Hey guys, tonight is the NFL Draft. SB Nation has tons of great coverage for you, but if you're a die hard NBA fan who thinks other sports are for dumb dummies, you may find yourself wondering "what does it all mean???"
Luckily for you, I sometimes watch NFL games, and I'm here to guide you through the draft. Read on, and you'll be sure to be a big hit with your friends, family, strangers at a bar, co-workers, or whoever else you watch the draft with. First tip, why are you watching with co-workers? You know Bob is just going to start talking about crap from work anyways. Find yourself new, non-work friends. Preferably before the draft begins.
So who is this Jadevon Clowney guy?
Think of him like the LeBron James of tackling quarterbacks. He is a frightening man who is fortunate the NFL exists because otherwise his skill set would result in assault charges. He's widely speculated to be the first overall pick, but anything can happen. Be sure to remind your viewing partners of this throughout the night.
Who will the Raiders pick?
It won't matter, it will be the wrong choice. The correct choice for the Raiders will be whoever gets taken immediately after the Raiders' choice.
Who will the 49ers pick?
The 49ers will very likely trade their pick, either to move up or down in the draft. Also, they have about a bazillion picks, so they'll probably pick lots of guys.
Who is this Johnny Football guy?
If you hear Johnny Football, it is not a reference to John Madden. You'll win some cool points if you inform your viewing partners of this fact. It actually refers to Johnny Manziel, who pronounces his name "Man-zell" instead of "Man-zeal", which is stupid. Just pray he gets picked by the Browns because it would be hilarious.
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix isn't a real name, is it?
It is! And just in time for Monica Lewinsky to return to the public consciousness!
I've heard of Teddy Bridgewater, is he going to be a high pick?
Nobody knows! It's the NFL Draft, anything can happen! But Bridgewater has been sliding down draft boards and nobody can figure out exactly why. My guess: halitosis. Brush your teeth and don't forget to floss, kids.
Is Blake Bortles the most fun name in the draft?
Aside from Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, indeed! At least in the first round.
So we're done with this after tonight, right?
Nope! The NFL Draft is spread over three days! Tonight's festivities begin at 5pm PT, and will take hours upon hours to complete. And that will just be the first round. If there are trades, your favorite team may not even make a single pick today! Friday night will take several more hours to complete 2 more rounds, with the final four rounds on Saturday.
Why does it take so long?
Because the longer it takes, the more commercials they can sell. Enjoy enduring hours upon hours of capitalism! Go football!