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DeMarcus Cousins is The Negotiator

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Everyone knows the Kings didn't star in The Negotiator. But this post wonders, maybe they did?

Steve Dykes-USA TODAY Sports

[Editor's Note: This is purposely written in the manner of a poor storyteller, even I'm not this bad]

DeMarcus Cousins walked into the bar,  stunned to see a collection of his friends and colleagues.  Everyone was clapping.  DeMarcus was a hero that day, having successfully negotiated his way out of a hostage situation.  DeMarcus had been a cop for a long time, and he was a very good Negotiator.  The best.  He smiled as he saw Mike Malone and Jimmer Fredette.  Good officers, better friends.  But Jimmer looked troubled.  After a few drinks and a bit of glad-handing with fellow officers, Jimmer and DeMarcus went out to the car.  Jimmer had a secret, something about dirty cops.  DeMarcus couldn't believe his ears.  And then his ears were ringing in the aftermath of a gunshot.  Jimmer was dead!

Cut to the funeral, and Whitney Fredette slaps DeMarcus across the face.  "You were supposed to protect him!  He was getting out!"  They had been friends for years, but she wanted nothing more to do with DeMarcus.  DeMarcus had never been so sad.  Until he got home, that is.  Because agents from internal affairs were raiding his house!  DeMarcus was angry, but smugly insisted that they were wasting their time.  Suddenly, an agent walked up with evidence.  "Look at this, chief, it's the missing pension funds, to an offshore account under DeMarcus' name!"  Cousins glared at the officer, a young punk by the name of Nik Stauskas.  "That shit was planted!"  But it was too late.

Later on DeMarcus was walking into the internal affairs office.  He burst into the office of Paul Westphal, head of internal affairs.  "You son of a gun, you've always had it out for me!"  Westphal glared back, telling DeMarcus that he did this to himself.  Meanwhile, a very confused Donté Greene sat in Westphal's office.  Greene had been promising at one time, but was under investigation for defrauding a Benihanas.

This escalated quickly, and before you knew it DeMarcus had a gun and had taken hostages.  Now the police were going to need a negotiator to deal with their best negotiator.  Oh how the tables had turned.  DeMarcus refused to work with the clumsly back-up negotiator, Sim Bhullar.  Cousins demanded to talk to one man and one man only, Rudy Gay.  But Gay was having problems of his own.

Rudy Gay stood outside a locked bathroom door, trying to talk his wife into going on a ski trip or something.  The phone rang, and he knew he had to get to work.  "Might be easier than dealing with this situation here at home", he muttered to nobody in particular.  "I heard that!" his wife shouted through the door.

Gay arrived on the scene and immediately took action.  Before long, he entered the building.  He was going to go face to face with DeMarcus.  Meanwhile, somebody behind the scenes was sending in a squad to take DeMarcus down.  He dove away from the bullets at the last second.  It was all very exciting.  But when the dust settled, Westphal had been shot.  Not just shot, assassinated.  Cousins and Westphal had never gotten along, but Westphal had just started cooperating.  Cousins knew he was in trouble.

Luckily, he was able to convince Rudy Gay that he was innocent.  "Now you have to deal with two of us," Rudy said into his walkie talkie (in the trailer, but not in the actual movie).  Oh snap.

After some more botched attempts to kill Cousins, Cousins and Gay knew they needed to get out of the building.  They snuck Cousins out but I can't really remember how, but anyway they ended up at a guy's house.  Cousins and Gay were at the house, but all the other cops showed up.  One of those cops was dirty.  But who???

They came up with a great plan, where Gay shot Cousins in the stomach after they talked about a western movie.  As Cousins lay bleeding, Gay pretended to be a bad guy who wanted in on the scam.  He was talking to Mike Malone.  Oh yeah it turns out Malone was the bad guy all along.  But Gay was tricking him.  He was holding a walkie talkie, and all the other cops heard Malone admit to the scam.

They arrested him, and Cousins' injury wasn't fatal.  Gay had saved the day, and he and Cousins had become friends.  And Jimmer was avenged.