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A Letter to my Friends in Oregon

Dear Portland,

Thank you. My favorite team, the Sacramento Kings, really needed a win last night. Had they lost, it would have been chaos in the Capital City. Really, it would have been a Unabomber level disaster if the Kings couldn't beat the Blazers. So we appreciate y'all laying down and letting B. Miller and M. Bibby and especially S. Abdur-Rahim do whatever they wanted.

Please talk to your friends in Oakland, Calif. We could use their assistance as well.