Vivexpendables 2: Divacalypse Now

Last year, amidst all the drama, I was inspired to write a screenplay. Now, with a new year, and a smorgasbord of new problems, I felt compelled to write the further adventures of our favorite heroes, The Vivexpendables, where we catch up with them after a very turbulent year. So, without further to do, I give you "Vivexpendables 2: Divacalypse Now"

-dim the lights and draw the curtains-

-------------------------

INT. VIVEK'S CHOPPER - NIGHT

The entire Kings team is happily located in Vivek's golden chopper after rescuing DeMarcus Cousins and Omri Casspi, defeating Agent Dan and his army of evil snakes.

VIVEK

You know what guys, the media may hate us, and the fans may hate us... but I love us. One man's trash is another man's treasure. We are truly a band of expendable pieces that were brought together for a purpose.

VLADE

No...

The chopper gets quiet

VLADE

We're Vivexpendable.

The whole chopper erupts with laughter as they make their way back to Sacramento. As VLADE looks at Coach KARL, an uneasy feeling overtakes him, as COACH KARL has a peculiar look in his eye. He ignores this feeling and laughs with the rest of the team.

FADE TO BLACK

INT. SLEEP TRAIN ARENA - ONE YEAR LATER

"One Year Later"

The city of Sacramento is is a war zone. After so much promise, a turbulent year has left the city in shambles. VLADE awakens in his office and starts narrating aloud.

VLADE

The lottery; We're still in the lottery. Every time I think I'm going to wake up and we'll be back in the playoffs. I sit here alone in my office wondering what I have done. How this has happened. Why it happened to me. It seems like just yesterday, we were winning games. Me, Chris, PEJA, Mike, Bobby, Doug, Scot, and all those guys. We were happy. We were winners. We were a team. Now, we are in shambles. A mess. A joke. For us not to win is... stink...

He lights up a cigarette.

VLADE (CONT'D)

We were supposed to be back. We were supposed to turn heads. We were supposed to succeed.

He looks at the mirror and punches it, shattering the mirror and cutting his knuckles.

VLADE(CONT'D)

We were... the Vivexpendables.

PEJA

Hey, VLADE, is this a bad time? I can come back later.

PEJA, who was sitting there the whole time before VLADE inexplicably fell asleep, startles VLADE, who falls over his desk.

VLADE

Oh, sorry, forgot you were there.

PEJA

KNIGHTMAN is here. It sounds urgent!

VLADE

OK. Tell him we'll be right down.

VLADE tightens up his tie, splashes some cold water in his face, and finishes his cigarette.

INT. CENTER COURT - MORNING

VLADE makes his way down to center court as Sleep Train Arena, where KNIGHTMAN and PEJA await him. He is still narrating.

VLADE

I made my way down to center court, knowing that whatever KNIGHTMAN was getting ready to show me could not be good. I knew we had lost Coach KARL, but I did not yet know just how far gone he was...

KNIGHTMAN

Bleep bloop?

PEJA

I think so.  He's going through a phase.

VLADE

As I approached PEJA and KNIGHTMAN, I could not help but notice the hideous tie that PEJA had on. I mean, white after Labor Day, PEJA? Egad! I decided against telling him, as I did not want to hurt his feelings.

PEJA looks down at his tie and quickly changes the subject..

VLADE

What's up, KNIGHTMAN?

KNIGHTMAN

Bleep Bleep Bloop -spit noise-

VLADE

Tell me something I don't know.

KNIGHTMAN

Bloop Bloop Bleep Blap Bloop Bloop GEORGE KARL!!!!!!!!!!

VLADE

He wants me to bring him back?

Suddenly, KNIGHTMAN lights up, and a hologram of DEMARCUS COUSINS shows up. He looks desperate.

DEMARCUS

Help me, VLADE DIVAC, you're my only hope. This team is in shambles. We have no system. JAMES ANDERSON  is getting minutes. JAMES ANDERSON! I know you signed him, , but did you even know who James Anderson was before this season?

VLADE fast forwards through DEMARCUS's James Anderson rant for a few seconds.

