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Help Wanted: Kings Seek Team Mentor

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NOW HIRING

Position: Team Mentor

Company: Maloof Sports & Entertainment
Status: Full-Time
Location: North Natomas, Calif.

Qualifications:

  • Four-year degree in crisis management or child psychology.
  • 5 to 10 years experience working with grown men who intermittently act like puppies and toddlers.
  • Track record of survival in hostile situations, i.e. war-torn regions, Wall Street in 2001, or Detroit.
  • Willingness to travel to exotic locations including Oklahoma City, San Antonio, and Oakland.
  • Life insurance, or no immediate family which depends on your earnings.
  • A sadomasochist streak.
Job Duties:
  • Act as a 'big brother' to spoiled 20something millionaires.
  • Institute and enforce a team curfew of 4 am.
  • Remind players to feed their dog.
  • Change $100 bills into singles in order to make it rain.
  • Call for cabs for any drunk personnel.
  • Block uppercuts or body blows intended for head coach.
  • Punch asshat columnists in the face.
  • Occasionally suit up so that Vitaly Potapenko doesn't have to enter the game.
  • Counsel players on why they shouldn't punch their wives or girlfriends.
  • Maintain a list of bars certain players' posses are banned from in order to avoid police presence.
  • Do a funny dance with Slamson the creepy lion mascot for Jumbotron display during home games.
  • Collect first-born children from fans at the parking lot entrance.
  • Sell season-ticket packages for the Monarchs.
Benefits and Compensation:
  • Competitive salary commensurate to experience.
  • Full benefits package, including 10 sick days and two weeks vacation annually. (Note: Due to company policy, sick days may not be used in the event your back hurts from driving your wife's luxury coupe.)
  • Courtside seat to every Kings game (between the security guard and the Gatorade boy).
  • No-expense medical care, courtesy of Pete Youngman.
  • Free use of team practice facility. (It's usually empty.)
  • Endorsement deal with a local hair removal salon.
To Apply: Submit resume, cover letter, 8x10 glossy, syphilis test results, and waiver releasing MSE from any litigation resulting from injury/death incurred on the job to:
Geoff Petrie
Arco Arena
One Sports Parkway
Sacramento, CA 95834