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The Vivexpendables: A Screenplay

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One man's trash is another man's treasure...


After a brief shot of a DeMarcus Cousin tweet containing a snake between two blades of grass, we see Vivek and Vlade sit in the war room on draft night. Vivek's tie is crooked, his face unshaven, and his face is buried in his hands. Planted firmly on the desk.

Vivek: Vlade! This team is a disaster! We don't have a GM, the press is killing us, and DeMarcus wants out! I don't know what to...

Vlade interrupts Vivek with a swift slap to the face. Stunned, Vivek stares at Vlade.

Vlade: I apologize Mr. Ranadive, but you were getting hysterical, but I've got to know. Do you trust me?

Vivek: Do I trust you?

Camera shows Vivek texting John Calipari from his pocket.

Vivek: Of course I trust you.

Vlade: Did you not bring me in here to fix the team?

Vivek: I did.

Vlade: Then come with me if you want to win...

George Karl comes in talking on his phone.

Karl: So you give us the 2nd pick and we'll send you B...

Vlade grabs the phone from Karl, and speaks into it.

Vlade: Sorry. Wrong number.

He throws the phone out the window.

Karl: That was a new phone!

Vlade: Well now it's a broken one.

Karl: I was just...

Vlade: You were just what?!?!

Karl: I was just... discussing some framework.

Vlade: You do your job, and you let me do mine!

The sound of a falling object quickly fills the room.


Woj Bomb crashes through the ceiling, nearly hitting Vlade, but missing him. He falls down anyway, but before it can go off, Vlade jumps up and defuses it without breaking a sweat. Karl and Vivek look at Vlade in amazement. Without saying another word,  he lights up a cigarette, and takes out his phone.

Vlade: Now both of you just chill for one second. We're almost on the clock. Are we all in agreement here?

Vivek and Karl look at Vlade; nodding in approval.


A Woj Bomb ravaged stadium is seen, with an empty stand where they are awaiting the Kings' pick. Willie Cauley Stein is shown sitting at his table, as his phone rings. He looks at his agent and picks up

WCS: Hello?

Cut to a closeup of Vlade's mouth with a cigarette hanging out of it.

Vlade: Is this Mr. Trill?

Cut back to Willie.

Willie: This is him.

Cut back to Vlade

Vlade: It's time.

Cut back to Willie, as the phone line goes dead. The Commissioner takes the stand, dodging a few Woj Bombs on the way.

Commissioner Silver: With the 6th pick in the 2015 NBA Draft. The Sacramento Kings select... Willie Cauley-Stein!

The crowd cheers as Willie shakes the commissioner's hand.



Vivek, Karl, and Vlade are walking to their collective cars.

Karl: Hey, Vlade. About what happened back there.

Vlade: Don't mention it.

Karl: It's just that...

Vlade: Don't mention it.

Vivek: I think we did good tonight, gentlemen.

Vlade stops, and Vivek and Karl stare at him as he looks around cautiously.

Vlade: You may want to take cover.

Karl: Take cover? From What?

Vivek: I'm guessing them.

A bunch of suited men with bluetooth headsets, bad hairpieces, and Oakley's pull up in Ferrari's and surround them. One nearly missing Vlade, who falls down anyway. He immediately gets back up.

Agent Dan: Well, well, well. Mr. Divac. What a pleasant surprise it is meeting you here...

Vlade: I have nothing to say to you.

Agent Dan: Come on, Vlad. Can I call you Vlad? Hear me out...

Karl: Yeah, Vlade hear him...

Vlade shoots Karl a dirty look, and he steps back.

Vlade: I said. No deal.

Vlade takes out another cigarette. And gets ready to light it.

Agent Dan: Allow me.

He takes out a lighter, but Vlade ignores him, lighting his own.

Agent Dan: At least think it over...

Vlade: I have. I said no deal.

Vlade grabs Agent Dan's cigarette, throws it on the ground, and stomps on it. He gets in his car and drives off.  The agent lights up another cigarette.

Agent Dan: You gonna let him run YOUR team like that, Ranadive?

Vivek: This isn't my team...

Vivek takes out Agent Dan's cigarette, and stomps on it. He points to the Sacramento skyline.

Vivek: ...this is their team.

Vivek gets into his solid gold Hummer and drives off. George Karl is left alone with the agents.

Karl: Yeah!

He stomps at the cigarette, gets in his car leaves.

Agent Dan laughs and looks at his cohorts.

Agent Dan: OK, Mr. Divac. You want to play hard to get?

He pulls out his cell phone and dials.

Agent Dan: Hello? Adrian? I've got a lead...



Vivek, with a velvet bath robe on and a solid gold cup of coffee opens his door to grab is newspaper. He looks up to see the devastation caused by the Woj Bombs. His eyes open wide, and he picks up his phone.


Vlade's phone is vibrating like crazy on his nightstand. Vlade slowly wakes up, and answers.

Vlade: This is Vlade.

Vivek is heard screaming on the other end of the line.

Vlade: I'll take care of it.

He hangs up, sits up on the side of his bed, and lights a cigarette, and picks up his phone.