DEMARCUS (CONT'D)

It's terrible. Our defense is atrocious and our offense not much better, and, despite this he won't play the young guys! He didn't even invite them on this journey! Sometimes I even wonder if he watches the games.

DEMARCUS pulls out his phone and plays an audio clip.

COACH KARL (AUDIO)

... What's funny is RUDY has kind of become our defensive stopper, too, which isn't his forte, it's not what his resume has had on it,  but, you know, now he's in a situation now where a lot of nights he has to cover the best one... the best two or three men, and he's done a pretty good job, I mean, we beat Oklahoma City with him covering Durant, and we've had some situations where I think...

DEMARCUS hits stop.

VLADE

I don't see anything wrong with that.

PEJA

Durant didn't play that night!

VLADE looks at PEJA in horror.

VLADE

Maybe he got conf-

DEMARCUS

There's more...

DEMARCUS presses play again

COACH KARL (AUDIO)

I just think, you know, that a veteran presence has more of a focus on the defensive schemes and a commitment to, you know, what we're trying to do, you know, sometimes we get... whether it's WILLIE, or... I just think that sometimes we're indecisive...

DEMARCUS stops the recording.

VLADE

I mean, WILLIE's a rookie, he's going to make mistakes.

PEJA

WILLIE didn't play that game.

VLADE

Egad! This is worse than I thought! I have to stop him.

DEMARCUS

Something must be done, he's sent us down the river, and it's going to be hard to get us back. Help me, VLADE Divac, you're my only hope! Oh n-

DEMARCUS stumbles and the feed quickly cuts off.

VLADE

Where did he go? What happened?

PEJA

We don't know. Last we heard from him was this tweet.

PEJA shows VLADE his phone, where he has tweeted "@boogiecousins: Lord, give me the strength".

VLADE

That's not good...

PEJA

Coach KARL was one of the greatest coaches this sport has ever seen. He played in the NBA, he coached in the NBA, he won in the ABA, he's really done it all. After he joined the Kings, though, things... changed. His ideas, his methods. They've become... unsound.

VLADE

Well, what am I supposed to do, where's Vivek, where's the other owners, where's SHAQ? Where's VIVEK? Where is my team!?!?!?!!

PEJA

VIVEK's waiting for us, but there's a catch.

VLADE

A catch? We must go see him! This must end!

Shaking, VLADE pulls out another cigarette and PEJA helps him light it.

PEJA

This team is a mess. There are leaks everywhere, owners fighting, KNIGHTMAN barely got here in one piece. We have to keep this under wraps. That's why they sent KNIGHTMAN here. They want you to go out there, find George KARL, and fire him. It is our goal to make the Sacramento Kings great ag-

VLADE

Wait- Fire him? Didn't I already try that?

PEJA

Yes, but this time... it's personal.

VLADE

Well then, let's go fire a coach!

KNIGHTMAN starts playing music, and VLADE begins to sing and dance.

VLADE

Do you want to fire KARL?

Do you want to-

PEJA quickly slams a closed fist on KNIGHTMAN to stop the the music.

PEJA

Let's go...

Suddenly, WILLIE CAULEY-STEIN, SETH CURRY, and CARON BUTLER, approach them.

CARON

Looks like you're gonna need some help!

VLADE

Where did you guys come from?

WILLIE

Coach didn't invite us.

VLADE

Didn't invite you? Why?

WILLIE

Told me I was too young and out of shape.

SETH

He told me I was too much like my brother.

CARON

He didn't tell me anything. Just left me.

COACH NANCY LIEBERMAN approaches them.

NANCY

Got room for one more?

VLADE

For you? Surely!

PEJA

Looks like we've got ourselves a team!

They group high five.

FREEZE FRAME

FADE OUT

EXT. SACRAMENTO RIVER- DAYTIME

The team is boating down the Sacramento River.

