I try to keep up with current events. After all, I am a journalist by day.
With that said, I present the following: The Supreme Court of the National Basketball Association. I envision it as an educational device for judicial clerks who want to learn about the NBA and basketball players who want to learn about the Supreme Court.
Justice Samuel Alito/Jeff Van Gundy
- When he broke onto the scene, it signified the end of the free world as we know it. Has success through very, very boring methods. Listening to him is a war of attrition. Can turn biggest adversaries' (Sen. Russ Feingold, Tracy McGrady) brains to mush. Doesn't want Americans to have a good time. Ever. Somewhat resembles a pedophile.
Justice Antonin Scalia/Larry Brown
- Everything that's wrong with America. Has strong relationships with the leaders in his field, though most of those leaders secretly hate him. Vacations with people he probably shouldn't be vacationing with. Beloved by some, absolutely hated by others. The haters are usually those closest to him.Impossible not to have an opinion on him. Unusual ability to tan well.
Justice Clarence Thomas/Nate McMillan
- Should be liberal, just looking at the surface. African-American, former player (or 'playa,' in Thomas's case). Loves the ladies. But under it all, both adhere strictly to the word of the law (except when it benefits them not to). Both viciously attack sexual predators, though they've both associated with sexual predators before (Nate McMillan:Shawn Kemp::Clarence Thomas:Clarence Thomas). Both associated with colleagues with the surname "Hill."
Justice Stephen Breyer/Rick Adelman
- West Coast bred, and has the laid-back attitude to prove it. Very prgamatic in his approach, emphasizing the system/law as the backbone of all possible solutions. Not afraid to take on a challenge. Sentiment of pure individual freedom overwrites all, though. Mostly invisible to the world at large.
Justice John Paul Stevens/George Karl
- Highly idiosyncratic. Seems to exude traditional values, especially when it comes to the philosophy of the job. But secretly crazy. Carries a pen and a pad everywhere, just in case inspiration strikes and a verbose opinion/innovative playset zips through his mind. Adversaries threaten to exact revenge, whether through poisoning or fines. Also, likes to wear sweatsuits to work sometimes.
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg/Phil Jackson
- Crazy ass hippie. Religious minority in his/her profession. Former pothead. Reader of poetry, new age literature. Will do anything for some publicity. Quite homely.
Chief Justice John Roberts/Pat Riley
- Ascended the ranks quickly. Flashy smile, used to woo colleagues. Secretly domineering and perhaps unethical in his overbearing nature. Probably a good poker player. Will not disappoint his mentors, though will backstab his proteges. Handsome, in a Lifetime Channel sort of way.
Justice David Souter/Flip Saunders
- Strong guardian of historical roots. Early adopter of eventually popular opinions/defensive schemes. Enjoys mountain-climbing in New Hampshire when not working. Noted for bringing freedom to the world after a particularly tyrannical stretch. Frequently mispronounced last name, despite its apparent simplicity.
Justice Anthony Kennedy/Gregg Popovich
- Completely by-the-book. Never wild or crazy or even innovative. Constantly does things his way, also known as "the boring way." Sometimes met by scorn for looking to Europe for the answer. Typically successful, though highly anonymous. Partaker of copious amounts of wine.