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Seeking a Point Guard at the End of the Offseason

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What do you do when there seems to be no more options?

The Sacramento Kings' lack of point guard depth has long been a joke around the league this offseason, but maybe things aren't as bad as they appear. What if there are other point guards out there who don't immediately come to mind? There are 7 billion people on planet earth and 20 quintillion other creatures, and all the Kings need to do is find one or two who can play point guard. It shouldn't be that hard, should it? Say it is; do the point guards have to human? Do they need NBA experience? Do they need to be... real? If we get rid of these preconceived notions of what makes an NBA point guard, we can easily see that maybe things aren't as dire as they may seem. Whether or not someone has played in the NBA, should play in the NBA, or even exists, is highly arbitrary, and when we open our eyes and accept these things, the possibilities are endless. The keys to success may be jingling in front of our faces, and all we need to do is reach for them.

Owner Vivek Ranadive has begun looking at different, more unique options for the point guard position.

What if he is on to something? Maybe there is a hidden gem right before our eyes! Maybe with a little creativity, the team can find that evasive diamond in the rough which the Kings have been seemingly avoiding this offseason. I like where Vivek’s brain is at, and think that it opens the doors to many outside-the-box ideas.

The following is a list of candidates whom, as of the writing of this piece, have not been talked about as potential suitors for the point-guard position.


Pictured in the aforementioned tweet from Vivek Ranadive, ‘WINny the Pooh’, as he is known on the courts at the Hundred Acre Woods, would be an interesting choice. New Kings coach, David Joerger, has experience coaching grizzlies. Unfortunately, Pooh has been known to hibernate on defense, and has been known to be quite polarizing in the locker room. His dependence on honey could also bee (originally a typo that was too awesome to correct) a red flag. While Pooh is not the ideal choice, he got me thinking of some other possible choices.

Will Smith

Born and raised in West Philadelphia, Will Smith spent most of his days on the playground. When he wasn’t chilling out, maxing, and relaxing (all cool); you could find him shooting some b-ball outside of his institute of education. Unfortunately, his mother got scared after one small fight and forced him to move across the country to Philadelphia.

From there, despite some minor hold-backs stemming from a very jealous cousin, Will Smith dominated at the Bel-Air academy, though we have not seen any basketball from him in over 20 years. He appeared to have great leadership and a solid jumper, but as previously stated, his game has previously caused fights. Will Smith could be a welcome addition to the Wild, Wild, Western Conference as our Man in Black (with these new jerseys). He’s can be seen as something of a Bad Boy, but he could also be the team’s last key in their Pursuit of Happyness. There’s just one Hitch, though. He’ll be 48 next year.

Air Bud:

America’s favorite basketball playing canine has entertained millions for nearly two decades. He has a winning attitude and willingness to stretch himself as an athlete, Buddy has proved to be a reliable presence both on and off the court. Using his experience from practically every sport which one can possibly think of, Buddy provides us with a particular set of skills. Skills he has acquired over a very long career. Skills which make him a nightmare for the rest point guards in the league. Alas, despite what Smash Mouth told us; all that glitters is not gold, and the original Buddy passed away in 1998. So it goes.


Bill Murray:

Much has been made about Bill Murray’s brief stint as a basketball player. What was he really doing in Looney Tune Land? How did he get there? Should he have been allowed to play, despite being noticeably absent from the pre-game roster? Mr. Murray’s basketball career may have been brief, but the results of those 10 seconds cannot and should not be disputed. The Monstars did not score a point while he was on the floor. While he admits that he does not play defense (a step up from our last point guard), but he did eventually come up with the scheme that gave the Toon Squad the ball and put them in the position to win the game. Michael Jordan even saw enough talent in Bill Murray to tell him to pursue his NBA dreams, and that has to mean something, right?

Not Pictured: Bill Murray

Bill Murray will 66 years old when the season starts, but with 10 seconds on the line, there is nobody I would rather have on my side than Mr. Peter Venkman himself.

Ramon Sessions

Sessions in China

Just Kidding. He’s already signed somewhere.

Scott Howard

Not to be confused with the former reporter for the Sacramento Bee, Scott is an absolute monster. He has handles, hops, and a winning attitude, though you never know which version of him will show up. When the monster is out, the Kings will go far, but when he gets timid, it isn’t nearly as fun, and we may be asking where that inner wolf is. It would certainly be an interesting signing.

Lil Bow Wow

After recently retiring from the music industry, Lil’ Bow Wow can spend more time doing what he was born to do; getting buckets. Alas, he has grown since his basketball career, and the Jordan shoes may not fit anymore. Still, maybe the shoes were like Michael’s Secret Stuff, and he had that talent inside of him at all times!


Our lovable security droid has made a lot of news. Though there have been a few bugs in his system, and he may have tried to takeover this very site at one point, Knightman knows the organization. While he may lack certain features that may seem important to the game of basketball, such as hands, he makes up for it in heart, though he may lack one of those as well. We probably shouldn’t sign Knightman.

IKEA Monkey

As far as I know, IKEA monkey has never picked up a basketball. What I do know, however, is that IKEA monkey strives to live every day to the fullest, and will not take no for an answer. When humans tell him he cannot go to IKEA, what does he do? He puts on pants and a jacket, just like the rest of us do, and he goes to IKEA. This is the type of next level thinking that could bring this team some much needed heart and charm.

One can only imagine what the Kings will do during the remainder of the off-season. This is why it is important to start thinking outside the box. While things may look dire at the point guard position today, tomorrow may bring that diamond-in-the-rough with whom we all fall in love with. You never know, they may even sign you.