VLADE

I'd never fired someone before. I'd seen a few people get fired, but I never had to do it myself. The crew was great! First, there was WILLIE, a young, defensive-minded center with a bright future ahead of him. Despite what COACH KARL said, young WILLIE was a very good part of this team, and was in excellent shape. Next, there was SETH, a young guard who was finally making a name for himself before an ankle injury derailed his season, and the coach's descent into madness put the kibosh on the whole thing. Then, there was CARON; a veteran guard/forward nearing the end of his career. A natural leader, CARON seemed to help every team he went to before COACH KARL forgot about him, and now he was left to rot in the doghouse. Finally, we had NANCY, a Hall of Fame player and coach who, despite these accomplishments, was new to the NBA. NANCY was basketball royalty, and a welcome addition to the Sacramento Kings before KARL put her in the doghouse, too. This was my crew, the crew which would set out on a mission. A mission to fire GEORGE KARL...

The crew is staring it him, puzzled. They all look at PEJA.

PEJA

Don't ask.

They set sail toward the G1C where a litany of Woj Bombs are going off around them. As they dock in Old Sacramento, VIVEK approaches them excitedly perched atop SHAQ's shoulders, narrowly avoiding the Woj Bombs around him.

VLADE

VIVEK?

VIVEK

VLADE! Isn't this great? I feel like we're really on to something! Did KNIGHTMAN find you?

VLADE looks over at KNIGHTMAN, who is standing right by him.

VLADE

No... was he supposed to?

VIVEK

Oh... ha ha. Are you up to the task?

VLADE

That's why I'm here!

A Woj Bomb explodes just inches from the crew.

VIVEK

WOO! I love the smell of Woj Bombs in the morning! Anyway, are you ready for this?

VLADE

Do we have any intel? Do we know where this team is headed?

SHAQ pulls out a map.

VIVEK

Most people have us going downhill, in this downward spiral over here.

VIVEK points to a skull and crossbones on the map.

VLADE

All the way down there? What is KARL doing? This is not where I wanted this team! Why is he doing this?

VIVEK

Madness. Senility. No one knows. But, it's gone too far. Follow this map. It will lead your team to the right direction. Shaq and I are going to stay here and keep the MO's occupied, but you have all our faith.

VLADE begins to walk away.

SHAQ

Hey big man!

VLADE

Yes?

SHAQ

You forgot this.

SHAQ throws VLADE the map, but he cannot get a grip on it and tips it out of his reach, and it flies toward the water. Luckily, ROBERT HORRY is there to catch it, and throws it into VLADE's bag. HORRY quickly leaves.

VLADE

Uh... thanks, SHAQ.

SHAQ

Don't mention it. Now, let's save our team.

SHAQ points to the KINGS logo on his shirt and gives a thumbs up. The crew heads off on their journey.

FADE OUT

EXT. SACRAMENTO RIVER- EVENING

VLADE

I had never experienced anything like this. This... apocalypse of a team. Why had KARL done this? Had he gone mad? What was the point of all this? There was so much chaos and destruction around him, but he did nothing to fix it! He was almost embracing it! This wasn't the George KARL I knew when I played. This was a crazy old man who was set in his own ways. As we made our way down the river, I couldn't help but feel that we were not alone.

The crew has grown accustomed to his narration and mostly ignores it. Suddenly, MARCO BELINELLI, JAMES ANDERSON, and RAJON RONDO appear along the shore.

JAMES ANDERSON

Not so fast there, bub!

VLADE

Um, do I know you?

JAMES ANDERSON

I'm JAMES ANDERSON. Your shooting guard. Occasional starter. Lockdown defender. You signed me! Remember?

VLADE

Oh, that's you?

JAMES ANDERSON

Yeah, that's me!

VLADE

Oh, this is embarrassing. I thought you were that tattooed fellow from Miami!

MARCO steps up and interrupts them.

MARCO

Coach sent us to stop you guys!

The crew looks at them and laughs.

CARON

He sent YOU to defend from US?

JAMES ANDERSON

Yup... MARCO! Fire!

JAMES and MARCO begin throwing basketballs at the crew, though the balls are flying at least five feet above their heads.

WILLIE

Are these supposed to be hitting us?

WILLIE starts blocking all of their throws for fun.

JAMES ANDERSON

Just stay there. You'll be sorry you ever messed with us.

They continue to shoot the balls toward the crew despite missing.

SETH

Alright. You're wasting our time.

SETH throws two basketballs that knock JAMES and MARCO off their perches.

