Breaking news here folks: a new candidate has entered the coaching search.
I was drunk out of my mind at the Palms the other day, and I happen to see the Maloofs walking across the lobby. I
ran stumbled up to them, and began my campaign. They asked if I planned to drive in my current state, and I told them that I probably wouldn't. Apparently that's enough for them these days. So what follows is what I can recall of the Exhibit G coaching interview.
Their first point was that I did not meet any of the criteria for their coaching search. No coaching experience at the NBA, College, or Rec League level. Not even as an assistant. But I won them over when I explained that I have actually won no fewer than 10 NBA Championships for the Kings organization in various NBA Live and NBA 2k video games. I explained to them that the first step towards our renewed success will be to go to the start menu and update the league setting to "easy." Clearly it's on "expert" mode right now. While we're at it, we may consider changing the lengths of quarters down to 4 minutes (I get impatient playing a full-length game).
They asked about my offensive scheme. My offense is called The Princeton Without Precision. I rely on lots of movement, but there's no precise location the players are expected to be at any given time. Basically just move to the open spaces on the floor, cut, move without the ball, set the occaisional screen. This system always worked pretty well on the rec league teams I played for (3rd place 1996 North Highlands Grades 5-6 League!). Coachie can fill in some of the finer details to refine the offense.
I'm also a firm believer in conditioning. I'll steal Kurt Russell's line from "Miracle", and inform our players that we may not be the best team, but we will be the best conditioned. We're gonna run like madmen. And if a player opposes running due to health concerns (talkin' to you Spence), I've got alternative workouts. Spencer doesn't have to run, he can do a pool or bike program for his conditioning. But trust me, I'll put you on a pool or bike program that will make you want to run. I'll make you ride a bike through a pool.
My last note on offense is that we will not miss free throws. It is unacceptable. Every player owes me 50 made free throws, in a row, before leaving the practice facility. For our really bad free throw shooters, we'll put an upper limit of 500 attempts. 500 attempts without making 50 in a row, and you can leave.
As for defense, my plan is to hire Tom Thibodeau. Cause I'm more of an offensive-minded coach.
My defensive plan may seem weak, but I don't think they were listening anymore anyway. About the time I mentioned the North Highlands rec league, they had called security. My defensive strategy had to be yelled as I was being dragged away by a large man named Earl.
Overall I felt it went pretty well. Kinda surprised that Petrie hasn't mentioned the new up-and-comer is his talk about the coaching race, but they probably just want to keep it under wraps so that some other team doesn't try to steal me away. The best part is that I'm pretty cheap. I'll take a one-year deal for $1 million. If you don't like the job I've done, I'll just take my million dollars and walk away, no hard feelings.