It’s Friday, which means it’s time to cream the corn of some lame playoff team that comes stepping to Sacramento. Today’s victim for the Sactown Buzzsaw would be the ironically named Warriors, a team that has never even fought in a real battle, much less won enough to earn the moniker. Led by the thinnest human being in recorded history, and backed up by the thinnest skinned snake and donkey in all the animal kindom, Golden State’s popularity is highest amongst displaced Heat fans who were also then previously displaced Lakers fans and amongst Silicon Valley, Steve Jobs wannabes that swear their dating app is “revolutionary” and call their corporate headquarters “The Jam Pad”. There’s a reason the original design for their new arena in San Francisco drew inspiration from an actual toilet, and it isn’t just because their owners’ new season ticket structure is a steaming pile of crap. Steve Kerr is a cool guy though. Hope his back is better.
Let’s talk Kings basketball!
When: Friday, March 16th; 7:00 pm PST
Where: Oracle Arena; Oakland, CA
Radio: KHTK Sports 1140 AM
For Your Consideration
Getting Fox’d Over: The Sacramento Kings walk into Oracle tonight winners of the last match-up between them and this team relocating to San Francisco to get away from the mass of Kobe-stans trying to switch allegiances. In that November 27th match-up, the Warriors were without Kevin Durant who missed the game due to a rough case of Ecdysis, as well as Steph Curry with some doritoankleitis. In that game, Draymond Green showed the world what he’d be like as a leading man, shooting 4-15 from the field and not hitting a single shot inside the three point line. Klay Thompson, the Patty Hearst of this group, broke from his Stockholm Syndrome for a night and the resulting migraine held him to 7-20 shooting. On the other side of things, this was one of the few games George Hill decided he wanted to play professional basketball for a team that could beat the defending champions, and gave the Kings 16 points on 6-10 shooting. The real heroes of the game all came from the bench; Willie “or Won’t He” Cauley-Stein scored 19 points, Frank Mason came up big with 14, and The Bogi Bomb himself hit 12 points, including the game winner.
Tonight’s game the Warriors will once again be without Ayesha Curry’s husband, and unfortunately won’t have Klay Thompson smacking the backboard with shots due to a broken thumb. Kevin Durant is questionable due to sore ribs, after swallowing a balled up sock whole, thinking it was just a big feeder mouse, and Draymond Green is probable after a right shoulder injury. I know what you’re thinking. Yes, he was trying to smack himself in the nuts and missed. The Kings on the other hand are healthy, and ready to handle their business. De’Aaron Fox is the fastest player in the NBA, ready to turn every set of Warriors ankles into Curry ankles and every set of Warrior fans into Fox jersey wearers anytime they come up to The Next Great American City for some real culture. I’m bored. This is gonna be a smash.
Draft Dreams: Oh look, a young thin shooter who is fading quicker than most imagined!
Prediction: I fall asleep. Sanjesh’s post-game write-up is one word: “Duh”.
Kings: 107, Warriors: 68