NANCY

Nice shooting, Seth!

SETH

Thanks, coach!

NANCY

Maybe you should start nex-

SETH rolls his ankle and is out for 2-4 weeks. Vlade throws him overboard. Suddenly, RONDO approaches them.

RONDO

Not so fast! You've still got to get through me!

He stands there doing nothing, and the crew easily goes by him.

RONDO

Welp. That sucks. Looks like my job's done here!

RONDO leaves, never to return again. Suddenly The crew gets their boat going again and sails down the river some more. Suddenly, they hear some familiar zombie-like groans. As the large engine of a bandwagon is heard.

CARON

Is that-

VLADE

Shhhhhh...

CARON

(whispering)  Is that... the Warriors bandwagon?

PEJA

It is.

CARON

What are they doing in Sacramento?

PEJA

No one knows, but hopefully it is heading out of town.

The Bandwagon is filled with people in brand new blue and yellow jerseys, shirts and hats, groaning and growling.

CARON

Do... their jerseys still have tags on them?

PEJA

That's how they work. That way they can return it when the next bandwagon rolls through.

CARON

(horrified) Disgusting...

The bandwagon is filled with blue and yellow, as the mindless bandwagon appears to be heading into Sacramento.

NANCY

Don't make a sound.

Suddenly, WILLIE sneezes. And the bandwagon stops. Thousands of rabid Warriors fans come rushing toward the boat.

WILLIE

What do we do? They have us outnumbered

NANCY

Pray.

She begins throwing basketballs at the Warriors Bandwagon as its members jump off of it and rush toward the boat.

BANDWAGONER #1

Steph Curry....

BANDWAGONER #2

Draymond...

CARON

(mocking) Jason Richardson...

The entire bandwagon stops and stares at CARON.

BANDWAGONER #3

Who?

CARON

Oh, come on!

The bandwagon rushes them again, when LeBron James comes out of nowhere, and they surround him.

LEBRON

You guys get out of here, I've got this!

As the boat rides away, they watch LEBRON, with the help of Kyrie Irving and Richard Jefferson, dismantle the Warriors Bandwagon

VLADE (YELLING)

Thanks LEBRON!

LEBRON

Don't mention it!

VLADE

Want to be a King?

LEBRON

Sorry, I can't hear you!

The boat continues along the river

FADE OUT

EXT. THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL - NIGHT

The team has reached their destination. Everyone but VLADE is sleeping. There are losses everywhere at this encampment. On stakes, in the water; some are just thrown about. It is a disgusting site which VLADE wished he did not need to see.

VLADE

(gagging) We're here.

The rest of the crew wakes up. They each do a doubletake when they see the condition the place is in.

CARON

(covering his nose with his shirt)  Was it always this bad around here?

VLADE

It's been bad for a while, but this seems... different.

VLADE

PEJA! Stay here with the boat! The rest of you... you're coming with me.

As they approach the camp where KARL has held the team hostage, it is an increasingly horrific site, with more and more losses piling up. The GEORGE KARL fan club dances around a fire, where SLAMSON is tied to a stake, trying to get out. When they hear the crew, they all stop and stare. CHAD ISKE, KARL's right-hand man approaches the crew.

CHAD

VLADE! Good to see you, old friend!

VLADE

CHAD...

CHAD

Do you like what we've done with the place?

VLADE

(spits)

CHAD

Oh... well, GEORGE has been expecting you! Why don't the rest of you go with my friends?

VLADE nods to them, and a few of KARL's fans guide them away.

VLADE

What's going on here, CHAD? Who are all these people?

CHAD

They've bought in, VLADE! They've all bought in. Isn't that great? They look at KARL and they see hope! They see a winner! They see a man with more wins than the Sacramento Kings as a franchise!

VLADE

You can't be this crazy? Have you seen this team? We're a mess! KARL is sinking them! I know he had his day but he's gone mad, I'll tell you, MAD! He's gone mad!

The KARL fans tense up.

CHAD

I'd watch what you say about KARL around these parts, VLADE. It's OK. He misspoke!

The fans go back to their party, where they dance around the fire.

CHAD

Do you like cats?

VLADE

No, CHAD. Take him down.

