NOW HIRING

Position: Team Mentor

Company: Maloof Sports & Entertainment
Status: Full-Time
Location: North Natomas, Calif.

Qualifications:

• Four-year degree in crisis management or child psychology.
  
• 5 to 10 years experience working with grown men who intermittently act like puppies and toddlers.
  
• Track record of survival in hostile situations, i.e. war-torn regions, Wall Street in 2001, or Detroit.
  
• Willingness to travel to exotic locations including Oklahoma City, San Antonio, and Oakland.
  
• Life insurance, or no immediate family which depends on your earnings.
  
• A sadomasochist streak.

• Act as a 'big brother' to spoiled 20something millionaires.
  
• Institute and enforce a team curfew of 4 am.
  
• Remind players to feed their dog.
  
• Change $100 bills into singles in order to make it rain.
  
• Call for cabs for any drunk personnel.
  
• Block uppercuts or body blows intended for head coach.
  
• Punch asshat columnists in the face.
  
• Occasionally suit up so that Vitaly Potapenko doesn't have to enter the game.
  
• Counsel players on why they shouldn't punch their wives or girlfriends.
  
• Maintain a list of bars certain players' posses are banned from in order to avoid police presence.
  
• Do a funny dance with Slamson the creepy lion mascot for Jumbotron display during home games.
  
• Collect first-born children from fans at the parking lot entrance.
  
• Sell season-ticket packages for the Monarchs.

• Competitive salary commensurate to experience.
  
• Full benefits package, including 10 sick days and two weeks vacation annually. (Note: Due to company policy, sick days may not be used in the event your back hurts from driving your wife's luxury coupe.)
  
• Courtside seat to every Kings game (between the security guard and the Gatorade boy).
  
• No-expense medical care, courtesy of Pete Youngman.
  
• Free use of team practice facility. (It's usually empty.)
  
• Endorsement deal with a local hair removal salon.