The 1st Annual Jesty Awards

-cue mental award show music.-

Hello all, it's me, your host, Bradley Geiser. It has been a wonderful year for the people of Sacramento. The team is staying, we have a new arena coming, a great new ownership group! (

There were 28 moments filled with sheer excitement, and 58 other moments where it was hard to swallow, and I was just left feeling sick inside, wanting to throw up. But enough about my first experience with Zing Vodka. (Audience Laughter)

None of this year would be possible without our awesome new ownership group, so please give a big around of applause to the ringleader of that group, the wickedly talented. Vivel Naseem. (More hysterical laughter)

The year wasn't without it's surprises, either. None bigger than Shaquille O'Neal... (crickets)

So without further to do, ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you, this years winner in the 1st Annual Jesty Awards.

Best Achievement In Facial Hair

Quincy Acy - "The Upside- Down Nerlens Noel"

Honorable Mentions: Aaron Gray "The Soccer Dad", Reggie Evans "The Perfectly Quaffed LumberJack", Travis Outlaw for the "Hypothetical Chuck Norris"

Best Performance by an Unknown Player

***We have 2 winners!****

Jeff Withey (14 points, 5 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 steals, 2 blocks)

Jeff Withey (8 points 7 rebounds 5 blocks)

Honorable Mentions: Jordan Farmar, Kevin Durant (for nearly matching Travis Outlaw)

Best Representation of a Pizza Guy

Isaiah Thomas, the Pizza Guys commercials

Honorable Mention: Travis Outlaw, Like a Pizza Guy, he always delivers in 30 minutes or less.

The Mike Bibby Award For Defensive Excellence on a Single Play

DeMarcus Cousins,  pulling Isaiah Thomas away from CP3

Honorable Mention: Travis Outlaw, every single play.

Best Use of a Prop in a Dunk

Ben McLemore, (Shaq, a royal cryer, a throne, a crown, and a jersey.)

Honorable Mention: Ben McLemore, (Travis Outlaw and a wearable on basketball hoop.)

The Travis Outlaw Award for Achievement in Being Travis Outlaw

Ray McCallum, for his fearlessness in going from the doghouse to consistent minutes.

Honorable Mention: Travis Outlaw, for the name on the back of his jersey.

Best Failed Attempt at Making Good Things Happen

S.T.O.P., for their valiant attempts at stopping Sacramento from progressing as a city.

Honorable Mention: Other Defenders, for their valiant attempts at stopping Travis Outlaw from progressing as a player

Best Performance By a Folically Challenged Sacramento Resident

Kevin Fippin, for his astounding work as our Social Media Director, as well as his prowess as starting center of the Washington Wizards.

Honorable Mention: Travis Outlaw, for his legendary performances on and off the court.

Most Likely to Release a Platinum Album

DeMarcus Cousins, "Boogie Smooth"

Honorable Mention: Travis Outlaw, (because he has that smooth voice that has to transfer to a great singing voice)

Swaggiest Game

***We have a tie folks!***

Swaggy J, Swaggy Ray, Swaggy Gay, Swaggy A, Swaggy Gray, (Jimmer, Ray McCallum, Rudy Gay, Quincy Acy, and Aaron Gray)

Honorable Mention: Swaggissippi (Travis Outlaw) 

Honorable Honorable Mention: Bloggy G (Greg Wissinger on his podcasts)

The Ric Bucher Award for Irresponsible Reporting

Bradley Geiser, the Court Jester posts

Honorable Mentions: Adrian Wojnarowski, Darren Rovell, Ric Bucher, Travis Outlaw (obviously)

Greatest Performance by a Dinosaur

The Walking With Dinosaurs Raptor, Bollywood night

Honorable Mentions: Jermaine O'Neal, Vince Carter, Derek Fisher, Travis Outlaw (Because of how old this running joke is getting)

The Thomas Robinson Almost Dunking Award

Ben McLemore, countless attempts.

Honorable Mentions: Derrick Williams, the self Alley Oop, Travis Outlaw (I don't remember any specific ones, but I think he probably had some, and they were probably awesome)

Greatest Cameo By A Former NBA Player

Greg Ballard, Grant and Jerry's Post Game Comments

Honorable Mentions: John Salmons, his entire tenure here. Travis Outlaw (Because he technically is a former player, a present player, and a future player)

Maloofiest Moment

Never Hungover, their latest innovation in making the world a better place

Honorable Mentions: Zing Vodka, STOP, Chris Hansen's contribution, Any game Travis Outlaw got a DNP

Most Hilarious, Unforced, Never Gets Old, Longest Running Joke

"Can He Play the PG/SF"

Honorable Mentions: Fippin/Gortat, Travis Outlaw in this post.

Most Likely To Complain About These Awards

Jason Thompson

Honorable Mentions: DeMarcus Cousins, Travis Outlaw (For Lack of Mentions)

First Team, All Travis Outlaw

PG: Travis Outlaw

SG: Travis Outlaw

SF: Travis Outlaw

PF: Travis Outlaw

C: Aaron Gray

And Finally...

Best Picture

via cdn0.vox-cdn.com

Honorable Mention:This portrait I spent 6 weeks on of Travis Outlaw