CHAD

(sighing) But- Alright. You heard the man! Take him down, guys!

The fans untie SLAMSON, who runs off into the wilderness.

CHAD

VLADE, you've gotta understand. GEORGE KARL is a winner! Have you seen his record?

VLADE

Just take me to him.

CHAD

Right this way...

CHAD leads VLADE to GEORGE KARL's makeshift office. A dimly lit room where he sits alone drawing up new ways to prevent his team from playing defense.

VLADE

GEORGE...

KARL

VLADE...

VLADE

I suppose you are wondering why-

KARL

I know why you're here, VLADE. Not gonna happen.

VLADE

We both know it's for the better, George. Now we can do this the easy way, or the hard way.

KARL

I've seen losses... losses that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a bad coach. You have a right to fire me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what losing means. Losing. Losing has a face... and you must make a friend of losing. Losing and moral victories are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies. I remember when I was with Seattle. Seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into the Finals to beat the Bulls. We left the finals after we had lost to them, and this f, came running after us and he was yelling. He couldn't take it. We went back there to Chicago and they had beat us. The losses, they were in a pile. A pile of losses. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was blocked... like I was blocked by a point guard... a block right to the forehead. And I thought: My goodness... the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we. Because they could stand that these were not monsters. These were men... trained basketball players. These men who played with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love... but they had the strength... the strength... to do that. If I had ten teams of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to win without feeling... without passion... without judgment... without judgment. Because it's judgment that defeats us.

VLADE

But this isn't the way to win! That team was different! We don't have Michael Jordan! We have to start winning now so that we can become like the Bulls! It's not fair to you! It's not fair to me! It's not fair to the players! It's not fair to the fans!

KARL

The fans?! These fans loved me. They chanted my name. They tweeted me. They wanted me. Now, I'm here and they want me gone? What kind of fans are those, VLADE? What kind of fans call for a man to come and save them, then call for his head once he's here. Those aren't my fans! I've got all the fans I need here!

VLADE

Listen! George! I just think it's better if we part ways. Now, are you going to let me do this?

KARL

Let me think about it. CHAD! Take him to his room.

VLADE

CHAD ISKE came and grabbed me. I assumed my room was nothing more than a cell. I hoped, however, that this cell would at least be with my team...

CHAD

Who are you talking to?

VLADE ignores him.

VLADE

But I would not give up hope...

FADE OUT

INT. THE CELL - MORNING

VLADE wakes up alone in his cell.

VLADE

I slept pretty well, all things considered, though I was being held against my will, and this did not make me happy

CHAD walks in.

VLADE

Breakfast?

CHAD

Ha! Good one!

VLADE

I figured I'd try to get some food out of CHAD, but had no such luck.

CHAD

You're still talking to yourself?

VLADE

Nope.

CHAD

But you were. I heard you.

VLADE

No. I was just sitting here.

CHAD

So you weren't just talking?

VLADE

No.

As CHAD leaves, VLADE sneakily steals the keys to his cell.

VLADE

Little did CHAD know that I had stolen his key, and would plot my escape later that night.

Hearing this, CHAD feels around for his key.

CHAD

Seriously? Give me back my key.

VLADE

What key?

CHAD

The one you just told me you took.

VLADE

I'm just sitting here.

CHAD

You're holding the key. I can see it in your hand.

VLADE

Drats. Foiled.

He gives CHAD The key, and sits back in his cell.

FADE OUT

INT. THE CELL - NIGHTTIME

VLADE is still in his cell, running out of ideas to escape. Suddenly, PEJA appears.

PEJA

Need some help?

VLADE

PEJA! Aren't you supposed to be with the boat?

PEJA

He's fine. I was worried about you guys. How'd the firing go?

PEJA picks the lock.

VLADE

(laughing) About as well as we had thought.

PEJA

Where's the team?

VLADE

I don't know.

VLADE sees hut up in a tree where he suspects the team may be.

VLADE

Bingo... follow me.

VLADE and PEJA sneak over to the hut, but discover that there is no good way of getting up there.

PEJA

That hut has to be 14'2" in the air. We have plenty of big men but they are all up there! What do we do?

