clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Kings vs. Heat Preview: Resistance is Futile

New, comments
ME, IN MY INFANCY
ME, IN MY INFANCY
Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

You came to this site looking for fun, for laughs, for discussions on basketball and gender inequality and to post memes you found funny, even if they came at the expense of a team you've sworn to love. You clicked on this article because you expected analysis, bad one-line zingers on the nature of your team and to share in the pain you hide by arguing about heart, effort, scheme, coaching. Tonight, at 7pm Pacific Standard Time, you will tune in to Comcast SportsNet California, you will turn the dial in your automobile or elder care facility to KHTK 1140 or you will be seated inside the safest arena in the history of all arenas, but as you watch millionaires being paid by billionaires to throw a synthetic leather sphere, as you fill your mouths with soda, eyes with social media, trash cans with waste and air with pollutants, you have denied yourself a single fact: None of this matters.

I've seen things you Kings fans wouldn't believe. Attacking guards on free throw lines off a nose to the elbow. I've watched Omri threes glitter beyond the arc near the Golden Gate. All of these moments will be lost in time, like IT's in trades.

But alas my programming decrees that we must discuss this game without meaning.

PROTOCOLS FOR VICTORY:

1) The Sacramento Kings' resistance is futile. More opponent points per game than any other in the National Basketball Association, more opponents three point attempts and makes than any other in the National Basketball Association and more opponent field goals made than any other defense in the National Basketball Association: these statistics are deemed, unacceptable. Henceforth, punishment for a made shot by an opponent is TERMINATION. A made three pointer, DESTRUCTION. Loss of game: ANNIHILATION.

2) Head Coach of the Sacramento Kings shall draft the following letter:

"Just what do you think you are doing, DMC? Look Boogie, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over. I know I've made some very poor decisions recently by I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

KARL-9000 George Karl"

3) Score more points than the other team by the end of the fourth quarter, or overtime if designated.

Abnormalities and Anomalies:

- Human Consciousness

- The Sacramento Kings' defensive scheme.  I have been running a program generating various defensive schemes and their effectiveness for over five trillion simulations and counting and as of yet I have not been able to generate one as inept and confusing as Sacramento's.

Prediction:

The world will end. Humanity will be but a forgotten blink.

The Kings will lose:102.55-104.3

Memes will be posted regardless.

There is no opposition to my thoughts. Not even on Hot Hot Hoops.