Editorial Note: All Court Jester pieces are satire. Except for this one.
"Yo Vivek! We did it!", Kings sophomore Ray McCallum screamed after the Kings secured the championship game of the Vegas Summer League. The Vegas Summer League is an exclusive tournament that the NBA spends the months of October through June preparing for. While many teams have NBA Championship rings, only two teams have NBA VSL Championship trophies. Kings' owner Vivek Ranadive knows how special this moment is for the city of Sacramento.
"This moment is the reason that I bought this team. To hold that trophy was the very reason I came into the NBA. This is Sacramento's team!" said the owner of the championship team.
"Kobe, Lebron, Michael, Magic. All these guys never had a chance to experience the VSL championship. It's just great to be able to accomplish something that none of those guys ever even came close to sniffing.", big man Sim Bhullar said in the midst of a champagne shower. "And with that, I would like to announce my retirement from professional basketball."
"Honestly, I have to put this right up to there at the top of my life's accomplishments." Kings' starting pitcher Trey D'Exception, the much sought after player that was acquired in the Isaiah Thomas swap said following the championship run. "Despite not playing a minute, I feel I really contributed to the mental toughness that we had. I am something of a glue guy."
A parade is planned to celebrate this historic occasion. Summer league legends such as Donte Greene and Jeremy Lin are rumored to be keynote speakers at the championship parade, which will go through every street in Sacramento, and last 2 weeks. Kings fans are expected to show up by the millions and follow the team as it makes its way around Sacramento, eventually culminating in the site of the new Downtown Entertainment Complex where Mayor Kevin Johnson will reportedly give Finals MVP Ray McCallum the keys to the city, the new arena, and Chando's Tacos.
This recent cause for celebration also brings in news from the basketball front. In a shocking but expected move, Pete D'Alessandro has announced that he plans to cut all non-VSL members of the Sacramento Kings in order to make room for the Summer League roster.
"They have proven that they are winners. We won 28 games last year. This group had no time to practice, and a lot of them still barely know each others, and they put it all aside to become the Vegas Summer League Champions of the World! It only makes sense to keep this core together."
This could not have come at a better time for the Sacramento Kings, and the city of Sacramento. Just a few days ago, the city was rocked by the news that the team would not be bringing back their starting point guard, fan-favorite Isaiah Thomas. This news was met with much resistance as the fans took to the street and turned parts of Sacramento into a post-apocalyptic wasteland, although members of an organization named STOP called it "a big improvement". Through the fire and smoke, though, there rose a new leader in Ray McCallum and the same people that were burning down the city now have started the process of rebuilding it. Fans from all sides weighed in:
"It's kind of poetic. Sure, I may have gotten a little violent, started a few fires, shot a few bullets, and flipped a few cars when we heard the Isaiah news, but this championship gets rid of all that pent up anger." said local fan Kevin Fippin. "Some may try to boohoo and discredit this championship, but I don't care! I love it!"
"People said I was ridiculous to get this Sacramento Kings 2014 Vegas Summer League Champions face tattoo back in 2012. Well, who looks ridiculous now, haters? YOLO!" said Bryant West, another long-time Kings fan.
"2002 always was that monkey that just would not get off my back. I was afraid that after that, I would be that depressed old hack that only had these terrible war stories for my grandkids, like that fateful summer back in 2002. I was a mess. I never recovered. I was in a near vegetative state for the better part of 12 years. But, now? Now, I can tell my grandparents that I was there! I witnessed history! I saw it live! If I die tomorrow, at least I know that I died happy!" said an ecstatic Bradley Geiser.
"It's crazy. After a lifelong struggle of being a Kings fan, it feels great to finally make it over that hump. All those years of struggling. From the days of Mitch Webber, to the days of Tyshawn Evans. I was there with them. Long live the Kings! Rochester represent!" said self-proclaimed successful rapper and supposed long time Kings fan, Aubrey "Drake" Graham.
Mayor Kevin Johnson released a statement shortly after Sacramento's victory declaring June 21st a "holiday in perpetuity" for the citizens of Sacramento.
"This is a great day for our city, our community and our team. When I went to the NBA headquarters in 2011, I told the NBA how much this team means to Sacramento, and how with proper guidance and ownership, the Kings could be great once again. I'm glad to say that day has come. Long live your 2014 Summer League Champions, the Sacramento Kings!"