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Court Jester #1: The Maloofs Want Back in NBA, Introduce NBA 3.1

Court Jester posts are satire. Not actual news, so don't take it too seriously!

Sactown Royalty will not be refunding you for any broken monitors you may have incurred while viewing this picture.
Sactown Royalty will not be refunding you for any broken monitors you may have incurred while viewing this picture.

In light of the recent announcements by Kings' ownership that is bringing the NBA into phase 3.0, disgraced former Sacramento Kings' owners, the Maloof family, have let it be known that they want to get back into the NBA. While they do not have a team in mind, they have quite a few interesting ideas on how to get the league moving into the future. The Maloofs called a special event at a Las Vegas Hooter's to show off their plans.

"It came to me in a dream," said Gavin, "After a night of Zing Vodka and Never Hungover, it came to me in a vision. A new league. A league that is looking toward the future. I decided to call it NBA 3.1"

Gavin denied having heard of NBA 3.0.

It was at this point that George Maloof came out with their lawyers to present his PowerPoint presentation outlining the look of "NBA 3.1"

What followed was a series of interesting ideas that were sure to raise a few eyebrows and ruffle some feathers:

1. All teams would play in high school gymnasiums, thus eliminating the pesky cost of building arenas, maintaining them, fixing broken toilets, and having to pay employees. The tickets, due to limited availability, would then cost $2,000 a seat.

"If there's one thing our family represents, it is the people, and we know that, as people, there is nothing worse than being stuck in a fancy new arena with 20,000 screaming lunatics, the 'Arena-less league' gets rid of most of those pesky fans that may feel the need to bully the owners and players."

2. To counter the Kings' latest announcement that they would be accepting bitcoin, the Maloofs proposed accepting used casinio poker chips at team stores. Though team gear would only be available at one location, one day a week, between the hours of 3AM and 5AM. Furthermore, ATM machines will be switched with Slot Machines that only take ATM when a patron needs money.

"It teaches people to be smart and carry cash, which they can also use at one of the many poker tables and roulette wheels at the location. All proceeds will go to the "Zing Foundation", a foundation that provides money to privileged kids who waste their parents fortune. It is really close to our heart, as we pride ourselves in being hard working, blue collar philanthropists."

3. An ownership "Dream Team" that would partner with them was announced. This team consisted of The Maloof brothers themselves, Power Balance CEO Keith Kato, Hustler Magazine founder Larry Flint, Food Network personality Guy Fieri, and former NBA player Dennis Rodman.

"It was great to find a group of people that have the same values as we do. We feel that this group can really change things for the better. Dennis especially told us he has some connections that could really prove useful in the future."

4. A teams' owner has final say over all things written about them. All news will be released by official media that is handpicked by each team. Anyone found writing unauthorized information about the team or its owners will be justly punished.

"This was all Dennis' idea. He said that he had a friend who ran his business the same way, and it seemed like the most fair way to do things."

5. The salary cap will be reduced to $15.72. Contracts are also not guaranteed. It is a hard cap, as no team will be allowed to go over it.

"We all know players are overpaid, and the owners are what makes the NBA. This gives the owners the power back. If players really love the game, they will accept these changes, or they can find another line of work. The Maloof family believes that everyone needs to work hard to earn money, and playing a game is not work."

6. Each team will be provided with a spokesperson that will be able to announce that there are no comments on any news stories that may leak.

"The owners shouldn't have to waste their time not commenting on developing stories. It only makes sense that they pay someone else to do it."

7. All games will now be Pay Per View. $500 dollars for normal games, with the price doubling for marquee match-ups. A special league pass will be offered for the low price of $25,000 dollars, with that price raising as a team gets worse.

"Fans shouldn't keep supporting a team that clearly does not want to be there. By charging up for bad teams, this keeps these fans from being able to taint the league with their presence. We are tired of these fans being able to support their team through hard times. This helps weed out these pesky rodents."

8. Government officials are not allowed at or near games.Furthermore, basketball is not allowed in towns that have former NBA players in positions of power.

"We do not believe that these people have integrity, and want all of the games to be free of snakes. The Maloof family demands some integrity from the crowd. If a basketball player sells out, and becomes one of these government snakes, then their town does not need to corrupt a family organization like the NBA."

More details are said to be coming in the next few days.

After this announcement, the Maloofs all raised hands with their ownership group in the middle of the restaurant to a quiet crowd. They then refused to let anyone out of the restaurant until everyone cheered loud enough to break the current standing indoor noise record at a Hooter's restaurant.

"We feel that his is the logical next step by the NBA, and hopefully with a new commissioner, this dream can become a reality," eldest brother Joe Maloof stated, sporting a big smile on his face.