clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

How To Convince George Maloof To Keep The Kings In Sacramento

Getty Images

Dear George Maloof,

It appears that you are not convinced that this is a good deal for your family. Because you are inexplicably considered the smart one, we understand that this is a problem. But in Sacramento, we are a solutions-oriented people, so we would like to provide these additional incentives to get your thumbs up today. Let us know what you think.

1. The new arena will include a club filled with bunnies. We can't afford Playboy Bunnies. So unfortunately, there will be real bunnies. It is expected to be quite a mess. We may need you to serve as bunny custodian since we're doing this for you.

2. We'll build a second arena right next to the main one, and sell the suites as residences for top dollar, because who doesn't want to own an overpriced space in a building straight out of Nero's Rome? We can call it Railyards Place. I don't see what could possibly go wrong, do you?

3. The people of Sacramento agree to pitch in together and get you another 2 percent of the Palms for your birthday each year. By 2036, you'll be a majority owner again. You'll only be 72, so you'll still be able to hang out with the bunnies and have a good time.

4. Because we know you long for the days when the family owned its beer distributorship, we'll let you be a beer distributor in the new arena. Rob in section 214 will have a Blue Moon, if you please.

5. We will arrange for you to have a city bus pass so that you don't have to endanger the lives of fans after sneaking beers during your shift. Our DUI laws in California are a bit more punitive than in Nevada.

6. We would like to offer you a copy of Sim City 3000 so that you can test out your little real estate development deals in simulation mode before setting your family's fortune on fire. We can also supply a Monopoly set if you'd like to practice actually setting fire to money. It's an art. While you do seem to be quite adept it, your form could use improvement.

7. We will arrange for your to get 50 percent custody of Adrienne's full-time personal hair stylist. It's a wonder what a comb can do, George.

8. We will produce an annual pass to Disneyland so that you can visit your buddies Henry and Saucy whenever you'd like!

9. We will do all the work in drumming up local sponsorships for you, just like we did last spring.

10. We will do all the work in drawing sell-out crowds, like we have a few times since last February.

11. We will allow you to take home one Sacramento Kings Dance Team member every night. The keys to the cab are over there. Don't forget your driver's license this time. And please don't speak to the dancers, it makes them uncomfortable.

12. We will mow your lawn for you.

We hope that these incentives can help convince you that this deal is worth taking.

All of the best our friend,
The People Of Sacramento