is potentially hazardous to Sacramento Kings fans; and
WHEREAS, the Sacramento Kings telecast team of Grant Napear and Jerry Reynolds are among the best telecast teams in the NBA; and
WHEREAS, Grant and Jerry are among the last surviving vestiges of the Kings heyday of the championship-caliber playoff-perennial era; and
WHEREAS, among those few vestiges, Grant and Jerry are among a select few who are still consistently achieving outstanding levels of performance in their official capacity; and
WHEREAS, Grant and Jerry outclass other local NBA telecast teams and several national NBA telecast teams in regards to reading and comprehension of scouting reports, pronunciation of names of players, describing live play action, and especially satisfying interest of hometown fans without losing credibility or objectivity; and
WHEREAS, Grant and Jerry are a very entertaining broadcast duo with a unique yin-and-yang-like synergy of disparate personalities such as high-strung New Yorker and folksy, fun-loving rural Midwesterner; and
WHEREAS, Grant is a perfect foil or "straight-man" to set up Jerry's humor, thereby making them an effective comedy duo; and
WHEREAS, Grant and Jerry have succeeded in making their telecasts watchable even when the team is performing at their worst; and
WHEREAS, drinking for celebration and enjoyment among friends is less potentially hazardous than drinking alone in response to negative stimuli; and
WHEREAS, drinking with friends in celebration potentially promotes happiness, promotes health and vigor through endorphin release, and promotes camaraderie and unity,
NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED THAT, Sacramento Kings fans may partake in a group tradition, a drinking game in appreciation and celebration of the outstanding telecast team of Grant Napear and Jerry Reynolds; and
BE IT RESOLVED FURTHER THAT, this drinking game shall abide by rules, and those rules shall be set forth in the following sections.
SECTION 1. General rules of the drinking game.
(A) There shall be no "front-loading" or drinking before the beginning of a Sacramento Kings telecast.
(B) The game shall be played with beer or ale not to exceed:
(1) 6.6% alcohol by volume (ABV) during games preceding a workday or schoolday for the participant;
(2) 10% ABV during games preceding the participant's day off.
(C) Pursuant to definitions in subsection (D), participants shall drink one (1) swig of beer or ale for each utterance of any officially recognized single-swig-worthy regular expression described in Section by Grant and/or Jerry and/or guest announcer or interviewee; participants shall drink two (2) swigs of beer or ale for each utterance of any officially recognized double-swig-worthy regular expression described in Section by Grant and/or Jerry and/or guest announcer or interviewee.
(1) "Single swig" is a normal swallow of approximately 2 to 2.5 ounces of beer or ale.
(2) "Double swig" or one “gulp” requires partial cheek filling (but not full-on Dizzy Gillespie cheek expansion) resulting in a swallow of 4-5 ounces.
(D) The game shall not begin until players take the court immediately before tip-off or after the second commercial break of the pregame telecast, whichever is earlier.
SECTION 2. Regular expressions.
(A) Single swig-worthy expressions.
(1) Take one swig if Jerry Reynolds says any of the following:
(a) "Combobulate" or any theoretical variant thereof such as, but not limited to:
(ii) "recombobulate", or
(a.5) Do not take a swig for any variant of "discombobulate", for this word is actually in the English dictionary.
(b) "Hustlin’ Husky".
(c) "Jimmer shimmer".
(e) "Bayou Bomber".
(f) "Li'l Buckets".
(g) Any Indianan dialectic expressions such as, but not limited to:
(iii) "madder than a rained-on rooster", or
(iv) "show him where the cows ate the cabbage".
(h) "wham" or "wham-bam" or any variant thereof as a transitive verb.
(i) "hippity-hop to the barber shop".
(j) Any old pet nickname for an ex-King player in audience or on opponent's team, coaching staff, or broadcast crew, such as "Tasmanian Slovenian" for Beno Udrih, but not "The Rock" for Mitch Richmond because that was not popularized by Grant or Jerry.
(2) Take one swig if Grant Napear says any of the following:
(a) "Oh boy!",
(b) "Look out below!",
(c) “We’ve got a dandy here!” or “____ is a dandy!”,
(d) "Put it in the books, and send him to the line!",
(e) “Turn the sprinkler system on, _____ is on fire!” (note singular form of “sprinkler”), or
(f) Abandons verbs and shouts names of whoever’s touching the ball.
(B) Double-swig-worthy expressions.
(1) Take two swigs if Jerry says any of the following "so good [he/they] make[s] me wanna spit up".
(2) Take two swigs if Grant says any of the following:
(a) "If you don’t like that, you don’t like [NBA/Kings] basketball!", or
(b) “Turn the sprinkler systems on, _____ is on FIRE!” (note plural form of “sprinkler”).
(C) Single-swig-worthy topics,
(1) Take one swig if Grant and Jerry discuss any of the following topics:
(a) Bob MacAdoo,
(b) Lawler's Law,
(c) Foots Walker,
(d) Hot Rod Hundley,
(e) This drinking game,
(f) Jerry’s daily walk,
(g) French Lick, Indiana,
(h) Vincennes Junior College,
(i) Jerry’s wife picking his clothes out,
(j) Jerry's recruiting trips to lesser-known/minor colleges,
(k) Somebody’s physique in a way that sounds vaguely homoerotic (make it a double if they’re talking about a referee), or
(l) The effectiveness of Patrick Patterson's rebounding as if to bust a myth.
(D) Take two swigs if, during an interview with Bobby Jackson, Bobby says “mos’ definitely” or “it’s gonna be a dogfight”. For each subsequent utterance of either expression within the same interview, take one additional swig per utterance.
SECTION 3. Amendments to these rules shall be approved by its creator with care and concern for safety of participants and the integrity of its mission and purpose to promote happiness and camaraderie among the Sacramento Kings fanbase and to appreciate and celebrate Grant and Jerry.
(This is a FanPost from a member of the Sactown Royalty community. The views expressed come from the member, and not Sactown Royalty staff.)