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Martyrs All

By Tom Ziller

In a twist of ultimate "what-the-f*ckness," coaches are apparently lining up to coach King Ron-Ron and his Royal Court:

While Kings co-owner Joe Maloof said the hunt for a new coach is in its infancy stages, a list of candidates is practically compiling itself. Joe Maloof said he has received "double digit" calls from representatives of potential coaches, while his brother, Gavin, has received plenty of his own.

Double digit? DOUBLE DIGIT? There are more than 10 head coaches/head coach candidates out there trying to get this gig, coaching Ron Artest and Mike Bibby? These coaches realize this team just ran out a guy who went to the playoffs eight straight seasons, right?

A speculative list:

  • John Whisenant. Blood will flow in the streets of Natomas if this actually happens.
  • Terry Porter. According to Lance from BlazersEdge, the ownership bid for the Portland franchise is dead.
  • Eddie Jordan. Though the Washington Post is reporting that there hasn't been any calls made to the Wizards. That doesn't stop Jordan's agent from calling, though.
  • P.J. Carlesimo. This dude wants this job bad. Apparently, he's gotten past his nightmares of Spree.
  • Don Nelson. Marc Stein went ahead and called the Maloofs for him.
  • Stan Van Gundy. The Hedgehog knows he can contend with this roster.
  • Eric Musselman. He wants a top job badly. Can't blame him.
  • Jeff Bzdelik. This guy just wants a job. Period.
  • Mark Iavaroni. My darkhorse, though no one has mentioned him yet. People forget that he almost got the Portland job last season before Nate McMillan broke off talks with Seattle. Mark Iavaroni should not be slept on!
Who the hell else is trying to get this gig? Reggie Theus can't possibly be trying - he just got started at New Mexico State. I really don't think Hubie Brown wants to coach again, especially with the prospect of Bonzi and Ron-Ron together. Artest's old buddy Mike Jarvis isn't looking, is he? Sac State's Jerome Jenkins? Michael Cooper? Byron Scott? I'm confounded!

I like that so many coaches have faith in our roster. I'm worried that there isn't a guy or two that the Maloofs and Petrie are actively seeking out.

Until we get a clearer picture, my preferences:

I would be ecstatic if the new head coach is...

  1. Mark Iavaroni
  2. Stan Van Gundy
  3. Ron Artest
I would be pleased if the new head coach is...
  1. Terry Porter
  2. Byron Scott
I would shrug if the new head coach is...
  1. Eddie Jordan
  2. Roger Lodge
I would be rather worried if the new head coach is...
  1. Hubie Brown
  2. Eric Musselman
  3. Jeff Bzdelik
  4. Pretty much anyone else not mentioned elsewhere on these lists
I would be homicidal if the new head coach is...
  1. Don Nelson
  2. P.J. Carlesimo
  3. A college coach not named Roy Williams
I would go on a murderous rampage, possibly taking out several innocent bystanders, if the new head coach is...
  1. John Whisenant
  2. Grant Napear
So now you know my biases.

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