Vlade: Hello. Get Hinkie on the phone...



A few days later, Vlade and Mr. Matthews are sitting at a lunch table with Woj Bombs going off around them. Vlade is on his cell phone.

Vlade: (into his phone) I understand your concerns, but that is my final offer. We have the best fans in the world, a new arena on the way, and a bright future, and if you don't like that, you don't like NBA basketball! The offer is on the table. If you have a spine you'll accept it. If not, you can go to Indiana. You don't belong here!

Vlade hangs up and slams his phone down while Mr. Matthews looks at him, frightened.

Vlade: Well, what about you?

Mr. Matthews screams and runs away, screaming. Vlade laughs, puts a few dollars down, and exits the restaurant patio. Just then, someone tugs on his shirt. Vlade dramatically falls to the ground. He looks back to see Rajon Rondo, and gets up.

Rondo: You got a minute, Mr. Divac?

Vlade looks at his watch, and back at Rajon.

Vlade: I've got a minute. What do you want?

Rondo reaches into his backpack and pulls out a game.

Rondo: You ever play Connect 4?

Vlade: Alright, I'm out of time.

Vlade starts to get up.

Rondo: Mr. Divac, Wait! Hear me out!

Vlade sits back down.

Vlade: You've got five minutes...

They start taking turns as they talk.

Rondo: Now, we both know things didn't go well for me in Dallas.

Vlade: You quit on your whole team! They almost died out there!

Rondo: I know. And I kick myself everyday for it.

Vlade: A lot of good men lost out there because of you.

Rondo: I know! And if I could change that, I would!

Vlade: What do you want, Rajon?

Rondo: I want to be a King.

Vlade: I dunno about that.

Rondo: I'm out of chances, Vlade. You're my last shot! I know I can help you out, if you'll just give me a chance. We can be something special!

Rondo lines up his fourth piece.

Rondo: Connect Four... What do you say. Give me a chance?

Vlade: I'll think about it. Good game.

Vlade gets up. As Rondo puts his pieces back, a man across the street lowers his newspaper to reveal his face. It is Rudy Gay. Rudy, smiling, signals thumbs up or thumbs down to Rondo, who shrugs. Vlade walks through downtown, and sees a man on a nearby TV talking about the Kings. He stops, lights up a cigarette.

Reporter: I just don't know what the Kings are doing. First they trade away their future for next to nothing,  now we hear that they are talking to Rondo? Vlade was a good player, but this team is a trainwreck! A dumpster fire! Maybe Seattle lucked out not inheriting this team!

Vlade bites down on his cigarette, and it falls to the ground. He spits out his tobacco, and grabs his phone.

Vlade: Yeah. This is Vlade. Get me Marco...



Vlade and Marco, after a long game of Tennis, sit down to catch a breath.

Vlade: You've got a good backhand, there!

Marco: So do you. For an old guy!

They both laugh.

Vlade: So what do you say Marco. How would you like to be a Sacramento King?

Marco: I dunno Vlade. You see what they are saying? Is it true you only play four guys on defense?

Vlade: What do you think?

Marco: It was in a Woj Bomb, and it was on Twitter. No one tweets anything unless it's true.

Vlade: Listen. There are a lot of rumors out there, and I can't control that. What I can do, is tell you that you can be part of a special group of guys. A group will go out there and compete every night. You can be a Sacramento King!

Marco sits there and thinks about it as he gazes at his championship ring.

Vlade: You know. I never got one of those.

Marco: You didn't?!

Vlade: Nope. Not as a player, but you know what? Mr. Ranadive brought me here so I can get one yet. And I can think of nothing better than adding another one to your collection. So what do you say? We got a deal?

Vlade extends his hand for a shake, and Marco accepts it, shaking Vlade's hand.

Marco: I won't let you down...

Vlade: Great! I will see here.

They gather their gear, and head their separate ways. Just then, the Agent Dan stops Vlade.

Agent Dan: Oh, you got someone! Good for you.

Vlade walks by him without saying a word.

Agent Dan:You're a crazy man, Vlad. Don't do anything you'll regret. Make the deal!

Vlade keeps walking, as though Agent Dan were not there. Agent Dan activates his headset.

Agent Dan: Yeah. Adrian? Initiate plan B...



Vlade is on the phone, eating some animal fries.

Vlade: Yes. Four years. Thank you Kosta. You will not regret this.

Vlade hangs up his phone, smiles, and goes to Twitter on his phone, where he sees Omri Casspi tweeting a disturbed face, with a tag saying that Omri is in Miami. Vlade quickly opens his Waze app, and tracks Omri with it. Vlade, led by his own voice makes his way to Miami.



On a rainy night, Vlade pulls up to an old abandoned warehouse, with a parking lot full of Ferraris.

Waze Vlade: Home Run! You made it!

Vlade gets out of his car and knocks on the door. A short agent barely opens the door, and peaks out.

Short Agent: Can I help you?

