Court Jester #5: Who Is Pizza Guy?

Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

We have heard the rumors. We have seen the signal. We have heard the rumors. But what kind of guy is this Pizza Guy? We separate the truth from the rumor in the sage of our favorite superhero, and even tackle the rumors of a new sidekick.

By now, we have all heard the legends, but know nothing about him. For three years, he has stealthily traipsed through the streets of Sacramento keeping crime at bay.  While many have claimed to have seen him, others claim he does not even exist. There are many different opinions of who he is. A vigilante. A criminal. A hero. A villain. The one thing we know for sure, is that he is a Pizza Guy.


Pizza Guy is the latest in a long line of rumored superheroes that have helped protect the city for many years. Following in the footsteps of those before him, from the Smoking Douby, to The Greene Hornet, the Slammin Salmon, all the way  to Greg Ostertag (the only superhero of the bunch to make no attempt in hiding his variety, choosing instead to sport a simple purple speedo). There are many urban legends about the origins of this mysterious masked man. Some say he was bitten by a radioactive delivery man. Others say he fell into a vat of marinara sauce. Some even say that he is from another planet, and came here many years ago. One of the more far out theories is that he is none other than Isaiah Thomas, the starting point guard for the Sacramento Kings.


"Yeah, I heard that one," an  inexplicably caped Isaiah Thomas said. "I’m a basketball player, that is that. Maybe this ‘Pizza Guy’ doesn’t want people to know who he is! What kind of stupid question is that?"


We wanted to ask him more questions about these ridiculous accusations, but as the second question started, he got a page (yes, a page), and seemingly flew out of sight. We couldn’t blame him, he’s got bigger things to worry about, like his impending free agency.


Sightings of Pizza Guy started three years ago, when he started fighting off criminals like the Maloof Cartel, S.T.O.P. (Sinister Thugs Opposing Progress), and the Hansenator with a practical swiss army knife of super powers. From heat vision, where he can cook his enemies to desired doneness, be it original or extra crispy, to his Mozzerella web, which lets him swing seemlessly around the city, to his proficiency with a large staff he calls the breadstick, Pizza Guy is sure to give his enemies a large slice of justice, with an extra side of pain. While the police did not appreciate someone doing their job, Mayor Kevin Johnson embraced him, even going as far as installing a "Pizza Signal" on top of City Hall.


"Pizza Guy is a local hero. He shows the heart and strive that it takes to be a true Sacramentan. As far as I am concerned, the Pizza Guy always delivers the goods."


That is the Pizza Guy’s mantra. When crime rears it’s ugly head, he promises that justice will be there in 30 minute or less, or the criminal runs free. A criminal is yet to run free.


Recently, a sidekick has been spotted tailing Pizza Guy. Kid Outlaw, a cowboy themed vigilante that is noted for his ridiculous skill, and witty one liners, has been helping Pizza Guy clean up the streets. Witnesses have claimed that Kid Outlaw has insane accuracy with his throwing stars, is proficient with nunchucks, and light on his feet. Some are speculating that he is not so much a sidekick, as a replacement, as some believe that Pizza Guy could be headed out of town. We were able to catch up with him for one quick comment on these rumors.


"You know, being a free agent, er, being a hero, sometimes other teams, I mean cities, need your help. We shall see, I hope I can stay here in Sac. They were kind enough to draft, I mean birth me. Time will tell."

Until then, one can only wonder what the future lies for Sacramento’s favorite superhero. Hopefully, Pizza Guy is here to deliver justice for many years to come.

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