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Jack (Cooley) of All Trades

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The Kings have one of the best rebounders in the NBA on their squad.

NBA: Orlando Magic at Sacramento Kings Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

Jack Cooley is many things: a roguishly handsome devil, a hardboiled detective in Chicago who doesn’t play by the rules, a slightly crooked lawyer in a John Grisham novel, a barrel-chested sea captain with a penchant for trouble, the fastest gun in the West who backs down for no man, a superstar on Twitter, your best friend, my best friend, his own best friend.

And today, we will add another title to his list of never-ending accomplishments: master rebounder.

Unlike the other young bigs on the roster, who couldn’t find a rebound at the world’s largest lonely hearts convention, Cooley has made it his life goal to snatch every available board anywhere within a three mile radius of his person. Currently, he leads the team in every relevant rebounding category, but it’s his domination of the entire NBA that has become truly impressive. Watch out Wilt, your record may be in trouble.

As of this moment, the stud muffin from Notre Dame is fourth in the league in rebounds per-36 minutes among qualified players (at least two games played, +20 minutes played):

Top Rebounders

Rank Player Reb
Rank Player Reb
1 DeAndre Jordan 17.4
2 Andre Drummond 17.2
3 Hassan Whiteside 16.4
4 Jack Cooley 15.7
5 Enes Kanter 15.3

Those numbers evolve into an even more impressive realm when looking at the key to extra possessions: offensive rebounds. Jack Cooley is the BEST IN THE NBA in offensive rebounds per-36 minutes. These are the numbers of a perennial All-Star:

Top Offensive Rebounders

Rank Player Reb
Rank Player Reb
1 Jack Cooley 7.5
2 Ike Anigbogu 6.5
3 Joel Bolomby 5.7
4 Steven Adams 5.7
5 Andre Drummond 5.5

Of course, in today’s world of advanced analytics, raw glass-clearing statistics don’t necessarily mean as much to the educated fan. Have no fear, Cooley is also among the upper echelon in rebounding percentages as well; although he graciously allows others among him to have slightly better stats to assist with their self esteem. Mr. Rebound places 11th in total rebounding percentage.

Once again, the offensive rebounding numbers are even better. Cooley is second in the NBA in offensive rebounding percentage at 17.6%. The impact is almost Jordan-esque. His presence alone reminds Willie Cauley-Stein that he’s a seven foot athletic freak who should be grabbing ten boards every night; even those thoughts only occur to Willie as he’s taking a seventeen-foot jumper.

One last otherworldly, herculean accomplishment by Mr. Jack Ryan Methuselah Cooley truly demonstrates his supreme domination of the greatest basketball league in the world: defensive rating. Unsurprisingly, the Superstar of Sacramento leads the team in this category as well. He also places 19th among all qualified professionals in the same category.

A bandit who steals from the rich and gives to the poor, the world’s greatest hacky sack player, a man who can touch his right elbow with his right hand, and the best rebounder in the universe: Jack Cooley.