Vlade kicks in the door and barges in, knocking the short agent unconscious. He looks over to see a room full of agents with their leader, Agent Dan speaking to them, Vlade puts on the headset and the Oakley's and makes his way into the room undercover. He listens as their leader speaks to them.

Agent Dan: A snake in the grass will bite your feet.. I know this. You know this, and our good friend Boogie has recently learned this. Our friend Vlade (uproarious crowd boos) does not seem to know this. You always watch out for snakes in the grass, as they are known to bite.

The agents all remove their masks, revealing them to be the snakes that they truly are. One lightly bumps Vlade, and he flies flying 20 feet, sending his glasses and his headset flying off. The room full of snakes goes dead quiet and stares at Vlade, with two grabbing onto him.

Agent Dan: Well look what we have here boys. We got our own little snake hiding in the grass...

The agents laugh.

Agent Dan: Well why don't we show Mr. Divac what we do with unwanted snakes.

The agents drag vlade to the roof, where a he sees a tuft of grass with Omri Casspi and DeMarcus Cousins both tied to chairs, set upon the grass.

Agent Dan: Well, boys. Look who decided to be a hero.

Vlade: You'll never get away with this!

Agent Dan: Oh, but I already have!

Just then, a solid gold helicopter lands on the roof, and the entire Kings team, led by Vivek and George Karl.

Agent Dan: Oh look, your friends decided to show up. Glad you guys decided to show up. Now. I will give you one last chance. Send DeMarcus to LA, and we will let you all go. Fail to comply, and we will have problems. It is your call. Now, what kind of guys are you?

Ben McLemore pulls out a pizza pan.

Ben: I'm a pizza guy.

He throws the pizza pan into the group, knocking a whole row of agents to their feet, and a fight breaks out as Vlade, DeMarcus, and Omri can only watch. The signed Kings put up a good fight. Outnumbered, though, the Kings are quickly defeated, and tied to chairs on the grass.

Agent Dan: You put up a good fight, Vlade, but it wasn't good enough.

Agent Dan gets his phone out, and dials it.

Agent Dan: Hello? Mitch. It's Dan. I've got Vlade here. He'd like to discuss a deal.

DeMarcus: Don't do it Vlade! We can get out of this.

Vlade: I have no choice.

DeMarcus: I don't want to be a Laker!

Vlade: I'm sorry. I can't...

Suddenly, a shadowy figure appears behind them. It is Rajon Rondo.

Rondo: Hey!

Agent Dan hangs up his phone and looks at Rondo.

Agent Dan: What are you doing here?

Rondo: I came to help my teammates!

Agent Dan: (laughing) Your teammates? You didn't even care about your real teammates in Dallas!

All the agents erupt in laughter, and Rondo pulls Connect Four out of his backpack.

Rondo: I'll play you for them. I win, you leave DeMarcus and Omri be, and let them go...

DeMarcus: I don't know if we...

Vlade: (interrupting) Let him talk...

Agent Dan: You think this is a game?

Rondo: It is a game...

Agent Dan: Give me one reason why I should take your deal.

Rondo: Cause if I lose. You get the team.

Vivek: He's right. If you win (gulps) This is your team.

Agent Dan looks at the team, pondering. 

Agent Dan: Deal

Rondo: You go first. 

They play the game. Agent Dan slowly thinking between each turn, trying to get four in a row. After about sixteen turns, Rondo puts a piece down, and Agent Dan starts laughing.

Agent Dan: You lose. I put this piece down, and there's no possible way for you to win. This is my team!

He puts the piece down to make three in a row, with an empty spot on each side. The Kings team looks on in horror, as Rondo calmly puts down another piece.

Rondo: Connect Four...

Agent Dan's face immediately turns to a scowl, as he notices a diagonal fourset. He knocks the game over.

Agent Dan: That's impossible! You cheated!

Rondo: You can call me a lot of things, but don't ever call me a cheater!

Rondo grabs Agent Dan by the tail, and throws him into the distance.

Agent Dan: (as he flies away) You haven't heard the last of me!

Rondo unties the team.

DeMarcus: Appreciate it Rajon. I didn't think anyone was going to respond to my tweet. I thought I was a Laker for sure!

Rondo: Don't mention it.

Omri: Yeah, Rajon. Thanks. I don't know where he would have signed me if you hadn't come!

Rondo: The pleasure was mine!

Vlade approaches Rondo with a serious look on his face.

Vlade: I suppose you think I'm going to give you an offer now.

Rondo: That would be great. But I did this for me! I did this for redemption!

Vlade puts his arm around Rondo.

Vlade: Well how about this. We will give you a year to redeem yourself. Consider yourself signed.

Vivek: Alright everyone, get to the chopper! We have to get back to Sacramento!

They all crowd in to the chopper, flown by Coach Karl, and take off. After a few seconds of silence, Vivek finally speaks.

Vivek: You know what guys, the media may hate us, and the fans may hate us... but I love us. One man's trash is another man's treasure. We are truly a band of expendable pieces that were brought together for a purpose.

Vlade: No...

The room gets quiet.

Vlade: We're Vivexpendable.

The team erupts with laughter as the chopper heads back to Sacramento.