clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Court Jester #2: Kings Reveal That Understudies Have Been Used All Season

A satirical look at why the Kings have been so darn inconsistent all season (and Michael Malone's obsession with a certain Hollywood actor).

Lance Iversen-USA TODAY Sports

Shocking news came out of Mike Malone's press conference following the Kings third straight loss on a 4 game road trip. The first-year coach revealed that understudies have been used in different capacities all season.

"Let's face it... some nights guys just don't feel like playing, so we decided to solve that problem. If an actor on Broadway has to miss a show for whatever reason, an understudy is used, so we decided, 'Why not do it in the NBA?'"

This shocking revelation at least partially explains why the Kings play has been so sporadic all season. Some players, like DeMarcus Cousins and Isaiah Thomas, have used their lookalikes only sporadically.

"Finding a seven footer was rather hard, but after a rigorous search, we found Bart Jenkins, a lumberjack from North Dakota. Surprisingly, Isaiah's was a little tougher, as finding someone who was 3'5 with that much skill is hard to come by, but we scoured YouTube and found former child actor Ross Bagley, (AKA Nicky from 90's sit com Fresh Prince of Bel Air)."

Jimmer Fredette has only used his understudy a couple of times, and while Coach Malone would not say who exactly it was, he did say that it was a "currently unemployed NFL quarterback."

While DeMarcus, Isaiah, and Jimmer's stand-ins have rarely played, other players have borderline abused the privilege of having their very own understudy.

"Marcus has actually only been available for four games this season. We did not expect to have to use his understudy this much, but what can you do? I'm sure those who have watched could tell which games we had the real Marcus, and which games we had his doppelganger, Jean Luc." the coach said.

The blockbuster deal that took place in December meant that the teams scouts had to work hard and quickly find a replacement, even resorting to stalling Greivis Vasquez from entering Canada.

"It was definitely a long day, but we had the best scouts in the business working overtime to make it happen."

Luckily the team found the stand-ins for Gay and Acy after 24 hours of exhaustive work in Jared Vogelsong and Eduardo Von Stubenberg.  Von Stubenberg got the job after agreeing to supply his own beard.  As for Aaron Gray, the team decided that it would be in everyone's best interest if Aaron Gray acted as his own stand-in.

Aaron is not the only player without a stand-in, Coach Malone explained, "Travis was the one that we just could not replace. It is hard to find someone of that stature with even half of his dynamic skills, his flawless technique, and his silky smooth jumper. It's like trying to find someone to be a stand-in for George Clooney, they can try, but they just cannot do it."

This is not the first time Mike Malone has used a George Clooney analogy.

"The guy's obsessed with him." an unnamed Kings player (or their stand-in) told us. "Sometimes it makes sense, but other times it's just weird! Just last week, Isaiah missed a shot and Malone yelled 'Come on, Danny Ocean gave more effort than that in three movies, is it too much to ask for some passion in one shot?' It's bizarre, man."'

Malone reportedly even went as far as asking if George Clooney could be his stand-in, but Vivek kindly declined.

Whatever the case may be in this bizarre situation, it at least sheds some light on the King's shoddy performance as of late.

(Editor's note: Bradley Geiser's stand-in was used to write this article)