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‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

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The Sactown Royalty crew shares their Christmas wishes.

Photo: Kimani Okearah • Illustration: Adam Saldaña • Model: Carmichael Dave

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a Fox

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

In hopes that Merry St. Jerry soon would be there

The writers were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of playoffs danced in their sweet heads

And Vlade with his Camels, and Coach with his smirk

Had just settled their brains for a season of work

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

Greg sprang from the bed to see what was the matter

Away to the window he flew like a flash

Thinking of a tweet that was really quite brash

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow

Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below

When what to Greg’s wondering eyes should appear

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer

With a little old driver, so lively and merry,

He knew in a moment it must be St. Jerry

More rapid than Foxes his coursers they came

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

Now Willie! Now Buddy! Now Bagley and Yogi

On Koufos! On Shumpert! On! Bjelly and Bogi

To the top of the standings! To the top of the West

Now dash away! dash away! dash away best!

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew

With the schedule full of wins - and Merry St. Jerry too

And then in a twinkling, Greg heard from his cot

The taking and making of each Buddy shot

As he drew in his head and was turning around

Down the chimney merry St. Jerry came with a bound

He was dressed all in purple, with accents of black

A bundle of W’s was slung on his back

His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how sweet

His cheeks were like roses, his team couldn’t be beat

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow

and the the hair of his head was as white as the snow

From the stump of a pipe he gave a great blow

The substance unknown, but provided by Z-Bo

He had a broad face and a little round Bjelly

That shook when he laughed like a bowl fully of jelly

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old coach

And Greg was afraid to even approach

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon let Greg know he had nothing to dread

He spoke not a word, and instead grabbed him some coal

And filled the stockings of Lakers fans, devoid of a soul

With a grin and a nod, he showed Greg a sweet gift

Greg felt his head spin and a his heart start to lift

With a cry, Greg’s spirit was starting to sing

For in his hand he held a championship ring

St. Jerry disappeared with not even a trace

Granting the Kings a spot in the postseason race

And Greg heard him exclaim, as he slipped out of sight

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
~ the man everyone agrees is a total genius and stud, Tim Maxwell

•••
Kingle Shump, Kingle Kouf,
Kingle Cauley-Stein
Oh what fun it is to be
a Kings fan on this night!
Oh!

Dashing throw opponents
Like De’Aaron Fox
Slicing up them XX8s
I’d hate to be his socks!
Grew old in the ocean
Call me Buddy Hield
Y’all remember World War 1?
Such a muddy field!
Galoshes!

Kingle Frank, the Kings don’t stank
Kingle McLemore
Yule Yogi
Coldstone Bogi
Call them all the “Scores”
Hey!

Kingle Zach, Kingle Troy
Kingle HERE WE STAYED
Oh what fun it is to be
A Kings fan on this day!
Cake!

A day or two ago
I had a better trade
but now Kings fans are happy
with the one I’ve made!
Vladfather!
Joerger in his prime
Fox is droppin dimes
Nemanja launching from Belgrade
Tickling the twine!
Божић је! (It’s Christmas)!

Kingle Gary, Kingle Jerry
Kingle Grant and Doug
Kingle Kayte
Kingle Ham
Kingle Koz and Ross!

Kingle Justin
Kingle Wenyen
King Labissière!
Kingle Marvin
Kingle Harry
Kingle all the way!
Kings go all the way!!!!!
~your friendly neighborhood #Lensface, Kimani Okearah
Time to use those pipes of gold, Carmichael Dave! Rope Doug in too.

•••

Christmas is a thing. Bah humbug and such.
The gift under your tree, Bradley Geiser

•••

Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year I want a Kings playoff berth, a trade for a good small forward, and a court order stopping Tim from writing any more fan fiction about me.

Love, Greg

•••

Dear Santa,

My name is Sanjesh and I have been very nice this year. I really want the Kings to make the playoffs no matter what seed it is. They are hanging around in the mix right now so please don’t knock them out and break our hearts at the end of the season. We fans have been going through too much of that the whole season for the past decade.

Also make De’Aaron Fox and Buddy Hield All-Stars because why not. Thank you, Santa.

Kind regards, Sanjesh Singh

•••

Dear Santa,

The only thing I want this year is for my favorite player, Harry Giles, to achieve his full potential. Let him become the missing piece that we all know in our hearts he is meant to be. Give him minutes at the 4 and let he and Marvin be the front court of the future. The world needs the wet bandits, especially at Christmas. Oh, and for every ref that ever called a ticky-tack foul on our youngsters, please fill their stockings with coal.

Love, Rich

•••

Dear Santa,

While many of my coworkers are wishing for a playoff berth this season, I would like to ask for something that will help that to happen for years to come: a Dave Joerger extension. He’s currently signed for one additional season, and he’s already proven his willingness to leave unfavorable work conditions. Please let the Kings properly handle the Brandon Williams garbage, keep Dave Joerger happy, and sign him to a multi-year contract prior to the end of the season.

Oh, and please help Judge Yercostas to rule in my favor and dismiss Mr. Wissinger’s lawsuit regarding my brilliant fan fiction.

In faith, the Zach Lowe of Sactown Royalty, Tim Maxwell

Kimani Okearah - SactownRoyalty.com