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A Prognosis of the Sacramento Kings in 93 Answers

After a final, last-minute panic attack that my 4,000-word preview actually offers zero insight, here are my estimates of the answers for the 93 questions posed in my useless, factless preview.


  1. Yes. Mike Bibby is quick healer. He told me so.
  2. n/a
  3. Yes, I think this year is his turn. Steve Nash and Kobe Bryant are the starting guards. Ray Allen and Mike Bibby off the bench. Sorry, Chris Paul: your team won't be good enough.
  4. Before. The game is on Sunday. That leaves Friday and Saturday to get arrested. Plenty of time.
  5. The Palms, of course.
  6. I think he'll get a reduced sentence from the court system, but might get a one-game suspension from the league office.
  7. Scott Brooks will take the reigns in this game, win, and probably interview for a head coach job next summer. He's the Kings assistant most ready for a top job since Byron Scott.
  8. No.
  9. No. Ben Wallace + an already terrific defensive team means easy pick.
  10. He will do mean things to the inflatable Ben Wallace. It will be great.
  11. Yes. The shooting might dampen from last season, but 16 points is about right. Maybe 17.
  12. No. A tickler would like rather silly. Perhaps some mildly outlandish facial hair will occur.
  13. Yes. Hopefully he's not so great that he commands extraordinary dollars next summer, when he's up for an extension.
  14. Bite his thumb. Slightly manlier.
  15. No. The preseason favorites almost never win this award, and Martin and Darko Milicic seem to be the preseason favorites.
  16. Absolutely.
  17. No.
  18. n/a
  19. I hope so.
  20. No.
  21. No.
  22. n/a
  23. I think Miller will have a new headband by Thanksgiving.
  24. Yes. If there's a God, yes.
  25. Typical Supercuts haircut.
  26. No.
  27. Yes.
  28. No. Pieces maybe, but not the whole thing.
  29. No, because the Kings will probably not win the championship.
  30. n/a
  31. No.
  32. n/a, unfortunately.
  33. No.
  34. No, unfortunately.
  35. Yes.
  36. Francisco Garcia. THE BRONX!
  37. Yes.
  38. Absolutely.
  39. Yes.
  40. Shock. Vitaly is a new man. The permanent ring of lard around his heart has melted and been sweat out thanks to numerous rounds of Eric Musselman suicides.
  41. Yes. Buy stock in Ukrainian flags.
  42. Are you kidding me?
  43. Are you kidding me?
  44. Infinitely more entertaining.
  45. Yes, the Capitol City will rejoice. We are an excitable bunch. We rejoice over the little things.
  46. Less spectacular accomplishment.
  47. Absolutely.
  48. All of the above, God-willing. Definitely Ginobili, though.
  49. Yes.
  50. Do you consider Kenny Thomas talented?
  51. Yes.
  52. Perhaps a decent draft pick.
  53. Yes.
  54. No.
  55. n/a
  56. No.
  57. n/a
  58. Practice.
  59. Neither. Eric Musselman will laugh while slaughtering Ronnie Price with an axe.
  60. No.
  61. n/a
  62. Undetermined point in the future.
  63. n/a
  64. n/a
  65. No, unless Steve Wynn names his next Vegas casino "Yukon Territory." Which would be awesome.
  66. n/a
  67. (Botched. You dumbass.)
  68. Absolutely. Vengeance is arrived.
  69. No, unfortunately.
  70. (Yes, and yes.)
  71. (Yes, something else caused you to navigate away from this sad heap of html.)
  72. Yes, possibly this week.
  73. Early enough to make a difference.
  74. He will rebound and play well. Wild boar will have to wait.
  75. Yes, and yes.
  76. Yes. He is the offensive weapon.
  77. No, unfortunately.
  78. 36.
  79. No. Possibly 7.
  80. No, not this season.
  81. n/a
  82. Worthwile asset this season, possibly overpaid in future seasons.
  83. Poor.
  84. Salmons.
  85. No.
  86. Absolutely.
  87. Six. (Three from Houston, two from San Antonio, one from Dallas.)
  88. Yes.
  89. One of the Los Angeles teams.
  90. No.
  91. No. Somewhere between 10 and 15.
  92. Yes. Seven or eight.
  93. Yes.