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2006-07 Sacramento Kings Preview: Gloomy Gus Version

A sample of postcards sent from Sacramento center Vitaly Potapenko to his mother in the Ukraine during the 2006-07 NBA season, translated to English via Babelfish.1

July 15:

Hello mother.

We have new coach. It is said to be average one. I hope it does not make me to break into a run. I hate to break into a run.

I am gracious for recipe of borshch. My new bride does not make it as I love you to make it, but is renowned none the less.

With the love,


October 10:

Good day again mother.

Frightened to have a boat of terrible news for you. My new coach not will be never the fan of I. He is average in proportion to that they said he is. He made me to break into a run on the first day of practice. I cannot break into a run very well, you must recall in proportion to. So coach said to me for not to play in any games as long as for not to break into a run more rapidly.

Things they do not look good. If you please send money.

With the love,


November 8:

It will be me again mother, Vitaly.

Things bleak. Angry coach drank the drive, which not good in America. To adapt inside with my comrades, I made a joke about the case. Coach, he did not think was funny. He threw axe to me. It was lucky, not damaged or not decapitated was I.

Yesterday, there was vote and people of Sacramento said not keen to idea of Maloofs. (They are my owners.) Maloofs were angry with Sacramento; therefore they declared we would be immediately moved to Yukon Territory because town of Whitehorse, now it will build new arena for the Kings.

I will be only person of happiness about this development. I am alive for the snow and let us find it in Whitehorse.

Happy times forward if my participant Ron Artest stops to extend gun on me in jest. Sometimes of him, I am afraid.

Good bye.

With the love,

January 20:

Greetings from Yukon Territory, mother.

I am displeased I did not write to you for many days. You forgive me, if you please.

Things dire. Brad Miller was attacked by wild turkey in adventure of hunting; therefore I play much basketball for first time in many years.

Also, Ron Artest extended gun on the writer from blog after game and removed the person's life from him. It was the tragic. Ron is located now in the prison, for a good society.

Also, I obtain divorce. My new bride loves not Yukon, she greatly prefers beach or club. She cannot make cash much in Yukon. It is too cold in order to displace clothing.

Conversation back to you soon.

With the love,

March 8:

Hello mother.

This will be last straw. Leader Musselman yelled on me before, it was with by people of age today and I left group. He thinks for I does not work strongly sufficiently for the group and he said thus. Not one person but I or my creator disparage I in this method! Too old for this am I.

I come home to Kiev immediately. I am to be there before this postcard.

From so many players in the prison and with the amputated feet, the leader asked that Jason Hart, small of man and the terrible player, plays as center. Things become very bleak for the Yukon Territory Kings.

See you soon.

With the love,

March 9:

Mother, there was a change in the plans.

Musselman was arrested for broken nose of the umpire and not will he be boss of me or any more men. Jerry Reynolds, old person and small of skill in the basketball, will be new commander. He said to me I am being mountain of man and muscle and I am located back in the group. I will play much and not will I be yelled on no longer.

Also, they were educated that lost on hike to practice facility and not there will be Jason Hart, man of small and the terrible player. No longer is he harbinger of mediocrity in the uniform of Yukon Territory Kings.

I will see you in the summer.

With the love,

April 20:

It is final, the campaign of horror ended.

We lost the final 30 games of season of basketball and become free to leave Yukon for all of time. Yes, we were laughingstock in the world throughout. But I is glad to be over. I come to Kiev immediately, and not will I never return to the basketball either America or Canada.

I think I can now obtain into the political arena. Must be work less than motion in the wooden field each day.

Kings, there will also be no more. After dire months, David Stern revoked franchise from Maloofs; had them murdered as Stalin made dead Uncle Viktor. Oh well.

If you please, make borshch. I will be hungry after arrival.

With the love,

1 No, Babelfish does not employ Ukrainian translation. If it did, it would not likely turn out better results than did the actual tool used.