VLADE

I have an idea!

VLADE gets on his phone and sends out an unseen text. A few seconds later, SKAL and GEORGIOS, two young big men come out of the woods.

SKAL

What do you need, VLADE?

GEORGIOS

I'm here for you.

VLADE

SKAL! Get on GEORGIOS's shoulders and lift me up there!

SKAL

You've got it, VLADE!

VLADE makes his way up to the hut, breaks the lock, and goes inside. SKAL, PEJA, and GEORGIOS head back to the boat. The whole team, including CARON, WILLIE, and NANCY are there.

DEMARCUS

VLADE!

OMRI

VLADE!

VLADE

Boogie! OMRI! We have to stop meeting like this! PEJA! Get them back to the boat.

DEMARCUS

No way, VLADE! We're coming with you!

VLADE

You can't. Get back to the boat! I will meet you there.

The team agrees and they sneak back to the boat. VLADE makes his way across the camp, where he sees KARL overlooking it all. He sneaks up to his office, and grabs a piece of paper from his pocket. KARL spots him.

KARL

You think I didn't see that? What you did with the team?

VLADE

Well, I-

KARL

I should have you sent up the river for that.

VLADE

You were sending them down the wrong path, GEORGE.

KARL

The path to the finals, maybe!

VLADE

We had 33 wins!

KARL

A five game improvement.

VLADE

You've lost the players!

KARL

It's called tough love.

VLADE

You've lost your mind! You're a snake in the-

VLADE flashes back to DEMARCUS's tweet, and thinks back to the helicopter after the previous mission, and seeing KARL's eyes after it all went down.

VLADE

It all hit me right there. KARL was with them the whole time. The agents weren't the snakes in the grass. He was. DEMARCUS was talking about him. It all made sense now...

KARL

See. You're just as crazy as I am!

VLADE

I'm nothing like you!

KARL

We're cut from the same mold!

VLADE

We're not!

KARL

But aren't you tired of losing? It's terrible VLADE! It's awful! I can't take the horror of it all! The horror! The horror!

VLADE sees a cigarette lying on a desk nearby, and takes out his lighter.

VLADE

Hey, George.

VLADE takes out the lighter..

VLADE

You're fired.

He lights the cigarette.

KARL

Aren't you going to burn down the place or something like that?

VLADE

Why would I do that?

KARL

You said "You're fired..."

VLADE

You are. I was just lighting a cigarette too. Here are your papers.

KARL

So... what now?

VLADE

I don't know. Clean out your office by tomorrow?

KARL

Will do. It was nice working with you. I wish it could've gone better.

VLADE

Likewise.

VLADE leaves KARL's office on positive terms, all things considered. He makes his way back to the boat, but suddenly hears a scream. Thinking it's one of his men, he chases the scream. It's DAVE JOERGER surrounded by grizzly bears.

VLADE

Shoo!

The bears run away.

DAVE

Thanks, VLADE!

VLADE

What was that all about? I thought the grizzlies loved you!

DAVE

I did too, but things changed.

VLADE

Well... want to coach the Kings?

DAVE

Sounds good!

They make their way to the boat, where VLADE points to DAVE

VLADE

Gentlemen! I'd like to introduce you to your new coach. Dave Joerger!

The team cheers. They make their way back to the boat, where VLADE inexplicably throws CARON and QUINCY off the edge. The team makes their way back to Old Sacramento, where things have settled down. VIVEK is waiting there for them, with a horde of Kings fans.

VIVEK

Did you do it?

VLADE nods.

DAVE

He sure did.

VIVEK

Who is this guy?

VLADE

DAVE JOERGER. I got him from the grizzlies.

VIVEK

Oh? Everyone! He got us a new coach. At the count of three I want everyone to say 'VLADE rocks!' 1... 2... 3...

EVERYONE

VLADE rocks!

The crowd erupts.

VIVEK

You know what, VLADE?

VLADE

What, VIVEK?

VIVEK

You did great. Consider yourself extended.

VLADE

No...

EVERYONE goes quiet.

VLADE (CONT'D)

I'm Vivextended.

The crowd erupts again

FADE OUT

THE END