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Fire Paul Westphal? Three Possible Replacements

The Sacramento Kings have the worst record in the NBA at 5-20. The Kings are 0-2 against the Los Angeles Clippers, 1-14 against the West (the single win a 1-point victory over the Timberwolves), 3-11 at home, losers of 19 of their last 21 games.

Their coach, Paul Westphal, has the worst record of any non-interim Sacramento Kings head coach in history. Every veteran is playing worse than last year, with the possible exception of Francisco Garcia, who spent last season recovering from a broken wrist suffered when an exercise ball popped from beneath him. So, on a technicality, Garcia is probably better off this year. No one else.

There's your ammunition if you want to fire Westphal. I don't, but you might, and cheers to you, courageous bub. But you need to go one more step: you need suggestions on who ought to replace Westphal.

After the jump, options for you to use around the water cooler or Christmas Party taco bar.

Gen. Douglas MacArthur

Gen. MacArthur has more Medal of Honor nominations than the rest of the NBA combined. You think Avery Johnson is tough? You think Gregg Popovich has a nice scowl? You ain't seen nothin', Nancy. MacArthur could have these Marys diving into thistle within two weeks, provided someone brought some thistle to the Kings' practice facility. And tactics? Whoa boy! The infamous Escape to Australia during MacArthur's leadership of the Philippine Army at the start of World War II's Pacific Theatre run -- it'll be no time until he develops the Princeton defense, or a zone offense. Stan Van Gundy had best get some more NoDoz!

Possible problem: MacArthur has been dead since 1964, and David Stern has a strict "no corpse" policy owing to his severe kinemortophobia.

Charles Barkley

It's a proven fact that all great NBA players make excellent head coaches. And we know Barkley has the right temperment, level of commitment, knowledge and serious attitude to provide guidance for these young ingenues. These kids need to learn how to work hard and focus on the job at hand, and Chuck can teach that. He can also teach them and the Kings assistant coaches how to stay out of trouble, and how to speak to officers of the law.

Finally, if the Maloofs cut a deal with him to institute a 10 percent vig for the franchise on all locker room and airplane card games, the franchise will be able to replace ARCO Arena within the next 15-20 years.

Possible problem: Barkley and Westphal are dear friends, and no one can resist Westphal's puppy-dog look.

Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich

A common criticism of the Kings is that they lack basketball IQ.

Protein is also known as "brain food." Peanut butter is chock full of protein. Ergo, peanut butter is brain food. Ergo, peanut butter makes your brain more satisfied. Ergo, your brain is in a better condition to function at peak levels when peanut butter is around. Ergo, peanut butter could help the Kings' brain function better. Ergo, the Kings could really use peanut butter in their lives.

Jelly is needed to make peanut butter + bread palatable. Ergo, the Kings could hire a PB&J as coach and potentially improve their basketball IQ.

Possible problem: We're out of bread. :-(