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Sactown Royalty Exclusive: A Fake Interview with KHTK's Tim Montemayor

Well, crap. I was working on an interview with Tim Montemayor, the host of KHTK's "Monty Til Midnight" show.

Somewhere in the process, Monty decided to further his career and get a job with the flagship station of the St. Louis Cardinals, which really effed up my plans.

I already had my questions ready, so you know what? I'm posting them, along with the answers I'm sure Monty would have given, had he been around to actually answer them himself.

Here goes nothing:

SR: J. Freedom du Lac called you "stentorious" in April. Did you have to look it up? Because I did.

TM: F*ck J. Freedom du Lac. He's a hack. Everyone knows that.

SR: Sacramento fans are often belligerent, loud and combustible, especially when it comes to the Kings. Do you think that has helped your show fit in better? Is it just natural to respond loudly when your callers are also loud?

TM: I think it helps because uh.. (diverts attention to TV in the studio showing the Orlando-Washington game) ..oh wow. That Dwight Howard, man. That guy is a player. What a player. Oh man, he is a freak of nature. Oh wow. Um, what was the question?

SR: Nevermind. I've often doubted the future of screaming sports radio a la JT The Brick. I'm obviously stupid. Why is emotional, crass, rash, loud talk radio so much more viable than sane, rational talk radio? Is it because sports, like politics, is so divisive and opinion-driven? Obviously, you and similar hosts are doing something right.

TM: Well, callers just say things to piss me off. I actually try to have a normal radio show, but they're idiots. They don't understand sports, they don't understand how the media works. They're just stupid. It pisses me off. Can I curse on the internet?

SR: Uh, yeah. You already did actually.

TM: F*ck callers. They don't know sh*t.

SR: Speaking of, um, that, how are the ratings? Do you pay attention to that stuff more than you have to? I know that I'm fascinated by my trickle of daily visitors. Are you beating the Rush Limbaugh replays on NewsTalk 1530?

TM: Oh wow, Gilbert Arenas is amazing. Look at that play. Oh wow. The Warriors, man, those guys are stupid for not keeping that guy. So f*cking stupid. Oh wow, he just blew by Jamal Nelson. Wow.

SR: I think it's Jameer.

TM: Whatever. Like I care.

SR: How much easier is your show during basketball season?

TM: It doesn't really matter. I know a lot about baseball. I guess it's better because you get people calling on their way home from the games, you know. A lot of them are drunk, they don't know what the hell they're doing.

SR: In the wake of the Larry Krueger silliness in Ess Eff, do you check your comments more often? In the middle of a tirade, does your brain ever tell you to stop? Are you concerned offending a Kings coach or player could end your Sacramento career, given the relationship (financial and otherwise) between the station and the organization?

TM: No. Not at all. I say what I want when I want without any fear from anyone. I'm not a p*ssy like other people at this station. Next question.

SR: Who's the best "guy" on the Kings, present or gone? What about at KHTK... Koz has a total sailor-mouth away from the mics, doesn't he?

TM: No offense to him, but I think Koz holds the station back. He's too cutesy, people don't want that in sports talk radio. They want someone with balls, someone like me.

SR: If you feel like it, who's the biggest jerk, present or gone, on the team?

TM: Chris Webber is a jerk. What a prick.

SR: Webber-writing-"Tim, watch your back"-on-a-basketball story is famous (for Sacramento). What was your initial reaction? Happy? Humored? Honored? Scared? Would you be more afraid if Mike Bibby or a member of Team Dime did it?

TM: Pissed off. I was going to kick his ass, actually, but he has bodyguards and sh*t. I'm not afraid of Mike Bibby either. I'm his height, you know?

SR: Speaking of MB10 - this whole brawl saga... is Graswich just being a dope, or is there really a story in there about the thuggery of Team Dime? You know the guys involved; is it just an ego thing?

TM: The whole thing is stupid. I've seen Graswich at on the town before, he's a thug too. Picking up co-eds with his Hawaiian shirts and sh*t. Hypocrite.

SR: A question I feel tells you a lot about a person: What's your dream job? National syndication? A TV gig? A Grant-Napear-like existence?

TM: This is my dream job. I'll never leave it. SR: Well, that's it. Thanks for your time, Monty. TM: Whatever.

There you have it, my best impersonation of Tim Montemayor.

In all seriousness, we wish him all the luck in the world in St. Louis. We do also, however, hope the Cardinals suck greatly this season - not only for our selfish Orange-and-Blackish reasons, but so greater Missouri can feel Monty's wrath.

Go get 'em, angry man. Go get 'em.