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Shellacking: An Original Screenplay

For some stupid reason, I decided to do a running diary of the Sunday night game against the Pacers. Enjoy. (The nod, of course, to the father of running diaries, Bill Simmons.)

6:04 p.m. - Uh oh. They used "Tonight, Tonight" by The Smashing Pumpkins in the opening montage. Must be a big game.

6:07 - So I got two of the five Indiana starters, but ALL of the Kings. Yeah, sucka.

6:08 - When Peja refers to Brian Skinner and Kenny Thomas as "the big guys," I get angry.

6:10 - Why not use Kevin Martin on jump balls? I guarantee he can get higher than Bee-rad.

6:13 - Mike Bibby to Kenny Thomas: "You don't want me to get any assists, do you?"

6:16 - It's a Peja-Croshere shoot-out!

6:17 - When you have a 6'9 power forward, these are the things that happen.

6:20 - The guy in the Carl's Jr. milkshake commercial is uncomforting in his enthusiasm.

6:21 - That's why no one wants Austin Croshere's contract! Nice free throw routine, Sally.

6:24 - Someone replaced our Peja with an imposter. Offensive rebound and a made layup? Too obvious.

6:31 - For all the talk about the Pacers being the slow-it-down, defensive squad, it looks like the Kings are the ones keeping this game at molasses speed.

6:33 - Bleh. End of the first. 25-20.

6:35 - The Eye Street Bridge really is the only thing you can show on TV to represent Sacramento, isn't it? Unless you got stock footage of crazy-ass drivers, urbanite rednecks or dead beavers.

6:37 - Master Lobo to student Lobo: You suck.

6:38 - Brian Skinner alert! Brian Skinner alert!

6:40 - My trivia answer: Reggie Miller (token Pacer), Karl Malone, John Stockton? Bill Russell is probably somewhere in there, though.

6:43 - I think Jason Hart was upset no one else ran back on that Pacers fast break. That's how you can tell he hasn't been on the Kings for too long. He'll get used to it, just like we have.

6:49 - A rebounding margin of 25-12 means nothing, Grant. Nothing. You can calculate shooting percentage easy enough; rebounding percentage ain't much harder. Defensive rebounds divided by the sum of defensive rebounds and opponent offensive rebounds. Not difficult, right? That will prove how crappy the Kings are rebounding on both ends.

6:52 - On cue: Francisco Garcia - rebounding machine.

6:55 - Nice exchange. Jerry: "Right now the Kings have to find something they can do consistently." Brad: "Let's pass the ball inside to Peja for a layup! Wheee! What? Oh crap?"

6:57 - Fred Jones alert! Fred Jones alert! Crap.

6:58 - My NBA trivia skills are lacking. Oh wait, it's perfect. Oh yes.

7:01 - Ronnie Price alert! Ronnie Price alert! (Oh yes.)

7:02 - I bet Peja has a higher three-point shooting percentage than his lay-up shooting percentage. I'm looking into this.

7:04 - Peja (and we really don't mean to pick on him) has reached Webber Status as far as dribbling goes. In that I fear for my life every time he dribbles. Because he sucks at it.

7:05 - What a crappy half of basketball. Bad defense, bad offense, bad rebounding, bad crowd energy. We didn't even get to hear Grant or Jerry butcher Sarunas Jasikevicius' name. WTF.

7:20 - Every time there's a stinker like this, you have to wonder if it's Adelman's last game. Just saying.

7:23 - A 40-point loss isn't out of the realm of possibilities.

7:24 - Mike, just stop shooting. You don't have it tonight. Be a point guard.

7:25 - Seeing Austin Croshere go to the lockerroom with a busted lip, I can only imagine that Bonzi Wells is muttering "Bitch" under his breath.

7:28 - UGLY. So ugly. Stephen Jackson is playing against a JV team. Also, he's openly taunting the city of Sacramento. Someone get a crowbar.

7:32 - I'm not sure why Rick Adelman deserves so much credit from the broadcasting crew for replacing three of his starters halfway through the third when they are down by 33. If he didn't make a change, someone would've had to check for a pulse.

7:35 - Corliss Williamson can't be too thrilled that he can't get off the pine tonight. He's not a good match-up, true. But damn.

7:38 - Oh, whoops. Thanks Grant. Corliss is away from the team for personal reasons. Sorry, Rick.

7:39 - By the way, what the hell did I do to deserve this? I finally decide to do a running diary and I get this game? Life is unfair. I think I'm going to start fast-forwarding.

7:42 - Scot Freaking Pollard. Played college ball at Kansas and pro ball in Sacramento and Indiana. How did he get so Berkeley? Must've hung out in Midtown.

7:45 - The margin was worse in the second quarter, but the third was possibly worst period I've seen since (insert Rosie O'Donnell joke here). Damn.

7:50 - Jamal Sampson alert! Oh forget it.

7:51 - Holy god of holy gods. Nice shot clock violation, fellas.

7:52 - Shouldn't these fans at least get their parking fee back? Holy hell.

7:55 - I'm watching the rest of the game on one fast-forward arrow. Nothing you can say will stop me. (And yes, I should've done this starting at halftime.)

7:56 - For the record, I would never hand a member of Team Dime a giant pair of scissors.

8:03 - Can they score 70? They've got about 5 minutes to make one more shot.

8:07 - The answer is yes! Yay Brian Skinner!

8:08 - David Harrison: You, my friend, are an idiot.

8:12 - "I'm Jamal Sampson, bitch!"

8:14 - Two fast break buckets? WTF is this?

8:15 - Another technical? These guys know its a 26-point game, right?

8:17 - Mercy, sweet mercy. I will not be doing this again for a very long time. Oh Lord.