Editorial Note: All Court Jester pieces are satire. Except for this one.
It's that time of the year again. Teams are narrowing down their rotations, and the season tip-off is just a few days away. All over the internet you will find season previews that cover all of the basics. Stats, win totals, rosters, all of that meaningless stuff, but those who really want to know what's up come to me, your Royal Court Jester, for the answers to the tough questions. So without further to do, here is the definitive FAQ for your 2014-2015 Sacramento Kings!
What is positionless basketball?
Positionless basketball is a concept which Michael Malone believes is going to take the Kings to the next level. Until this year, people wondered things like "Who is going to start at Small Forward?", "Why are there so many Power Forwards?", and "Can DeMarcus Cousins be the Point Guard of the future?"
This year, all of those questions will be erased. Positionless basketball takes things such as a hypothetical log jam at the Power Forward and embraces them. Imagine going against the Phoenix Suns' small lineup with Reggie Evans, Jason Thompson, Carl Landry, Eric Moreland, and DeMarcus Cousins. Let's see Isaiah Thomas, Eric Bledsoe, and Goran Dragic guard THAT in the paint! Positionless basketball essentially means that the Kings can do whatever they want, when they want, and however they want to do it. Does Mike Malone want to come in and show off his playmaking skills? Positionless basketball. Do we want 6 guys out there instead of 5? Positionless basketball. Isn't that against the rules? No*. It's positionless basketball!
What will the Kings do after losing such an important piece of their offense in the offseason?
Here in Sacramento, there was no bigger decision made this offseason than the one that saw a key piece of our offense sent packing elsewhere. I'm talking of course about Travis Outlaw. While this has greatly affected my ability to write much of anything of substance on Sactown Royalty, let me assure you, the Kings will survive, and I am doing fine. Thanks for asking.
How is Nik Stauskas feeling?
As our own Blake Ellington reported, Nik Stauskas came down with a serious case of Bieber Fever in the offseason. It even held him out of the Kings' preseason game against the San Antonio Spurs. While some may laugh and joke about this condition, it is not a laughing matter. This frightening condition has been known to cause uncontrollable dancing, a million dollar smile, and unbelievably stylish hair.
While Nik Stauskas will not tell us where or when he contracted this infectious disease, he assured us that it was affecting his play. It was an ugly case. A case so severe that many, including myself, were wondering if he would even play this season. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to report to you that the Kings' rookie is now Bieber Fever free, and will be available to play come opening night.
How will the defense look this year?
Coach Malone is sick of preaching defense to deaf ears. He has tried a wide array of alternative methods to motivate the Kings' on defense this year. This ranged from everything to hypnosis to asking the other team politely to "do them a solid and not score this possession". While the results of those methods were decidedly mixed, the team got together for a team meeting and finally decided, as a group, that Coach Malone wanted them to defend the other team.
"You know, we don't know what it was, but something told us that Coach Malone was not a fan of our defense last year. We decided we better improve on that aspect before he got mad at us." an unnamed player told us, with a snarling Mike Malone behind him. "He is so soft spoken and subtle sometimes that it is hard to tell what he is thinking."
What kind of guy is Ben McLemore?
He's a pizza guy. Are you a pizza guy? Come to Pizza Guys!
Get used to that statement. It will take some adjustment, but you will grow to love it, as rumors suggest that with the addition of Ben McLemore, these commercials will now play 5 times every break instead of the previous 4. No word yet on whether the creepy guy at the dinner date has renewed his endorsement deal with Pizza Guys yet.
Is Greg's ban on booing still active.
Yes. Sactown Royalty's very own Greg Wissinger went against his normal reader friendly approach a while back when he asked us, the fans, not to boo the team after all we had gone through to keep them. While most of his posts go over without controversy, this one struck a nerve, and chaos ensued. Greg stood by his guns however, and has partnered with Sleep Train Arena's security staff to ensure that anyone who so much as rolls their eyes at the Kings gets removed permanently.
How does DeMarcus Cousins plan on cutting back on Technical Fouls this season?
While DeMarcus Cousins showed great improvement on untimely technicals last year, he still reached the suspension limit. He has set a goal at 5 technical fouls for this year. While many laugh at this number, which is almost 10 technicals under his average, he is determined to prove the naysayers wrong. He adopted a new mentality that he likes to call "the Shaggy approach".
This approach, which Los Angeles Clippers' superstar, and long-time friend of Cousins, Chris Paul tends to practice every single time he is called for anything, is simple. Deny everything.
Shove the other team?
It Wasn't Me.
Yell at the ref?
It Wasn't Me.
Hang on the basket too long?
It Wasn't Me.
It is certainly a different approach, but I am looking forward to seeing the results.
Are the rumors of the Kings getting (insert superstar here) true?
Where can I get the latest roster moves, trade news, and gossip regarding these Kings Rumors?
While I want to tell you that we do a good job here at Sactown Royalty, the best places to look would probably be Twitter and Facebook. While we try to stay on top of things here at StR, the people on social media are always a more reliable source. That is where the news of the trade that sent Kevin Love to Sacramento, all 19 times Josh Smith was traded here, as well as all three trades that sent Rajon Rondo this way. Valid sources are cute, but the real experts are those who know how to make a Twitter page.
So, in a nutshell, what can I expect from the Sacramento Kings this season?
From Positionless basketball, to the Shaggy Method, to a brand new Pizza guy. This season is all about new and exciting innovations. Whether it works, or fails, we shall see. Just remember, do not boo, or Greg's people WILL find you, and you WILL be punished. Thank you, and enjoy the season, ladies and gentlemen!