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Kings Draft Thomas Robinson: In A Perfect World

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"Here I come to save the day!"
Mandatory Credit: Chris Steppig/NCAA Photos via US PRESSWIRE
"Here I come to save the day!" Mandatory Credit: Chris Steppig/NCAA Photos via US PRESSWIRE

It's section214's turn at the Captain's wheel.

"With the 5th pick of the 2012 NBA draft, the Sacramento Kings select Thomas Robinson, Forward, Kansas."

As Robinson strides across the stage, David Stern collapses. "Mr. Burns!" shrieks Adam Silver as he races on stage. "Someone save Mr. Burns!!!" Robinson calmly makes his way to Stern, and administers the "breath of life" to the temporarily comatose commish. Once revived, a grateful Stern grants Robinson a wish - whatever he desires.

"Well," Robinson humbly responds, "it would be nice if the Kings could stay in Sacramento. I visited there when I was on my workout tour, and I simply looooooooooooooove the place." Stern immediately grants his wish, and books a flight for Moose and Rocco to head out to California to personally deliver the "good news" to the M*loofs.

Robinson impresses everyone with his work in summer league, but it is at training camp where the magic happens. It turns out that Robinson loves the Delta breeze and vice versa, the result being Thomas growing another inch and adding another two inches to his vertical reach. This is evidenced when he blocks a Tyreke Evans shot during a scrimmage...after Evans had gotten the shot over Hassan Whiteside. Bonus - the blocked shot ricochets out of bounds and clocks Grant Napear in his genitals.

Not wanting to pay the $5 for his own key to the Kings workout facility (and never having enough loose quarters to run the lights there, anyway), Robinson joins 24 Hour Fitness. DeMarcus Cousins and Chuck Hayes quickly follow, and the results of them working out in a place where George M*loof is not leering at them all the time translates into immediate and positive results. Cousins and Hayes turn body fat into body fit, all thanks to Robinson.

One afternoon while shooting jump shots, Robinson suggests to Tyreke Evans that he make a small, almost imperceptible change to his release. Evans goes on to make 37 consecutive 3-pointers, and winds up shooting 40% from beyond the arc for the season.

Once the season begins, it doesn't take long before wags around the league begin to describe Robinson as "Blake Griffin with a jump shot," or a "young Carlos Boozer, but with a soul." Halfway through the season it is determined that simply giving Robinson the Rookie of the Year award would not do him justice, so they rename the award the "Thomas Robinson Award," which is ultimately won by Terrence Jones, whom the Kings drafted with the #17 pick that they obtained from Dallas as part of the Lamar Odom acquisition/waiver deal.

The Kings land the 8th playoff spot, and then mow their way through OKC, the Clippers, the L*kers and the Heat on the way to the NBA title. Robinson leads the team in all major statistical categories throughout the playoffs, yet defers all praise unto his fellow teammates.

And we never grow any older, and we'll never die.